All my life i ve been told I am pretty..Or
...Some variations of that.
It s no secret I am overweight,so most of the variations of ,,pretty"i wad told I am were my sisters words of ,,You are so beautiful and you would be even more beautiful if you would be thin"
And this was the impresion I was under I look like all my life.
That i am a pretty person bur not that pretty because of this one deffect.
I never had pretty privilege, but I didn t get any bullying for being ugly.
Yes,some would shout at me that I am fat and ugly but that s because they were left without any arguments in a fight so I do not believe it s bullying.
...However,when he told me,one of the most child-like friends of mine that ,,That girl is uglier than even you"
...Well,something clicked.
He didn t say it in a mean way,he said it while being clueless. He s not good at socialising, that s why I said he s ,,child like"..Cuz he has that dumbness kids have.
..I am ugly.
..And..My friends denied it.
I asked them many times to tell me sinceriley but they always say I look alright.
Maybe they lie to me because I have bold eyeliner and I wrar chokers and skirts.
Maybe they know something I don t because if this.
..I always think everyonr is a mastermind complaining my doom.
I always think they just play dumb and wait to do something bigger.
I don t know why but I always believe this and I try to figure their plan out so I ll know if I want to play in or not.
Funny enough,that s why I always fell in love with the only people I didn t think they had something else planned.
..However,I don t know how,but those are the people who always had something waiting for me.
It s silly,I know...
...Recently I discovered I have no friends aswell.
I ll probably send this to someonr in a desperation to trow myself a pitty party do I ll try to not be hurtfull with my words but I mean what I say when I say that I have no friends.
..It s baffling too.. it had been such a long time since I was alone,it felt like it happend in another life time.
And this feels so different aswell..
..But I know it s true.
The people I talk with..Or rather,the person as the other ones don t even take time of respond to my calls so I stopped calling, is nice to me.. but they re nice to mr in a way a stranger would be.
I want to tell myself we have history but we don t.
At school I have only classmates. I like them but it s not like I would take a bullet for any of them.
..And maybe it s toxic,but I never knew and I never want to know a friendship,true friendhsip that doesn t require you to feel this deep sacrifice.
And what we have left are the people I used to be friends with,but we fell of..Then we reconecfed again.
..I want to say we re friends but again,we are not.
..So,what do I have left?
It s not like I can make new friends either,I am so fucking damned tired..In a phisical way.
..And everyone has friends,it s not like I can enter in someones life,dedicate myself to them,become friends then know that they will be my buddy because there were and still are people who came befoure me.
..So,what do I do?
I m geniuenly asking..What the hell do I fucking do?
