Falling Helplessly

Twenty Eight - To build a home

Alfie - one year after her death 

I was sat at home, alone, in this empty house as Jasmine was at one of her friends houses, giving me time alone to think, which was never a good thing. Whenever, I had a moment alone all I thought about was Ella. Even a year later she was all I could think about. 

I gazed over at the wall and saw the pictures that still hung of me and Ella and I know they will never be taken down partly because I couldn't bring myself to do it but mostly because I know she'll always be with me. 

I was so lost in memories that I hadn't noticed that Jodie had arrived until she was stood in front of me snapping her fingers in front of my face at an attempt to get my attention. 

"I think I'm going go through Ella's stuff, I haven't touched anything of hers since she died. Everything is where and how she left it." I said quietly, not wanting to hear the words out loud. 

"If you're ready and you want me too, I'll help you." Jodie replied offering me an encouraging smile. 

What hurt most was knowing that me and Ella had made this house our home. When we were younger we felt as though the 'family houses' we lived in were simply a building that gave us shelter. They were never homes they each held to many unpleasant memories. Which is why when we bought this house together we made it our home, we finally had a place where we belonged but now without her it feels like just another house. 

Eventually, we made our way into what used to be mine and Ella's bedroom, opening the wardrobe ; one by one me and Jodie boxed her favourite clothes away and put the others in bags to be thrown out. 

I was doing better than I thought I would until I saw it, the dress. It was the dress she wore on our first date black and lacey at the top with pale roses on the bottom. Holding it in my hands, I fell to my knees, it smelled like her, her favourite perfume I'd once bought her. It felt like I was suffocating like I'd opened a door and been hit by grief all over again. 

After taking a minute to calm down, I gently laid the dress in the box, before staring at Ella's now empty wardrobe. 

"That was the dress she wore on our first date." I said to Jodie. 

"I remember, it took her hours to decide on what to wear, then once again she chose that dress with the leather the leather jacket, she started on her makeup I was so stressed out with her indecisiveness but she was simply adamant that everything had to be perfect for you." Jodie replied laughing. 

I grabbed Ella's jewellery box and handed it to Jodie whilst sitting beside her on the bed. 

"Have whatever you want but do me a favour, will you set some aside to keep for Jasmine when she's older." 

"Of course." Jodie replied before I left the room. 

I walked to the spare room, which was where me and Ella used to use as storage and where Ella kept all of her hair and makeup equipment. 

I looked in front of the mirror and stared at the hair straighteners that had been left abandoned, last touched by Ella. I closed my eyes and remembered how often I would watch Ella do her hair only half listening as she would rant to me about how it was going terrible when in reality it looked amazing, she always looked beautiful no matter what. 

It took a couple of days to completely go through everything, many a times I was hit with memories I'd long forgotten about until now. Most things were now boxed away and out of sight in the attic and the rest had either been thrown out or given away as no longer did they serve any sort of purpose in this house. 

Going through her items had given me the closure I'd needed in the final step of accepting that she was never coming home but also it provided me with comfort in remembering small memories we'd made that seemed so irrelevant at the time, but now they were holding me together knowing that even though me and Ella only had a short time together we loved eachother more than anything and I now had memories to replay and remember each day till I die.