VANGELI

Chapter 42

Chapter 42

The whole concept it is to figure it out but that is not the case here. we cannot figure life sometimes and we figure different things in life, so in meaning there are different manuals to our life. I thought that giving my second chance at how to be part of the book of life would be, better I would say. I love my journey with Christ. Being a child of God has brought so much peace in my life but I think that my heart has shifted from what I thought will always be my home, it is not there and I have been asking God to show me a new home, a home where I would feel comfortable and safe in and yet, I am still waiting to be answered on that.

Here I am in the house of the lord but my mind is not here, my spirit is not here. As much as everyone is filled within the spirit of the lord but right now, my mind is functioning in the capacity of just fear.

I am not comfortable being in this church anymore. As much as it is a family church of which it is of the family that I am married into but I am not comfortable anymore. It is not the same, I feel worse.

I find myself holding onto my skirt tightly as I watch the worship team on the stage, the car seat next to me with the baby resting inside and my husband is too next to me. I look at him and he does the same and lets out a small smile and places his hand on my thigh and gives me a light squeeze. I breathe in and out closing my eyes for a moment and I open them.

My mother is not here anymore. She doesn’t come here anymore. Her reason is the same reason I am don’t like being here anymore.

Do not get me wrong, I love the lord and I have learnt that some things are not the lord’s fault but people.

“Are you okay?”, Vangeli asks softly whispering into my ear.

I look at him.

I am not, I don’t want to be here. it has been over two weeks or so since I have came back and I am not ready to be here. I know that he has duties that he cannot just neglect as the next heir to the thrown, the thrown that his father has created for him and I should be beside him as his wife.

“Yes”, I lie through my teeth.

I do feel a bit guilty for lying to him but I cannot tell him now how I feel about his father’s church now. His church soon.

“Okay”, he says.

He is preaching today and it has been a while since I heard him preach. The time for him comes for him to move to the stage. We stand up as we escort him with a round of applause to the stage. He thanks the worship team before we settle and he opens his bible, his diary there infront of him as well. I look over his parents. They are always proud of their son. Who wouldn’t be proud of what their son has become, like Vangeli.

“You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself…..”, he says.

He looks unto the congregation.

“The lord speaks of holding grudges in your heart, the verse taken from the book of Leviticus 19”, he then pages through his bible.

I sigh. The baby starts to wimper and I take the car seat and stand up going outside the congregation with him and he cries while outside. I go to the car and I put him in the back seat and I take him out of the car seat. I hold him in my arms and try to calm him down. Maybe he needs a nappy change. I push everything back before I start with changing his nappy and he is still crying. After I am done I reach for his little plastic disposer and I put in his nappy there and I perk his tiny lips and he stops crying and I look at him and I smile. I stay with him for a little while outside in the car until he is better and not crying anymore. I put him in his car seat and take the plastic with his nappy and I take him out and close the door before locking the car. I dispose the plastic in a near bin and then I make my way inside the church. I go and sit down and place the car seat next to me and this little man is quiet.