Falling Helplessly

Twenty - How am I supposed to live without you

Alfie - Seven years earlier 

I was sat beside Jasmine in hospital, waiting for the doctor to come and place a cast on her wrist as it broken, when I received a phone call from Lauren ; Ella's sister. 

"Alfie! You need to get to the hospital now! It's Ella, she, she tried to kill herself. I don't know. Just get here, now!" Lauren shouted frantically down the phone. 

"Where is she?!" I practically screamed as I began racing through the hospital corridors to the girl I loved, praying that she'd make it. As I approached the room that Ella was in Lauren walked out of it her head in her hands sobbing uncontrollably, but still she tried to stop me from going in but I pushed past her not speaking a single word to her. 

As soon as I walked into that room my world came crashing down. I saw my girl led there in the hospital bed with a grey complexion, my eyes flickered to the screen next to her showing a flatline, the doctors turning the monitor off, then calling time of death before they said something about giving me a moment alone with her, but I couldn't process any of it, I couldn't even begin to comprehend what was happening, my eyes flickered to her bandaged wrists and it transported me back to all those years ago when I'd saved her the last time something similar to this had happened. I was not willing to let her go, I'd saved her once and I was going to save her again, there was no other option. 

Running to Ella's side, I started performing CPR on her, but no matter how hard I tried, her heart just wouldn't beat on its own, but still I caried on until I physically couldn't anymore. And then for the first time tonight I looked at her, I really looked at my girl, God, even now she still looked gorgeous, the girl who had stolen my heart. I couldn't picture my life without her, I never thought I'd have to. 

I dropped to the bed, lying beside Ella, my head resting on her chest. Usually when I did this, she would've held me before running her fingers through my hair, but this time, she didn't move, she remained lifeless, it didn't feel real, how could it be gone? 

I shouted out in pain, in anger, in sadness. Tears fell from my eyes, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating. Ella was dead. She was never coming back to me. 

Jodie then walked into the room, her eyes immediately filling with tears as she rushed over to me and gently pried me away from Ella, before pulling me into a tight hug, both of us sobbing into one another's shoulders. 

After what felt like hours but could have only been a couple of minutes, Jodie gently pulled away from me and told me to go and get some air outside. My first instinct was to refuse but then I realised I couldn't stay in here forever and sooner or later they would be coming to take her body to the morgue and that was one sight I couldn't bare to see. 

So, I slowly turned back around and walked back to Ella I took her in my hand and gently said the last words I ever would to her, "Ella, forever I will love you, my girl." And then I placed a soft kiss on her lips for the final time. Then, I turned around took a deep breath and walked through the corridors and outside of the entrance to the hospital, feeling like I was in some sort of trance. 

I was immediately hit by the sharp, cold air, I looked up to the starry night sky remembering what Ella used to say about how she believed that her lost loved ones where up there somewhere watching over them, I wondered if she was right, if she was looking down on me right now, seeing just how distraught I truly was. 

I could sense someone walking towards me and when I looked up, I saw Henry, who pulled me into him and as soon as his arms were around me I broke down into his arms, sobbing, I was inconsolable, but Henry just held me and let me get it at all out. I couldn't control it and at this point I didn't care who saw this. Ella had left me and I was once again alone in this world. 

Once I had begun to calm down, Henry walked with me back inside the hospital to where Jodie was sat down, they were both sat on either side of me sharing a look and I knew that whatever they were about to say would only shatter me even more. They both took a deep breath and told me together that I needed to go and tell Jasmine, that I had to tell her the truth about what had happened to her mother. 

"I can't." I said defeated. 

"Alfie, she needs her dad, now more than ever, it has to be you that tells her." Henry replied as he placed his hand on my shoulder trying to give me both encouragement and comfort at the same time.

So, I slowly walked away and to my daughter. She looked so happy. I sat down beside her as she proudly showed me the bright blue cast she had chosen that was now placed over her wrist. I knew that within a matter of minutes that smile would be gone from her face and it would be my fault for delivering her the news of her mother's death. I mean what kid was this cheerful after breaking her wrist, I don't know how to do this to her. 

I got up and sat down on the bed beside Jasmine, protectively putting my arm around her as I said, "Jasmine, do you remember how your mum used to tell you that when sometimes people have to go away so they watch over us in the sky and we see them as stars? Well, your mum has had to go there too, your mum has died, but what that means is that now she's in the stars, watching over you as an angel up above making sure that you're being looked after in life for you have her as your guardian angel." 

"Is she never coming back?" Jasmine asked me barely above a whisper. 

"She's not because she can't, but she will always be with you as she lives on in each of our hearts." I replied as Jasmine started crying, which broke me even more. Watching my daughter cry over the death of her mother at such a young age, I felt helpless, knowing that I couldn't ease Jasmine's pain. I feel like a failure, I couldn't save Ella and now I can't save Jasmine from the sadness she feels. 

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Jasmine asking me, "Are you going to leave me daddy?" And I could actually feel my heart split in two at her words. 

"Well Jasmine everybody leaves someday, but I promise you that day won't be for a very long time not until you're all grown up and have a life of your own, but until then I'll be by your side every day, it's you and me now kiddo." I replied and she simply nodded as she cuddled up to me tightly gripping my shirt as if she was afraid that I too would be taken away from her. 

I stayed with Jasmine for a while longer, but I was receiving about twenty phone calls per minute, apparently the news about Ella had already spread around her friends and family, but I couldn't deal with it, so Jodie went and sat with Jasmine taking her to Henry's car, whilst I walked into the car park for a minute alone, I threw the phone across the floor where it landed destroyed at Henry's feet, he picked it up and placed it in his pocket before he walked over to me and tried to console me once more. 

"Me and Jodie are going to stay at yours tonight, to make sure you and Jasmine are alright." Henry told me before we walked back to his car where he drove us all back to my house, with all of us silently crying over the girl we already missed.