VANGELI

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It has been what? Some time now since I have kissed this man and as any logical person would know is that we might have something going on. That’s what I think but he has not even for once since kissing the lips of a woman ask me to be his girlfriend or he wants something more than the friendship we have instead things have carried on as normal. Low blow I tell you because to me it tells me that ngiphaphile ngaqabuzana nenceku(I was forward with kissing the man of God), maybe he has regarded me as a force that is there; to be reckon with and one that would be his downfall or something like Samson in the bible but I am not even close to that. I can’t even tell Ntando about me being this man’s first kiss. I mean men are seen to be beings with more experience with women in things and he is not. I like it, I should say. It makes me feel like something big or the next big thing when I am not. Being his first kiss at 30 years! Should I be worried about this kind of behavior or not? I don’t know at the moment and I am scared of even asking what is really going on between us though we are getting along fine. I have refrained from initiating the kissing kuyoze kuthiwa ngiyidimoni enkonzweni(They would say that I am a demon at church). 

Today it is a Sunday and I have asked my mother to tag along to church, it is not like I was going to stay anyway pr not go but she was merely surprised that I at least asked to come along. I want to try this church thing without labeling people with God but just seek to have a proper relationship with him and find peace. I want to find peace in my heart something I have been missing since I was a teenager and for me to move past my past the best way possible. Though I know I will never get the apology that I will long for but I just want to find peace within me that God has for me. My father sent some money a few days ago and topped it up with R300 on top of his usual give away and I decided to buy something for church that I might like and my mother would approve too. I feel good and look good too I should say. I take my purple English bible and shove it in my bag, I use the pink paged one for referencing when I want to understand in more context what is being said and I so far would say that I am trying. I pray twice a day now though sometimes I forget to pray but I try the best that I can, all that I have mastered in my praying is asking for peace that’s all and I am still waiting on that trust me I am. 

I get out of my room and I find my mother ready in her usual church outfits and she looks at me and smiles. 

“You look beautiful my baby”, I smile. 

“Thank you ma”

“When last did you speak to Vangeli? ”she asks. 

I want to roll my eyes on that one. 

“I haven’t talked to him in a while”, she looks at me. 

“I didn’t do anything”

“I hope so”, either than teaching him how to kiss. 

Maybe that is why he has not said anything to me and I almost fell for that ‘ I love you like Christ loves his church’ bullshit I guess. To even think so, I keep on reminding myself this morning reciting that pastors are associated with poverty and too much responsibility. 

“Let’s go I don’t want to be late”, she says. 

I hope pastor Ngubane is the one who is preaching today so I don’t get to see his son’s face in front of me through the whole sermon. We get out of the house and my mother is the driver today and I get to be the passenger princess that I should be. She plays some music through the car and the speakers are booming as she is playing some Dumi Mkokstad song as she is praising. This is her pre worship jam session every time we go to church and I have gotten used to the fact that she likes it this way. For years even. I keep myself busy through social media watching anything I find there and reading the hottest news I could find and soon enough we get to church. She parks and we get out of the car and make our way inside. Already the ushers are greeting us and we find ourselves in the front section close to rubbing shoulders with pastor’s family. My mother greets the pastor’s wife and her husband and they greet me too, I have to smile of which I do genuinely. Asanda is on that stage with a microphone close to her big mouth as she sings. She sings very well I have to say, we both were one of the best singer’s here in this church so I am not surprised when I see her as the lead worshiper. She just lacks something though but I cant put a finger on it.