GIRL GROUP | jjk

Chapter 32

On August 1st, I sit in Yuna's and my room.

No. It's Jungkook's room. It was Jungkook's room for what feels like an eternity.

All of his belongings are gone, but the evidence of him is still here. Most evidently, the cologne that Nabi hooked him on—notes of wood and citrus. Besides that, the sheets on his bed are crumpled. There's an indentation on the carpet where he kept his house slippers. The closet is halfway open—Yuna and I would always keep it closed just because of the freaky nature of closets.

And it just feels... different. I don't think I can sleep here tonight.

With one last glance at his bed, which happened to be mine before, I drag my feet toward the door. I switch the light off and just stand still in the shadows for a good ten seconds.

Then I open it just wide enough for my body, floating through like I'm leaving my physical self behind me.

Nabi and Jesstina sit around the small dining table—which was always a squeeze for the four of us. Now, there's a little too much space. My chair squeaks as I plop down into it, and I let out a heavy sigh.

"Still not over him?" Jesstina says.

Yesterday, when Jungkook left, I thought the girls and I would get into a big fight. Sure, there was bitterness in Nabi's and Jesstina's questions, but they took the news better than I thought. Jungkook said goodbye, but he promised to do a "proper" one later. Maybe we were all too emotionally wound up—after the fight in the park, I barely had energy in me to answer Nabi and Jesstina. They seemed to understand though—a skill we've mastered in two years being together. Now, two years and two months.

"I don't know when I'll ever be over him," I say. I let the silence stretch too long, and now I can only imagine the many regrets swirling between us, cresting into the air like a high tide.

Jesstina could easily make fun of me, like she would usually. But instead she just taps on the banana milk on the center of the table. It's Jungkook's last one, from his stash he usually kept in the fridge.

"I thought CEO Kimmy would fight back," Nabi says with a raspy voice. "Instead he just...."

"Let us go on as three," Jesstina finishes. "Maybe that's just what it was meant to be."

It wouldn't have lasted. The three of us knew that Jungkook would eventually have commitments with BTS—leaving us, whether it would be in two months or three.

"It's impossible to believe," I start, "that he was just a shock value or some gimmick to draw attention to the Fates. It really felt like he was a part of us. It felt like he belonged."

"He accepted me for who I am," Nabi says.

"And he never made me feel different for how I look," Jesstina adds.

"And...." I pause, wondering how to describe what Jungkook did for me and the group in one well-turned phrase. "He just... was himself."

I hope the girls know what I mean. I went from believing that I could never allow a guy into my heart, to allowing myself to fall. Before Jungkook, I was solely focused on the success of the group—me and my girls, and no one else. Jungkook taught me that all of my fears are real—but also, totally conquerable.

"Should we do the honors?" I say, when it feels like we've stared so long at the banana milk that it could suddenly combust.

Nabi distributes one straw to each of us. I'm the first to stab the top of the container, taking a sip of the sweet and creamy drink. The banana flavor is a bit strong for me, but I try to memorize how it tingles on my tongue. Nabi and Jesstina are next, stabbing their straws next to mine. We each take turns taking sips, passing it around like it's some kind of inside joke or game.

"What's your favorite Jungkook memory?" I ask to no one in particular. The banana milk sits half empty, catching the lowlight—we've only left the kitchen light on. It glows like its own individual bulb.

"Besides the ridiculous girls day?" Jesstina purses her lips, scratching off some of the pomade on her brow. "Probably the debut showcase. It was just so much fun to debut with him. I couldn't believe it was him, first of all. And second, it looked like he was having the time of his life on stage—even when he didn't completely fit in."

"I loved our day in the PC bang," Nabi adds after a beat. "But I think my favorite thing was just living and chilling in this dorm together. It felt... intimate. And not at all creepy like some people would think."

They look at me now, and I realize that I asked the question without thinking what I would say. "I don't know." I lose all my confidence, sinking into myself. Until I grasp a visual so bright that it burns into me. "Sharing ramyeon with him. Talking about our past and inner struggles. It felt like we understood each other, even though we're completely different."

Nabi and Jesstina nod, and we let the quiet take over again. They let me have the last sip of banana milk. The horrible sound of the liquid running out, the straw spluttering against the cup—it's almost too much for me to handle. Just from once glance, a stranger could probably ascertain that we're all on the verge of tears.

"Sleeping on the couch again, Karma?" Jesstina asks.

I nod, leaving the empty banana milk on the center of the table. None of us want to touch it. Maybe it'll stay there for good.

"Yeah," I say. "I can't find it in myself to stay in Jungkook's... my old room."

"You should just join us," Nabi says. "We've been sharing for two months now."

"It's okay." I wave them away, then force myself toward the couch. Jesstina's plush blue blanket that she gave to Jungkook lies there. I wrap it around me, trying not to breathe in too hard in case Jungkook's scent brings me back to the days when he was a part of us.

Long after the lights are out, I lie awake and imagine that he's snoring away in the room across from me.

A/N: Such a sad chapter to write!

On a side note, I'm really gathering quite the collection of Jungkook GIFs. This chapter's one is one of my faves.

I'm a bit sad today because of news of Maui's wildfire. I live on Oahu but the whole state is in shock and mourning. Please join me in praying and look into donating if you can! Stay safe, ARMY.