The new and improved Twisted wonderland shitpost book!

O w (crack fic)

(Note: this is old. If I'm talking about events like they just happened, they didn't. I just never got around to publishing this until now.)

So today I hit my head on the curb of the road while running to get on the bus. Yes it did hurt and no I'm never going to stop bitching about it.

So I'm writing a crack fic to cope. Have fun

TW: Blood, bleeding out, Mc gets fed up with the boy's bullshit so they pull out their IV cord (no they do not die, even if the ending is ambiguous). I am not a medical professional, the only solution to any symptoms or injuries I've gotten was to drink water, so no do NOT ask me for medical advice or questions. Doctors will cringe if they read this because I'm using medical terms I know to make myself sound smart. I am not smart.

It all happened so fast they didn't know what hit them.

Mc was just trying to help. Singing a song while helping Ace and Deuce paint the white Roses red. 'Painting the roses red, we're painting the roses red! Not blue or green or aquamarine we're painting the roses red!' They had sung, unaware that Grim was out of sight and already fucking shit up.

What was Grim doing you may ask? Well he was doing something only an intellectual would know how to do, and was greatly invested in the vast outcomes of his hypothesis's that he simply couldn't wait until he tested on all of the possible dependent variables he could find-

He was eating rocks.

You fucking thought.

Anyways it was to the point that he was digging up parts of the garden to try and see if he could find anymore stones to eat because literally every other stone he found wasn't edible in the slightest. There were stones lining some of the flower bushes that had been painted to further add to the aesthetic, and to Grim it looked like he walked into a rock-candy store. So he did the next natural thing one could do in this situation and tRY TO EAT ALL OF THE ROCKS-

Riddle and Cater caught him in the act and began to chase him. What proceeded was what looked like a live-action Loony Toons remake, minus all the cross dressing. Grim cannot pull off a wig like Bugs Bunny can.

Anyway, Grim was a little shit and ran under the Mc's ladder, making them topple backwards.

"NO!!" They had cried, attempting to scream "NO!! FUCK!!" But alas their head hit the ground before they could get out the word "fuck". If that wasn't bad enough, they hit their head on one of the larger decorative rocks, which had been conveniently placed behind them for plot reasons.

With Mc's head now having a crack in it, who else but the first years would be at the scene and ready to help? Deuce speed-dialed the other first years, meanwhile Ace had the Mc in his arms NOT bridal style, but thrown over his shoulder like a sack of head-wounded potatoes.

Naturally they had to be taken to the hospital. Except the island that NCR is on doesn't have a hospital, because who could have a medical emergency when there's two giant magical schooled on either side of the island filled with reckless stupid teenagers who resort to violence at the tip of the hat and are learning about magical potions that do only god-knows-what? You're being ridiculous! Teenagers are the most responsible beings on planet Earth, rub some dirt on it and they'll be fine!

Mc was not, in fact, fine.

The nurse (which was Grim and Epel in a white trench coat with a white hat they spray painted a red cross on, don't as why Epel was already in the nurse's office) had nothing on them but ice, bandaids, and peppermints. Candy, as we all know, stops blood so after removing a certain furry goblin from the scene so he wouldn't eat all the peppermints, Epel took handfuls of peppermints and started shoving them down Mc's throat like they were pain killers instead of finding ACTUAL pain killers.

Peppermint Candy isn't the healthiest, but boy was their breath fresh.

In comes Jack, Ortho, and Sebek covered in debris. Why were they covered in debris? Ortho shot a laser canon at the fucking rock Mc hit their head on. He smiled at them and sweetly announced "Threat eliminated!" Like he expected a head pat. Mc wasn't sure who to blame for teaching this robo-child to resort to using a laser canon whenever there was a problem, but they were certain it was someone in this room.

"YOU IDIOTS! THEY'RE LOSING BLOOD!" Sebek screamed, shaking Deuce by the shoulders. Ortho was doing a body scan while everyone else was losing their shit, and when a sharp "ding!" Was heard, they looked to him for answers because who else could have dinged if not the literal robot?

"Scanning complete. Mc is bleeding out rapidly, and has a high sugar count in their bloodstream." He declared, looking at Epel directly.

Ortho took over the care for Mc, but that didn't make anything better. Yeah, they were laid down on a couch and got an IV cord stuck in their arm, but the nurse's office was bone dry and lacking supplies so they had to resort to using Grim and a shitty dollar store pillow to stop the bleeding.

Everything was fine.

For .5 seconds.

A fly was buzzing around the room and came close to the Mc. Grim, the one in charge of holding up the pillow, yoinked the pillow out from under their head and smacked the fly with it.

Good news: The fly was dead.

Bad news: Mc panicked when they suddenly felt their head losing support and moved to try and catch their head. Their fumbling made them fall off the couch and hit their head all over again, and thus started to bleed out once more.

But at least the fly was dead.

"Mc is losing even more blood!" Ortho screeched. If robots could cry he would be ugly crying right now, snot and everything.

Jack busied himself by strangling Grim, Sebek started wailing like a siren, and Deuce was holding Mc's head in his lap while sobbing uncontrollably.

"Shit, do they need a blood transfusion or something?!" Epel asked, looking at the bloodstained tile floor in horror.

Ace jumped on board with this idea even if it wasn't clear whether or not Mc needed a blood transfusion or not. "Ortho, what's their blood type?!" He shouted, shaking the little robot by the arms.

"It's B Positive!" Ortho answered brightly.

Deuce clearly missed the first part and continued to sob.

"I'M TRYING BUT ITS SO HARD TO—!" The blue haired boy cried, breaking into more sobs mid-sentence.

Mc by now had regained enough strength to analyze this hot mess of a group. They saw the earnest love that their dear friends felt for them, the worry etched into their features like a carefully sculpted statue. The tears that dribbled onto their face from Deuce, the screaming they heard from Sebek, the gargling sounds of Grim being strangled by an angry Jack. It was all living proof of how much they meant to the group.

So naturally they ripped their IV cord out.

"Fuck this shit dying is better than putting up with you idiots-"