Falling Helplessly

Four - Head above water

During year eight, your mother got ill, she developed pneumonia and was seriously ill with it, she was both hospital ridden and later bed bound. During this time, Ella realised she had anxiety and it only grew worse, she took serious amounts of time off school even when she was fully recovered, she isolated herself from her family and friends she became paranoid over becoming ill. It got to the point where she would not leave the house, not even just to go in the garden. In her eyes, everything was a threat, everything had the potential to get her ill again because of this, she began using hand sanitizer religiously, even when she hadn't touched anything. Her life became revolved around making sure everything was clean, cleaner than clean, so that nothing had the opportunity to make her ill. 

Ella eventually isolated herself in her room, she slept away the days, shouted at her parents for coming too close to her, cleaning every surface daily, changing her bed sheets every day. From the outside looking in you could tell she was terrified but more than that she'd become depressed, she just hadn't realised it yet. 

When her parents eventually decided enough was enough, we were in year nine, all her classes had changed as had her friends, she'd walked back into an environment that was alien to her whilst having high functioning anxiety. 

We were put into the same classes for pretty much everything that year, and I still remember the first class we had together, it was history, and when Ella walked in she had terror written all over her face, her eyes wide with fear, it was all too much, most people had already walked in and taken their seats. The teacher walked over to her and told her to sit at the back beside me, I tried speaking to her of course, but she simply nodded her head or shook it, she didn't speak a word too me for over two weeks and by then I'd taken pity upon the poor girl. No longer did I think of her as the weird girl from science like I had last year. 

I'd decided after a couple of lessons she wouldn't survive this year if she didn't have someone looking out for her, especially when the kids in our class learned she didn't speak, they started taking the piss out of her as suddenly she was easy bullying material because she didn't speak, she didn't defend herself, she didn't say a word. But I wasn't about to let that happen, so I told her to sit with me in every lesson and without saying a word she did, simply smiling at me. I honestly dread to think what would have happened to her if I hadn't taken her under my wing when I did. 

After a couple of weeks of sitting beside me all day every day, she eventually started talking to me, only about the work at first, but a few months passed and then we started spending time together at breaks and lunch times. I quickly became Ella's protector, fighting her battles within school for her, but whilst we were getting closer and she began to trust me again she started withdrawing from her other friends. She left all of the group chats she was on, she cut herself off from everyone except from me and her childhood best friend that had surprisingly lasted throughout high school as well, your aunt Becky. I soon saw Ella as more than a best friend, I saw her as my sister and I knew that I would go through hell to bring back the light into her life. 

Halfway through year nine, anxiety ruled Ella, she was constantly having panic attacks, she became dependent on me at school, she couldn't face it alone out of fear of something bad happening and me not being there to help her, to fix it, her life was controlled by fear. 

I wish I could've helped her more, saved her, but I know now that I did do everything I possible could have done, but back then I felt responsible, I was drowning in guilt over the pain my best friend was going through.

Jasmine, the rest is hard to hear and hard for me to tell, I don't want you to feel like you're obliged to listen to this. So, if it any point it gets too much please just tell me and I'll stop." 

"I want to know, everything." Was all Jasmine said as she pulled a blanket over her and took my hand into hers, holding onto it for dear life. 

I knew that it was killing her hearing all of this, but her mother wanted her to know and I have never broken a promise that I made to Ella, and whether I made this promise or not Ella was relying on me to follow it through, and even though Ella isn't here anymore, I intend to do just that because my promises to Ella still stand and so I have to do this for Ella. 

"Towards the end of year nine, Ella started becoming more like herself again, slowly but surely. Everyone felt like they were getting her back, but of course it was too good to be true. 

Unbeknown to me at that point, Ella had started self harming, at first it was just biting her arms, so she would cover them with concealer and foundation so none of us could see, so we wouldn't know of the pain she was still going through. 

She began to slip away again, a couple of months later and the biting was no longer enough. She started having suicidal thoughts the pain creeping up on her once again. She thought that she would be better off is she just went away, at the age of thirteen, she wanted to die. She fought it though, so bravely, but even so suicide was a constant thought on Ella's mind. 

One night, she felt too much all at once, recurring thoughts and images of her giving into the temptation, of her disappearing, of her killing herself. It was too overpowering, no longer could she just push it to the back of her mind, she couldn't do anything but feel it, the thoughts on a constant loop in her mind. 

So she took herself off too the kitchen, it was past midnight, so everyone in the house was asleep. She slowly opened the kitchen draw and took the sharpest knife she could find in her hands. She sat down on the kitchen floor and simply stared at it. Watched as the metal shone and blade called her to use it. Until her anxiety hit and panic set in. 

She suddenly realised what she was doing and threw the knife across the room, terrified that she'd reached a step closer to the end. She broke down crying, uncontrollably, at this point she didn't know what she was crying for, for the pain to disappear or for the fear to dissipate or for the courage to bring the blade to her skin. 

In the end she realised, she wanted to die. 

Ella later told me that the one thing that saved her life from herself numerous times was thinking about me and Becky and her other friends, even her family. She stayed for us, she knew that if she died we would all be suffering so instead she suffered. She fought for her life, for us every single day, but not for herself for she had given up living the night the knife first entered her hand, now she was only surviving.