Falling Helplessly

Prologue - Listen before I go

Ella: 

Everything in my life had led me to this moment, in just a few minutes, I would be free. I would be gone. All that would be left of me these letters and distant memories... 

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Jodie, 

Nothing I write now will change anything, because after all they're just words on paper. In the grand scheme of things, they don't matter. 

I know you will be blaming yourself, but you shouldn't because there is nothing you could've done to save me this time. 

Since high school you've been there for me throughout, you helped me when all I wanted to do was give up, you showed me a way to go on. You promised you'd never let me down and you never have. You gave me more time on this Earth and because of you I had a happy life, for a while. I had everything most people wished for because you made me see they were worth living for, but then there were the darkest parts of my life that I ran from but now I know I can't keep running. I have to let go. 

I can't tell you just how thankful I am for you. I can honestly say that without you I would've been dead a long time ago. You stood by me no matter what was thrown my way. You were the only person who truly knew me. 

I know that now I am gone you will find it hard for a while, but you'll also understand why and know that I'll still be with you, always. 

All I ask is you make sure they're okay, that they move on from me. 

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry I let you down. 

When the time comes, tell her my story and please, be there for her like you were for me. 

Goodbye, 

El xx 

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My dearest Alfie, 

I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did, for I never wanted to leave you. 

You gave me hope, hope that the days would get better, that the clouds in the sky would be invaded by sunlight. You, Alfie, are my sunlight, you always have been so please don't blame yourself because I'm finally free. 

All I wish is that you keep your promise you made to me on that shocking day, the day both our lives were forever changed, do you remember? You said to me, "I promise, I'll love you both forever." 

You have shown me that you have so much love to give, so don't waste it on the thought of our past, use it to take care of our little girl now I'm no longer there to give her my all. But also find someone new to love, someone who is kind, who gives you loyalty, learn from our past mistakes. In time allow yourself to move on. 

I'll never be able to let go of what we had together, perhaps that's what scares me the most, knowing that I'm leaving you. But remember, you once told me that if ever I miss you to close my eyes and imagine you beside me, now it's your turn, all you have to do is picture me and I'll be right there with you because I will forever love you. 

Remember the happy times we shared and the life we created together. 

I'm sorry I couldn't hide you from the pain but know I'm not afraid to die. In another life, we'll get our happy ending, until then, I love you. 

Goodbye, 

Forever your El xx

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Jasmine, 

This will be the hardest goodbye of them all, please know that I stayed as long as I could for you. 

You brought only happiness into my life from the moment I found out I was pregnant till now. As soon as I held you in my arms I wondered what had I done to deserve a daughter as amazing as you, and each day after. 

If ever you want to learn about me, all you have to do is ask, your aunt Jodie will tell you anything you wish to know. 

You being my daughter has been the greatest gift and experience of my life. 

Please know that I loved you so much, just as your dad does, and we both always will. 

Don't feel lost in the absence of me, I'm leaving you with a little advice let everything that comes your way make you stronger, I can already see how much fight you have to give. When you fall in love, love with all your heart, just make sure they're deserving of you, don't settle for anyone who doesn't make you feel extraordinary. 

I hope you get to live a happy, adventurous life, that you find love, that you have everything you want to get out of life. 

I hope that one day you can forgive me for leaving, just know that I will always be right by your side. 

I love you so much, my gorgeous girl. 

Always, 

Your mum xx