Falling Helplessly

Twenty One - Where's my love

Henry's car pulled up outside of what used to be mine and Ella's house, but now it was only mine. We all got out of the car and I carried Jasmine to her room careful no to disturb her as she'd fallen asleep in the car. 

Once Jasmine was safely asleep in her bed, I wandered into the bathroom where the police had already informed me and Lauren earlier that this was where Ella had taken her life, it was ruled a suicide immediately, no investigation necessary, case closed. 

As soon as I reached the bathroom, I saw the stains that remained it took me right back to the day I found her lay on the floor of her bedroom when we were only teenagers. 

So, I grabbed the bleach from under the sink and began scrubbing the floor, breaking down once more from the realisation that I was cleaning un my girlfriends remaining blood, knowing that I would never be with her again, that I would never see her smile or hear her laugh again or the way she would mess with her hair when she was nervous, just the little things she did that meant the world to me but now I realise I took them all for granted, I took her for granted as I thought she would be in my life forevermore. 

All I cared about right now was getting these blood stains out of the floor. I didn't care that I had bleach all over my hands and clothes, all that mattered was getting this floor clean but no matter how much I scrubbed it didn't seem to come out but I couldn't bring myself to stop until someone placed their hand over mine physically stopping me. 

"Alfie look at yourself, she wouldn't have wanted you to do this, let me." Jodi said as she pulled the rag out of my hand and the gently pulled me up, I could barely stand on my own, it was like everything was spinning, like nothing was real, like I was in some alternate universe. I stood leaning against the wall, unable to focus on anything. 

I heard through the daze I was in Jodie shouting for Henry, but I was barely paying any attention, putting all my energy into not collapsing. 

Eventually, Henry came and guided me into the living room before making me sit down on the sofa. He went into the kitchen and returned with a wet cloth and started wiping the bleach and the faint marks of Ella's blood off my hands and I just let him, feeling numb to everything. 

"It's gonna hurt for a while mate, this is going to be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life but you will survive this. You know that Ella wouldn't have done this unless she absolutely thought there was no other way out, deep down you know that to be true so hold onto it." 

I didn't reply I couldn't, I just sat there lost in memories, until half an hour later, Jodie returned looking fragile as ever, her hands trembling as she tried her best to remain somewhat composed. 

"I found these." Jodie said revealing a couple of envelopes. 

Slowly, I took the small envelope from Jodie and held it staring at it, hoping that this wasn't a goodbye letter, I wasn't strong enough to read her final words to me, it couldn't be true, it just couldn't. Still, I had hope that in a few minutes I would wake up and this would have been a terrible dream. 

With no such luck, I read the letter that Ella had left, feeling as though I'd been destroyed all over again. I could barely breathe let alone process the words she had left me with. I hated myself for leaving her alone. I wanted her back. I needed her, I loved her too much to let her go, I wasn't ready for her to just be gone. It was supposed to be me and her forever, but she left before we even got the chance.