The Mechanics of The Heart (Unedited)

34

Hunter Colin

I thought I would drown in the tears my sister cried at our father's funeral.

Now I know that was merely a hurricane to the tsunami she was capable of.
"I-I think I'm going to be sick." She hiccups in the pause between her sons, the tears are falling in the thousands. I eye her stomach warily as it jumps with each gasping sob.
The color was well and drained from her face, the red that usually dots her cheeks is absent and my sister looks ghostly white. I rub her back and she leans forward, hands resting on her knees and she swallows big gulps of air between sobs.

"Bam you've gotta calm down." My skin is still clammy and slick with sweat, like every nerve ending in my body was ripping itself apart from the verbalized memory. I had never said the words out loud, it was something that was going to be burned into my soul and buried with me in my grave.

Looking at my sister in hysterics now, I wish I could take it all back. Swallow the words back down to burn in the pit of my stomach like they had been.
"Calm down?" Her eyes narrowed in on me and if possible she seemed to cry harder. I ground my teeth into each other, ignoring the burning sting in my nose as I pulled my sister into the side of me.

Bear never came back down stairs, I noticed in the long five minute silence we sat in, outside of Bambis ragged breathing coming to slow painfully sounding hiccups.
I waited for her to speak first, brushing my hand up and down her shoulder like I used to when she would come crying to me in my room. Usually about a kid giving her shit for her name, always ending with me icing my fist with frozen peas from the freezer.

Words of comfort, however, were lost to me. They weren't something I could offer to my sister, because there were none offered to me when it happened.

Most days I feel just as frozen as I was when my mother molested me. Unmoving, not breathing, blood turned to wet sand as the ocean roars like a wailing baby in my ears.

"Hunter, I'm really sorry for what happened to you, I'm even more sorry you've carried that alone for so long." She shifted to look at me, her brown eyes so close so mine, inherited from our father gaze at me.
I hold my breath, looking for what I was afraid of, pity, judgment, disgust.
I don't get a chance to search for long because my sister wraps her skinny arms around my neck and yanks me into a hug. I can feel my niece moving likes she turning over in Bambis stomach.

The stinging in my nose spreads like a wildfire and I blink as my eyes burn, drips of moisture skim my face as they soak into Bambis sweater. I pull her a little tighter as my chest unravels like a knot, tears slipping down my face silently and my sister don't speak anymore.
One hand cradles my back and the other brushes over my hair to cradle my head. I sniffle, a wave of emotions I hadn't prepared for washing over me and it almost makes me want to pull back but Babi tightens like she can read my thoughts and I sigh.

Her hug feels motherly, something neither of us truly experienced but somehow my sister had learned the magic and was casting a spell that made the weight I had been carrying for so long seem impossibly light.

Pulling back I wipe at my face quickly, Bambi wipes at her own tears slowly and I can practically hear the gears turning in her head.

"What?" I pry, quite desperate to change the subject.

"Do you sometimes wish it was reversed? Like if we had lost Bianca instead of dad." She seemed almost hesitant with her words, a glimpse of the damage our mother had done still being repaired.
Bambi still hesitated to speak her mind or if at all about Bianca, like speaking about her would conjuring her up like the devil.

And hell maybe she wasn't wrong, last time Bambi had uttered our mothers name in brief passing, her shelter had burned down not a week later.

Maybe she thought we were cursed. I used to think so, then Bayou was born and there's nothing more of a blessing than that kid, than my niece on the way.

"I think we had lost that woman long before she was a mother, Bam. I think if the old man was here, he'd be damn proud of you." I spoke honestly, my gaze resting on the framed photograph sitting on the coffee table Bambi smile undeniable as she wrapped around Bear and my nephew had been oblivious to the camera with a large amount of candy floss in his grasp at the state fair last summer.

"Of you too, Hunter. I hate when you do that, your a fucking sergeant at arms and my big brother, quit acting like he wouldn't be proud of you too." She snapped, I blink, pretty sure I'm starting to catch whiplash from her swing in moods.
Bambi hardly ever cursed, except when she was towards the end of her pregnancy. I wasn't sure if it was her 'I don't give a fuck' switch being flipped but final trimester Bambi held no blows.

I could feel myself panic as she winced and grabbed for her back, "Shit- Hunter." I felt my eyes widen as my sister grabbed my had, squeezing tightly and I felt the blood stop circulating almost immediately.

"Pres-shit -BEAR!" Panic seized all thinking as Bambi rose barely off the couch, wetness hitting the floor with a heavier thud than I expected, it was more than I expected in general.

Thudding footsteps sounding like background noise as I watched Bambi swallow a breath before clutching her stomach and groaning again. My hand still clenched tightly in her grasp, my fingers cold from the lack of circulation.

"Stop just fucking standing there and call the hospital and tell them I'm on the way." I jerked as she flicked my forehead, sweat beading her forehead as she breathed deeply. "Bear get the hospital bag, Jesus-" She gasped as I fished my phone out of my pocket with my free hand. Dialing the hospital as Bear pulled a bag out of the hall closet.

"Son, come down with your shoes and coat. It's time to go get sister." I smirked at the giddiness in Bears growly voice.

"Hunter." I jerked down as the lien rang out, my sister huffing as she rubbing her stomach.

"Yeah, Bam?" I answer quickly as she blows lowly and deeply out her nose, face twisted like she's fighting another contraction.

"I'm so glad you my brother and I love you. But I swear on your nieces birth today- if you don't kill that bitch and soon- fuck." She inhales sharply as the line finally picks up at the hospital. Dialing 9-11 seemed more efficient but the last thing I wanted was to be on the bad side of Bambi in labor.
I don't get to hear the rest of her words as we make way towards the hospital, the arrival of my niece slightly early creating a misty bubble of anxiety and excitement lodged in my throat.

I hold my nephew close the whole way.