Falling Helplessly

Fourteen - I'll follow you

"That was the first time I saw your mum had experienced one of her depressive episodes since you'd been born. What scared her more than anything was that she realised that night holding the knife that the desire to die had only grown stronger, but her love for you and Alfie was still stronger, it kept her from giving up. 

A year later, your mum was turning twenty one so me, Alfie, Henry and Becky took her out to celebrate as Lauren was looking after Jasmine for the night whilst we all went out drinking. 

That night was one of the best nights we'd al had together in a while, but the day after was when Ella and Alfie nearly broke up. 

We'd all gone home, so Ella and Alfie had a couple of hours together before they had to go and get you from Lauren's, they were lead in each other's arms both of them totally in love until an argument was risen probably the worst one they've ever had. 

When I tell you what the argument was about you can't take it in the wrong way Jasmine. Your mum was angry at everyone and everything and she did not mean it in the way that Alfie took it. 

She told your dad something that she never meant to say aloud, she said "What if we hadn't had her? Then I wouldn't feel like I was trapped. I love her so much, but if I hadn't gotten pregnant I wouldn't feel like this, I wouldn't constantly be worried about her, I wouldn't be scared of losing her, of being a terrible mother, do you never think that she deserves more than me? More than we can give her?" 

Your dad was furious, he took it in the wrong way and it caused their whole relationship to very nearly end, Alfie practically shouted "How could you ever say that?! She's our daughter!" 

In that moment, Alfie didn't see the bigger picture, he didn't see that Ella was hurting from something much bigger than both you and him, because they were growing apart, mainly due to Ella's mental health but also because of Alfie's growing dependence on not only weed but on other things as well. 

I feel like I should explain Alfie's situation more. Basically, he'd always been a stoner but in high school he became dependent on drugs. He came off them with mine and Henry's help, but during that time he was a different person, we didn't recognise him and Ella knowing this was terrified of him going back to his old ways, causing a divide between them both. 

Your mum calmly replied "Alfie, I love Jasmine and I would hate myself and I would never have forgiven myself if she wasn't born, but do you not wonder what life would be like if we hadn't kept her. I mean, what if we made the wrong choice?" 

Alfie raising his voice said, "Do you really think we'd both still be sane without her? I can't believe you are even saying this!" 

Ella replied saying "I wouldn't have changed our decision for anything, she's the best thing that has ever happened to us, but what about us Alfie? All we do these days is argue, I'm tired Alfie. I just don't want to argue anymore." 

Alfie knew what she was implying but he wanted to hear her say it, he said "So what Ella? What do you want us to do?" 

So she said, "I want to take a break, from us." 

He practically screamed "Fine." 

Ella was shocked, she'd never seen Alfie act like this towards her before. Alfie stormed out of the house and went into town alone and called me in a blind rage ranting about what had happened. 

I tried to calm him down, but he didn't listen, so I went into town only to find him sat outside on one of the benches smoking none other than a splif. I sat down beside him and allowed him to explain what had happened to me before I managed to talk some sense into him. 

I turned to face Alfie and said "Both of you need to just shut up and listen to what the other is actually saying. She doesn't want a break Alfie! Are you fucking blind? She's struggling, immensely. She needs you because she's terrified of hurting herself and you by not being good enough , she feels like she's failing in every aspect of her life. You need to cut back on the drugs and talk to her about what's bothering you. Fucking communicate. Now go get your girl because you need each other." 

Alfie did listen to me (shock horror there) and they sorted everything out, but only after I'd spoken to Ella and convinced her to go back to him. 

See, they were both crazy about eachother ; they always had been. They were both just too bloody stubborn, but in the end they loved eachother more than being right, all they wanted was too protect one another from the pain they carried with them. 

When Alfie went and spoke to Ella, she collapsed into his arms crying, Alfie held her and kissed her saying to her, "You Ella, are an amazing mum and girlfriend, I love you so much and you should know that we'll always work it out because I need you in my life forever through the good and the bad. I want it all. I promise you that I'll walk beside you through the storms and hold you in the sunlight always, you're my girl, forever El."