Beautiful Dichotomy

chapter 54

"Oh." Rae said calmly while Samuel panicked around her. Snatching the knife from her hold as she didn't realize she cut a small chunk of her fingertip off. She felt like she couldn't hear anything he was saying as the ringing grew louder. Samuel was gently and shaking placing a paper towel over her injured hand.

She made no attempts to make things more difficult as her body followed whatever he was instructing her to do. Samuel had to physically grab her right hand to hold the paper towels on her left hand and apply firm pressure. He wanted to hold her face, knowing she was in shock to try and explain that they had to go until he froze at the sight of her blood on his hands.

Trying not to freak out, he took a few deep breaths and ran to the sink to wash them.

Rae watched as the blood soaked through and was about to fall before she finally moved on her own. Replacing the towels with fresh ones.

That's all she remembered before being injected with a needle to numb the area in the emergency room. "You'll need only a few stitches, I'm gonna let this numb for a minute or two and be right back with the sutures, okay?"

Rae nodded before looking over to Samuel who just chewed on his thumbnail. His eyes glued on her hand that was resting on the small cart, "I'm okay." She reassured him before his eyes immediately went to hers. Samuel's stare intensified by the second as she held her breath.

"Okay."

His voice shook slightly at his one word response before he perked up at the doctor coming back in the room. Rae focused and watched as he expertly sutured her fingertip, scared for any scarring or how it may heal. The doctor swiftly went over instructions and healing time before he left them alone again.

They just sat there quietly, awaiting the discharge paperwork so they can go.

"Thank you," Rae said genuinely as they walked together on the sidewalk. Neither of them planning on where they were going and how they'd get there. "I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there," she tried to laugh and make light of the situation, "probably kept staring at it like an idiot."

In her peripheral, she saw him nodding with a faked smile that lasted only a moment before his face was back to stoic. "I'm sorry I sent that text," she knew what was on his mind and she felt horrible, "I should've called you back today too. And I didn't mean to make you go crazy, I was just in my head about something but Dahlia helped me try and start sorting out my thoughts. I shouldn't have said that and I really should've said more to explain."

"You've been different these past few days," he cut off her nervous rant as they continued to walk together, "I've been feeling like I'm annoying you or something." Before she could practically scream to disagree with him, he continued, "I mean I even sent you a picture today and your response was that. How do you think that felt?" His head making her flinch as it turned to look down at her. She could tell by the way he looked at her in this moment that he was now looking for reassurance from her. That knife might as well be six inches deep in her gut.

Samuel was surprised to see her big, brown eyes now brimmed with tears. She couldn't take another step as they now stood off to the side and the tears immediately fell, "I am so sorry."

Unable to help himself, he pulled her in for an embrace. A much needed one as she tried her best to hug him back but wincing from her hand.

"I think you're too good for me," she cried, "that's what I talked to Dahlia about today," he could hear the pain in her voice, "and- and you do deserve better than me."

"Rae," Samuel now looked around, the few people taking the chance to look in their direction as she cried a little louder, "can you calm down for me so we can figure out food and head back to my place?" Pulling her head away gently to look at her now sniffling and trying to collect herself as she nodded.

Using her arms to wipe her tears as they quietly made their way back to his apartment. Nobody said a word as he busied himself by attempting to clean what looked like a crime scene at his counter. Grossed out by the blood until he turned to see her again. Her eyes and nose red, as she started wiping the counter. "Why don't you go sit down, I got this."

"Well I did it," she said quickly until he grabbed her wrist, "and I can clean it. You literally just got stitches, go sit." Rae didn't fight back as he ushered her from the kitchen, instead she busied herself by trying to think of food options. She brought her knees up to her chest, and her eyes fixated on her heavily wrapped middle finger.

"Pizza?" Samuel asked as he just finished cleaning only to look up and see Rae with her bag on her shoulder and her eyes glossy once again. "What is going on with you?" He sighed, sounding exhausted.

"My um- my sisters and brother haven't been the happiest with me. We've been fighting almost everyday since my dad's accident and apparently they've been fighting with my mom," her voice shaking, "being with you makes me forget all of that- that bad stuff." Her smile breaking his heart, "every text you send, every time you call me, it helps me, but I have no energy left in me. Seeing you or even looking at you feels so good, and I just don't deserve it... at least not right now," she shook her head before wiping more tears, "you deserve someone who can give you the same love that show me. It's honestly something out of a freaking movie."

Samuel was genuinely thrown, not having expecting to see her or hear this right now.

"I need to figure out my stuff at home, cause it's a lot and I've felt so fucking terrible about feeling overwhelmed when you have to keep reaching out to me. Sometimes my head is so loud that I can't handle thinking let alone talking so," she cried harder, "I just don't answer you," her whole body was shaking again, "and I feel so bad." She was hiccuping constantly between sobs, "I'm so sorry."

He couldn't take seeing her cry, immediately going to her, he hugged her once again. This time, feeling a large lump in his throat knowing he can't beg her to stay after she admitted that she's not doing okay.

"You have to tell me what you need from me Rae," she could hear the strain in his voice as his arms held her even tighter.

"Space," pain from her hand shot up her arm as she held him tight. Never wanting to actually let him go or forget his warmth, "and time."

"From me?" He felt like he needed to clarify, or else he'd give her 24 hours exactly before begging to see her again. "So you don't want to see me at all?"

Rae shook her head, giving Samuel the answer that he never wanted to hear as he backed away. Practically having to pry her arms from him, "fuck." The tears fell from his eyes as he angrily wiped them away. Rae reached to try and touch him one last time which he evaded.

"You can't spin this like you're letting me go, like I was trapped and couldn't leave you." He corrected her, "and if it were me doing this to you, how would you feel? Me saying you're too much for me to handle on top of all of my other shit?"

"That's not it I swear. I've just felt like I haven't been giving you what you need-"

"You've never asked me what I need Rae," he said in disbelief, "all you ever do is assume things."

Rae stared at him confused.

"I told you I could tell something was going on with you... so I sent more texts and called you more than usual cause I thought you'd like knowing I was there."

"Was there."

"Yeah Rae, was. You asked me for space and I'll give it to you as much as I don't want to. I told you before that I'd do anything you asked."