Guilty Pleasures

22-addiction

Tw: rape

Austin Brooks

Phoenix stared at me, his face covered with confusion.

"What are you saying?" He asked.

"I've had it for a long time...I found out about it when I was very young. I didn't know it was wrong to watch it, didn't know that it was something disgusting to do so. Didn't know that it would control me, but it was too late by the time I knew"

I don't remember the first time I found it. I wasn't watching porn, not really. Just some kissing videos on YouTube. But back then it was okay, I watched when I wanted to and stopped when I wished to. I had control over me.
But it got progressively worse. Too worse. I stopped for a year when I was too busy with school. Then pandemic came. I was obsessed, I was addicted. Addiction.
  It controlled me like nothing else could. It was the beginning. I got addicted to everything. My mobile, porn and YouTube and basically doing nothing. It drove me mad because I was a studious busybody child. I loved doing stuff, I had so many hobbies. But everything vanished into thin air.
  I sat the entire day, either watching porn or watching dramas or watching useless fucking videos. Nothing productive. I don't know how I managed my grades. I hate that I did not fail even once. Maybe then I could've pulled my shit together. Maybe if I degraded in my studies and my mother noticed it, maybe then I would've tried to be better.
I hate that it controlled me. I started hurting myself for being so impotent. But in all honesty? I didn't like watching porn. Until I was 15 I found it disgusting. As I mentioned I got progressively worse, first kissing then more kissing and censored fucking, gradually I ended up with porn. It disgusted me, I cried and cried because none of my friends were like that.
  They were better than me, they weren't disgusting. I couldn't tell it to anyone, no one, I tried google, tried to talk to counsellors online but it was all bullshit.
  All they said was, you need to see a therapist and talk to your parents. Like fuck!! I didn't want to do that. That was the last straw. I broke down and down because nothing could help me.
  When I was watching it I was a completely different person. I didn't have a care in the world but once I was done I would hate myself so fucking much.
  God I tried so many times to just say it out loud to my friends. But I couldn't. It should be okay that I'm watching now for my age but I still hated it. But I can't stop it. I can't control it.
  I was a prisoner to the addiction, locked so far behind that I couldn't even see a way out.

"So when Sam was doing all that disgusting stuff to me, I felt that maybe...maybe this is the punishment for what I discovered and have been watching secretly for years. For being a useless piece of shit.
   I felt that maybe, I watched it for so long, now that I finally got it I should deserve it all right. Yet here I am, hurting people and hurting myself. I wish I've never found out about THAT DISGUSTING THING. PHOE IT RUINED MY LIFE" I screamed my lungs out.

The day of the party

"Oh shit! I didn't get my phone" Erica cursed searching her pockets.

"Where did you leave it?" I asked.

"At Ross'. Austin I really need to contact my mom, can you please come with me to get it?" She pleaded.

"No worries, you can use my phone" I offered.

"I don't know the number" she said sheepishly.

"You don't know your mother's number?"

"I know my mom's, but she's currently at the office and that number is in my phone" she explained.

"Alright, stay here I'll go get it"

"Okay thank you!" She said.

I used Harvey's bike and reached there within two minutes. Fight me, but I was too lazy to walk. Plus I was eager to go back to Ross.
  I unlocked the door and walked towards the couch assuming that she left it there. I searched around for a bit before remembering I could dial her number. I smacked my forehead and pulled out my phone. Then the lights turned off suddenly. I flinched slightly before making my way blindly towards the switchboard.