Falling Helplessly

Five - Wild hearts can't be broken

"Over the summer holidays, Ella witnessed something no child ever should. She saw her father drinking way too much to the point where he was pissed and angered, shouting at his wife, lashing out at her, the constant screaming and arguing. Ella saw her mother's black eyes, the bruises and Ella made a decision she couldn't stand it anymore, so she gave her mother an ultimatum either he leaves or she does.

Ella's mother blinded by love for her husband told Ella that under no circumstances would anyone be leaving. Instead, her mother held Ella close and told her that she would ensure her husband would stop drinking that she would make him see the damage he was doing to their family, that everything would go back to how it used to be. What Ella knew to be true was that her mother was manipulating her she then proceeded to say that Ella was just being sensitive and that everyone has tough days and their own coping mechanisms and her husband was just under a lot of stress. There was always an excuse Ella's mother always jumped to her husbands defence, it was Ella against her parents from that day forward. 

Ella refused to speak to her dad, she loathed him. There were three people living in that house but there was no love there. Ella saw her parents as people she shared the same DNA as but nothing more they weren't her family, not anymore. 

For months she kept her parents secrets, kept the burden of hiding all the arguments, the abuse to herself until finally she broke and confided in me and Becky and neither one of us could comprehend the horrors Ella had bared witness to. 

I remember the day Ella told us clearly, she asked us to go out for coffee with her after school and she told us everything she broke down crying into my arms and I'd never ever seen your mother cry before but oddly enough that was the day I realised that your mother and I would forever be friends that I was her person because she trusted me enough to tell me the darkest parts of her life and your mother was the most secretive person I'd ever known, she kept her heart guarded that was for sure. 

A couple of weeks after Ella had told us the truth about her homelife, her father had come home late from work and Ella was in the kitchen finishing off her tea, she'd made enough only for herself, her father upon realising this purposely knocked the pan off the stove the contents of which poured across the kitchen floor scolding Ella's arm as it splashed back up to her and her father simply stormed out of the room without muttering another word. Ella told her mother the following morning what had happened but she said he hadn't laid a hand on Ella and that it was just a misunderstanding and therefore he'd done nothing wrong. 

It was then that Ella lost all respect for her mother, she vowed then and there that if she was ever to have her own children she would protect them first and foremost, always. 

I was the only one who realised that something had to be done to help Ella, she'd started cutting herself, she never intended for me to find out, but eventually I saw the scars and the freshly cut wounds, she couldn't deny it any longer. When I asked her about she said it was no big deal, just something she did, but once again after a while I got through to her and she told me the reason she had begun to hurt herself in this way was when the arguing between her parents got too much, she would do it to distract herself, it drowned out the noise around her and gave her something to focus on, she said that biting wasn't enough it didn't cause the same pain and she needed something that hurt. 

The day she told me I held her close and promised I would help her, I told her that she could rely on me, that I would never let her down, that from that day forward I would always be there no matter what and so I took her to the doctors the following week hoping they could do something to help Ella's situation. It took a lot of convincing but eventually she agreed, though she didn't say a word to the doctor she simply looked at me and so for the first time I told the story of how and why Ella was suffering because she simply couldn't do it herself. Though, it didn't do much, she was simply put on over a year long waiting list to be seen by a mental health professional, for all I knew with the way her mood was rapidly declining, she could've be dead by then. I was in living fear of getting a phone call saying Ella was dead at that point. 

Ella then began confiding in me more and more, we began to speak at length about alternative ways for her to manage her pain, but sadly she said that nothing numbed her the way cutting did and I could do no more, all I could do was be there to catch her when she needed me too." 

I saw the tears glistening in Jasmine's eyes, I knew I had to lighten this conversation, somehow, but Jasmine had questions. Questions that only Ella could have truly answered, but still I tried my best, swallowing the lump in my throat, I allowed her to ask whatever she thought she needed to know in the best way I could. 

"Why didn't she try to get help or go to the hospital or well anything, it's like she just gave up." Jasmine replied her voice laced with hostility and judgement. 

"Your mother was a very private person she didn't trust at all, she feared becoming a burden. What I know for sure though is that your mother never gave up, she fought like hell and tried to overcome the thoughts in her mind and the harsh environment that she lived in, everyday of her life." I replied. 

Jasmine said nothing, just nodded her head in acknowledgement before motioning for me to continue. 

"She was lost Jasmine, all she'd ever known was pain."