I Am a Woman

Chapter 33

Chapter 33

"I miss you, Cee. Please...p-please come back to me."

My tears fell in my eyes as I heard that. I can feel it in her words—she misses me just as much as I miss her. She's willing to give us a chance again. I should be happy. Pero bakit mas nasasaktan ako?

Hearing her plead reminds me of a certain memory. The memory of her ending everything about us. Nang maisip ang bagay na iyon ay muling nanumbalik ang sakit na naramdaman ko noong mga oras din na 'yon.

"S-Stop." I managed to say as I was trying to suppress my sobs. Mabilis kong kinalas ang kamay niyang nakayakap sa akin at humakbang paatras para lumayo sa kanya.

"C-Cee..."

Tila mas lalo akong nawalan ng lakas nang makita ang kanyang malungkot na mukha na hilam ng mga luha. She's crying again...because of me. Bakas ang sakit sa kaniyang mga mata dahil sa ginawa kong paglayo.

"D-Don't say things like that, Verra." Nanghihina sa saad ko sa kanya.

"Why? Don't you love m-me anymore? Was it M-Monica? Kayo na ba?" She forced herself not to sob between words, but she failed.

"No." I shook my head and avoided her gaze. Bakit nasama na naman si Monica dito? There's nothing going on with me and Monica. She is my friend.

"Then what? W-What's holding you? I know I still have a place in your h-heart, Cee." Her voice broke as she cried.

What's holding me? I'm afraid. Natatakot ako na baka naguguluhan lang siya sa nararamdaman niya. Na baka hindi naman talaga siya sigurado at naninibago lang siya matapos makita ulit ako makalipas ang ilang taon.

What if she just misses the memories and not really the person? Ayaw ko na basta basta na lang sumugal ulit.

I'm trying to process everything she said, but the only words that prevail in my mind are the ones she said to me two years ago.

"I wish I had never met you. I wish I hadn't chased you."

"Then what will happen next, Verra? Y-You will wish that you had never met me? So please, let's s-stop this before you r-regret all of this again." I bit my lip to stop it from trembling. Mas lalong dumami ang tanong sa isipan ko.

I am scared to take the risk again. What if she suddenly changed her mind? Tapos pagsisihan niya ulit kung ano man ang mangyayari sa amin.

I want to prevent those bad things from happening. This is what I failed to do before. I failed to recognize the consequences of taking risk with her and for letting myself be drowned by these strong feelings.

Hindi ko inisip ang mga posibleng mangyari at hinayaan masaktan kami pareho. And I don't want to make the same mistake again. I should stop this, habang maaga pa, habang hindi pa kami nababasag nang pino.

"No, Cee. P-Please, hear me out." She begged. Sinubukan niyang hawakan ang kamay ko, pero mabilis ko itong iniwas sa kanya.

I shook my head and stared at her. Pilit ko na pinunasan ang mga luhang kumakawala sa mata ko.

"D-Did you hear me out when I also wanted to explain myself before, Verra? Hindi naman diba?" Puno ng hinanakit kong sabi sa kanya.

I accepted her words before because I wronged her. I lied to her. Pero tila ngayon lang nagproseso at muling unti-unting pumapasok ang lahat ng sinabi niya sa akin noong araw din na iyon.

"Thank you for the memories. But I really wish that I couldn't remember them."

"I don't want to be a part of your memory that you will soon regret! T-Then what will happen kapag natauhan ka na naman? You will tell me that you want to f-forget it all?" I said, half-yelling in pure sorrow. 

I want to remind her of those words dahil baka nakakalimutan niya lang. Na baka kapag naalala niya ulit, iba na naman ang magiging takbo ng lahat.

"I don't think I can ever accept that you're a woman."

Mas lalong gumulo ang sinasabi ng isip at puso ko. I can feel my heart ripping into pieces once again.

I thought I was okay after all these years. But that made me think...do I really deserve to hear those words from her before?

Do I really deserve to be hurt like this just because I am a woman who happened to love another woman?

I slowly smiled bitterly and laughed without humor.

"I am a woman, Verra. A woman that you can never accept." Mahinang saad ko, pero alam ko na narinig niya iyon. 

Sari-saring emosyon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. It's like I suddenly want to burst out all the resentment I had back when she decided to end things between us.

"N-No Cee! The only thing that I truly regret is saying all those words to you! So, p-please, I want you b-back." Lalong sumikip ang dibdib ko nang pilit nito akong yakapin. She embraced me in her arms as if she didn't want to let me go.

She buried her face in my neck and even pulled me closer. So close that I can feel her body shaking because of too much emotions she's trying to handle at once.

How can she say she wants me back when she already said she doesn't want to do anything with all the memories we had before?

I want to hold her too. I want to keep her close. I want to be with her forever. But what if those things happened again? Ano ang mangyayari sa akin? What if she decided to leave me again once she realized na lalaki pala talaga ang gusto niya? It will be harder for me to stand up, and worst of all, I don't think I can heal myself from the possible pain that it will cause me.

"I d-didn't mean what I said before, Cee. I r-really love you..." Nanginginig ang boses niya habang sinasabi iyon.

I cried more when I heard her say that. I want to say that I love her too. But why every time we say those words to each other, lagi na lang kaming nasasaktan? Lagi na lang hindi maganda ang nangyayari? Isn't that word supposed to sound sweet and special? But why do we have to utter such sweet words in such a bitter circumstance?

Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay pilit akong kumawala sa higpit ng pagkakayakap niya.

"Forget me, just like what you said two years ago." My world shattered as I said those words to her. Nakita ko na tila gumuho rin ang pag-asa sa mga mata niya ng dahil sa binitawan kong salita. Tears flooded her eyes once again.

Masakit man sa loob ko at hindi ko man gusto, ay nakuha ko pa rin na iwanan siya doon. Mabilis akong pumasok sa kotse at pinaharurot iyon paalis habang patuloy na humihikbi.

I love you. I still do. But I'm sorry, Verra. Let's stop here before we break each other even more.