Falling Helplessly

Three - You

"Now Jasmine, I'm going to tell you the story of Ella's life well, the factors that led up to the decision she made, I'm going to tell you both the highs and the lows of her life. How she met the love of her life, how deep our friendship went, how much pain she experienced, the choices she had to make along the way, the pain she felt on a daily basis, her home life, being your mother, everything. 

Ella's story, we're starting at Highschool, where I met her, where we became best friends, although how we survived that chapter of our lives I will never know, for Highschool is undoubtedly and I exaggerate not, the worst chapter of any sane person's life. 

Ella was sat alone at the back of her English classroom when Alfie walked in. Ella had never noticed him before, even though both of them had spent the previous year in the same maths lesson, both of them bloody oblivious, too caught up in their own worlds, their own struggles. Anyway, she spent the next few days falling for him and what I mean by that is she used to spend the majority of the English lesson learning more about the features of Alfie's face than the lesson itself, she'd glance at him whenever she got the chance then proceed to smile at the ground before composing herself as if she wasn't head over heels. Though she refused to admit that she had quickly developed a humongous crush on my friend Alfie Wilson. 

For this to make sense I'm going to tell you about my relationship with Alfie. We were childhood friends, who lost contact when we began high school, but were brought back together once again through none other than Ella. Alfie lived across the road from me, we'd spend our days playing football together in the back fields or he'd be over at my house watching movies with me all day. We had a no questions asked kind of friendship no matter what happened we'd be there for the other with whatever they needed, even if all we needed was a hug and a hand to hold while the rain poured, even if we didn't know what was going on, even if we didn't tell the other, we were there and that was all that mattered. Of course, like most friends do when growing up you grow apart that's what happened to us anyway, high school began he went one way and I went the other we were in different friend groups, I moved house and we lost touch, it wasn't intentional, it was life. 

Back to your mother's story though. Year eight was when the storm began to form, but it was also the year me and Ella became friends, I guess what they say is true every cloud has a silver lining. 

Me and Ella originally met in year seven thrown into the same science lesson together, she found me to be annoying and immature I would later learn, whilst I found her to be weird, she was the girl who sat in the back of the class speaking to no one except her one friend who was in the class as well. Eventually, she spoke to me when our teacher partnered us up to do a practical together for Chemistry. To be honest, my immediate thought was God, she's so boring, I can't wait for this lesson to be over, and whilst that may have been true in that moment I couldn't have been more wrong. However, if someone would have told me that a year later Ella would become my best friend I would have laughed in their face and said no chance, we were too different, but the universe clearly had other plans. 

Even from a distance in year eight I knew that Ella was hiding something but I have to say she did hide it well she put on a mask for everyone to see, but even so I could tell she was troubled by something, that there was something holding her back, but at that point I didn't care, I was still just an oblivious kid who thought it would be easier to keep my distance and say she was weird than actually get to know her. 

Year eight was the year that Ella saw how rapidly her mental health could decline and just how fragile she was. Even though I didn't know her then, she later told me, that she felt trapped, that she thought she was alone in the way she felt and that she dealt with it alone, it was all she knew to bury her feelings deep within to put on a show for everyone else, because to show emotion would be weak in her eyes and she wasn't weak. 

Over time, she eventually grew to trust me, she opened up to me and told me everything. I tried my best to show her that no matter what happened she would always have me, that I would always be by her side throughout everything and anything and over time she grew to trust me, but even with me knowing the truth and helping her navigate it she never could truly get over the trauma she'd both already been through and that the world kept throwing at her no matter where she turned, but one thing had changed she had me. 

No matter what was thrown her way she always got through it, she was the strongest person I knew and even though when I found her she appeared to be like a fragile puppy, untrusting and wary, she grew not only to trust me but then Alfie and even though some would say she kept him at arms length Henry as well, and together we had her back. She learned to depend on us, and even though we all helped her as best as we could in our own ways it just wasn't enough. 

In the end, she had no fight left to give.