The Mechanics of The Heart (Unedited)

33

Amara Joseph

I felt a mixture of foolishness and disappointment swell up in my chest the more hours that seemed to slip by.
I had forced my self to sleep for about an hour before I moved what little furniture I had around to look like something. Although the couch still stay sat in front of the window, the blanket I used to nap was still draped over the side as the sun beamed into the space.

I could see why Bambi had this as her studio, the lighting was gorgeous almost all hours of the day and at night you got a clear shot of the moon.

But the sun was lowering now, dusk creeping in and I was sighing to myself. Brushing my wet hair from an impulsive decision to wash it to ease my nerves for waiting.
It wasn't as if this was classified as a date, if grocery shopping could even be considered a date.

Then I felt foolish all over again for thinking any of his actions could have romantic intent.
It wasn't as if it hadn't happened before, the start of high school was when it all seemed the most confusing.
Boys would hang out with me, we'd spend an incredible amount of alone time together. A few would even try to kiss me, but when I asked or someone from a mutual friend group asked the answer was always the same; "Nah Joseph's practically one of the guys." Even if they had gotten a chance to kiss me, as rare as I let it happen, they'd deny it with a twisted face like I was a disease.

For a while high school still felt like middle school.
Then senior year came around and the college kids would come to their old high school track meets and I'd know they were hitting on me. But I was always too focused on catching flight, flying far away from my family and their cold shoulder.

Bullet compliments me, something I wasn't used to in the slightest but conversation is easy with him. I like the way he laughs and he seems to do that a lot around me, he was a big and brooding biker yet the only person I felt like myself around in a long time and he welcomed it with a smile that made me think of how Christmas must feel in old movies.

I groaned out loud, falling back on my coach just as a pattern of harsh knocks echoed off my door.
I moved a lot faster than I'll admit towards the door, yanking it open I'm halfway torn into cursing him out and letting my excited wash over.

I would say I missed him, maybe his company. He and Bambi were the only people on truly knew here.

"Jeesh you look like a rat when your hair is wet. Anyone ever tell you that?" And Razor. Razor has taken an odd place in my heart, like the weird clown knickknack your nanny has had since before you were born.
I guess in a lot of ways he reminded me of Agustin, before the addiction.
"Razor what-" he brushes past, a swagger to his walk as if he owned the place. Narrowing my eyes on him I barely register my door not clicking shut a string of men March in a file line with empty leather vest resting on their shoulders. Bags filled to the brim with groceries in each of their hands.

"Stock it up boys. Amara, you really need to work on your decorating skills." Bewildered I spun on my heel to find Razor perched on my kitchen counter an already bitten green apple in his hands. I watched in a stunned silence as he tossed it up and down as the men worked like a well oiled machine filling my kitchen with groceries.

"What the fuck is going on?" They barely paused and Razor only smirked at me before taking a bite of his apple.

"Just following orders, you don't wanna end up on Serg's bad side." I sputtered at his nonchalance.

"Who?" He rolled his eyes as if I was exasperating him.

"I forget, Bullet likes to keep you to himself. Bullet is our sergeant just as mama bear is lady pres, Bear is our president and Tennessee is Vice, these are prospects. There's levels to this." He waved his hands around as he talked and I smirked, putting a hand on my hip. But grateful for the information, it seemed a lot more structured than the one my old college roommate boyfriend used to speak about.

"And where do you fall?" I notice some of the prospect smirk as Razor narrows his eyes at me but they still shimmer with amusement and his feet barely are off the floor with how tall he is but still he attempts to swing his feet almost childishly.

"Enforcer." A sinister glint sparks in his eyes as he smirks, the apple cracking under his teeth and none of the prospects are smirking anymore. "Anyways, enough chit chat, y'all head back to the clubhouse. You wearing that?" It was hard to keep up with Razor sometimes,m he leaned off the counter, barking a quick order that had my apartment empty expect for us and then his sparkling eyes were looking at me expectantly.

"Where are we going?" I bit my lip to keep from laughing as he groaned, tossing his head back.

"Jesus, woman, do you always ask these many questions? I've got orders to bring you to the hospital, Bullets waiting on you so could yo-"

My heart skipped to what felt like a stop as my breath hitched. All playfulness draining from my body. "What?" My mind was reeling with possibilities that made my heart start pounding painfully loud in my chest.

"I have to take you to the hospital to see Bulle-" He spoke the words slowly, gripping my shoulders and ducking to my eye level like I wasn't comprehending.

"Why didn't you say anything sooner!" I pushed his hands off me, yanking on my sneakers and a wind breaker, I was out the door before Razor.

I was telling myself it was because I was worried for my friend. Not because my heart was thundering a million miles in my rib cage.