Apodyopsis: Built for sin (GxG)

Apodyopsis-BFS 35

Rivianna Avril Samonte

"No no no," I kept mumbling the same word over and over again like I'm a crazy person.

She really left me. Iniwan niya ako. Nagawa niya akong iwan. Bakit? May kulang ba sa'kin? Bakit lagi na lang akong iniiwan without explanation? Bakit lagi na lang ako yung nasasaktan? Am I being too much na ba? Yung nakakasawa dahil sa sobrang clingy? Do I have to change para naman kahit minsan pahalagahan nila ako? Maisip yung feelings ko?

Kagat ang kuko na napa-upo ako, hindi malaman kung anong gagawin. Nababaliw na ako! Eto na naman yung sakit. Ang kaibahan lang mas masakit ngayon dahil alam kong nandyan siya pero ni isang matinong sagot hindi niya ako mabigyan.

"No, it's happening again!" I covered my ears as I closed my eyes tightly.

What if what she says is true? Ayaw ko lang tanggapin kasi masakit?

"Mommy." I whispered as I cried. My savior every time I'm hurt. The only person who will listen to me and understand the pain I'm experiencing.

The pain is far worse now than it was before! Hinawakan ko ang dibdib ko nang may sharp pain akong nararamdaman, walang tigil. Para bang tinutusok ito everytime na naalala ko mga sinabi niya sa'kin. Even though I covered my ears, I can still hear it resonating inside my head. Paulit-ulit. Kaya paulit-ulit din akong nakakaramdam ng sakit sa dibdib ko.

I found myself driving my car going nowhere. I was driving aimlessly, thinking about how I needed to talk to Vérene again. Alam ko hindi niya mini-mean lahat ng binitawan niyang salita. She will come to me and tell me it was all a prank.

Hindi pa man ako nakakalapit ng tuluyan sa bahay nila nang mapahinto ako. Ang dami ng bantay. Kaya inis na pinaghahampas ko na naman ang manibela.

"Ano ba kasi nangyayari!?" Sinubsob ko ang mukha sa manibela at saka umiyak.

I don't know for how long I'm crying here, but I feel drained. I need to rest. Nakakapagod umiyak at mag-isip kung ano ang nangyari. I went home feeling nothing.

"Avril, you know what time it i—" Hindi natapos ni mom nang yakapin ko na lang siya bigla.

"I'm tired, mom. Let me rest." Sinubsob ko ang mukha sa leeg niya at doon umiyak. Naramdaman ko naman ang bahagyang paghagod ni mom sa likod ko.

"Sure baby, rest."

I just cried on my mom's shoulder. Ang daya-daya naman kasi. Matapos akong pasayahin iiwan ako sa ere. Umasa na kaya ako. I'm trying to be better naman, hindi pa ba sapat 'yon? Ka-iwan-iwan pa rin ba ako after all the efforts I put into it? So it's true na wag masyadong mag pakasaya because sadness is coming next. But this feeling? Sadness with pain is the hardest to deal with. I just want to sleep baka bukas wala na 'to. It's just a fuckin nightmare.

"Mmm" I groaned when I felt a throbbing pain in my head.

I didn't know how I ended up here in my bed. All I can remember is the pain from earlier. Sobrang nadismaya ako dahil hindi panaginip ang lahat. It was all real.

Nagawi ang tingin ko sa pinto nang may kumatok. Dahan-dahan 'tong nagbukas. Sumilip ang ulo ni mama. She simply smiled at me when she saw me awake.

"Hindi ka pa ba kakain? Hapon na." Tuluyan nang pumasok si mama at lumapit sa'kin.

"I'm not hungry, ma." I said at nagtalukbong ng comforter.

"Need mo kumain kahit konti lang." I felt my bed move, indicating that she had sat down.

"I'm full." My voice muffled as I put my head under the pillow.

"Gusto mo ba ng kausap?" I shook my head even though she wouldn't see me.