Guilty Pleasures

21-Johnny



John Amor

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John Amor

  Ross was looking at me expectantly. I didn't know what to say. It was done. It was over. I could say it out loud, yet I couldn't find my voice. I am making this a big deal. I should simply reduce the burden for them, not increase it.

"Johnny, you can take as much time as you want. Don't force yourself. I know this is hard" he assured with a supportive smile.
   What is forcing myself? This is nothing. I'm making a scene which is definitely not necessary with everything going on.
  When I found out that my dad..no...Sam was arrested, I was on cloud 9. I could finally breathe without feeling suffocated in my own house. School wasn't for me either. I get bullied for being no reason at all. They don't perceive it as bullying though, maybe it isn't. See? I have a habit of making something look so drastic when it doesn't even matter.
  Fickle was my only true friend. We get along so well. Ross sat there, patiently, waiting for me to speak.

"It was the day when you had to take up night shift at that bar. You said that you would be absent the entire day so dad...Sam took advantage of it. Well, there's nothing much to say. I was sleeping when he entered my room and started getting touchy. I pushed him away saying that I had to go to my friend's house but he forced me to stay. Said that we stopped spending time together.
  Then he...well he raped me. He didn't hit me though, he wasn't rough. He was gentle, like he was doing someone who he truly loved..." I swallowed a sob that was trying to make its way out. That was the most disturbing part for me. Sam was always loving and touchy with me, but after that day I saw through new light.
  Ross hugged me tight and I realised that I was holding my breath.

"Breathe, you're okay...I'm here"

"I'm sorry"

"Why are you sorry?"

"For making a big deal" I said. I knew he wouldn't agree at the slightest but I had to say it.

"Johnny, look at me. Do you truly believe that this is all normal? That what happened to you is nothing?" I gulp before nodding hesitantly.

"I was...I was raped too. So is Austin. I had, no have nightmares Johnny. It is scary to walk outside on my own sometimes. I'm scared of what might happen. So tell me Johnny, is this nothing too?" He asked looking at me intently.
  I want to break down. I want to fucking sob because it hurt too much. But I shouldn't. I can't.

"It's different" I said finally.

"Different how?"

"You care, I don't" I said bluntly before realising what I said.

"So what you are saying is that, I am overreacting and you're not?" He asked. There was no hurt, anger or offense in his voice. Just curiosity and care.

"No no I'm sorry. That's not what I meant"

"I get it. People react different ways to stuff, but what I want to let you know Johnny is that what happened to you is not right in any way or angle. You have every right to cry about it, every right to be angry and hurt. But if you don't, that's fine. If you're truly okay, then that's good too. Don't bottle up. Talk to someone, if not me, someone you trust. Don't downplay trauma" he spoke with passion. Like he wanted me to know it. Wanted the message to pass through each and every nerve in my body..to my brain.
I nodded and he left my room, giving me a smile.

Maybe I should really talk to someone. But I didn't have nightmares, I never have dreams. It's fine. I'm fine.

~~~