I Am a Woman

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

"Maybe we seek for something that

We couldn't ever have

Maybe we choose the only love

We know we won't accept"

- To the Bone by Pamungkas [2:57 - 3:10]

The scariest thing happened. The vivid images of her pleading, begging, and crying out of the tremendous pain I have caused her are continuously playing in my mind like a broken record.

Gusto ko magpaliwanag sa kanya pero laging hindi umaayon ang pagkakataon. Halatang iniiwasan niya ako. I can't blame her, tho. As soon as she thought everything was going smoothly and happily, she then found out that her lover was not a real man. Niloko ko siya.

I expected her to hurt me. But she didn't. She just left me there without even giving me a slap. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko sa ideya na hindi niya ako kayang saktan sa kabila ng mga ginawa ko sa kanya. 

How can I hurt someone who didn't do anything but give meaning and color to my dull life?

"Verra..." I called her desperately.

Sa loob ng limang araw ay ngayon ko lang ulit ito nakita. For the past five days, I have always been waiting for her outside their company.

Mabilis ko siyang nilapitan pero bago ko pa man siya mahawakan ay mabilis nitong iniwas ang sarili.

"Don't touch me." She said on point.

Muling nanumbalik ang sakit na nararamdan ko. The tone of her voice is cold. Her lips are uncurled into a thin line. The way she stares at me—it is blank. The sparks in her eyes whenever she sees me are no longer there.

I can only stare longingly at her. I miss her. I miss her smile, her laughs—everything about her.

Nanginginig na ibinaba ko ang kamay ko at pilit na pinipigil ang pagbuo ng luha sa mga mata ko. Ayaw ko magmukhang kawawa. I don't want her forgiveness just because she pities me. I want her to forgive me because she accepts me. It may take time, but I'm willing to wait no matter how long it takes.

"C-Can we talk?" I ask in a trembling voice. I want to hug her. I want to ease the pain I cause her. I want to explain my side.

Hindi siya nakasagot agad. She was just looking at me like I was someone unimportant.

I understand if she's like this. I deserve this.

"Let's meet later. Slastan, 7 PM." She shortly replied. I was just about to open my mouth to thank her, but she quickly turned her back on me. Mabilis itong pumasok sa kanyang kotse at pinasibad iyon.

Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi hayaan itong umalis.

Then I remembered what she said. Sa sinabi nito ay may kaunting pag-asa na sumibol sa loob ko.

I excitedly went inside my car and drove off. Bumalik ako sa opisina para tapusin ang mga iniwan ko na trabaho.

Pagpatak ng alas-singko ay agad akong naghanda para umalis. Umuwi ako sa unit para ayusin ang sarili ko.

I know I look terrible. I didn't get enough sleep these past few days. After I took a bath, I decided to wear white long sleeves na mismong si Verra ang pumili para sa akin noon.

I remember her saying that it fits me perfectly and that white suits me.

Six o'clock pa lang ay umalis na ako ng unit at dumiretso sa Slastan. Bandang 6:30 ay nakarating ako sa lugar. I choose to sit and wait for her at the table in the corner, kung saan niya mabilis akong makikita. I also make sure that no one can hear us on this side.