Beyond Destiny ~ A Saga Of Timeless Love

27 ~ Realization

"The feeling of guilt is a reminder that we are responsible for the choices we make and the pain we cause."

Ruhanika

Realization is a very miniature or presumably a very customary term in our day-to-day lives, but the significance of this miniature term can smash an ordinary human under its impression.

My merry unicorn world, which I concocted here, was wrecked in a single blow of verity. Realization dawned upon me like a typhoon.

I watched the old lady leave without any word, it was like I forgot to communicate. The weight of realization was really heavy, and it made me tongue-tied. I could see Maya and Arjun Bhaisa coming towards me with a smile on their face. They were happy. I wiped my tears, trying to restrain them till I was solitary in my room, disencumbered to burst into tears without worrying about others. I don't want them to worry about me when they should be happy and relishing the pre-wedding period.

I made an effort to put on a smile it was not that problematic because that's what I have invariably done, falsifying my smile. Maybe I am a good actor because none of them was able to see through my facade.

I was unable to focus on anything they were saying. I was lost in my world, trying to provide myself with hope. I wanted something to hold onto, even if it was my illusion or a lie. I was not able to deal with the poundage of the verity.

They were trying to include me in their conversation, but I was not there. My mind was running at the speed of light. Thousands of thoughts were blurring my lucid understanding. I just wanted to be left unattended. I told them I was tired and wanted to take a nap, and they agreed. Maybe they realized that something was off with me.

I locked the door and lay down on the bed, looking at the ceiling. There were some designs on it, maybe flowers with tendrils, it would look pretty cool if done on a cloth as embroidery, I will try it...............okay stop it, it is not working, my subconscious mind said. I was trying to distract myself, but it was not working because I could feel tears running down my hair as I lay on the bed.

I could not keep distracting myself any longer; her words served as a wake-up call. I was sobbing uncontrollably, unable to calm my bleeding heart.

I was scared, scared of hurting him. What should I do? He doesn't deserve this heartbreak. I felt like I destroyed him by coming here and getting close to him. I can never even think about hurting him, my Dev.

I noticed that my hands were shaking and that my breathing had become irregular. I tried to control my sobs, but it seemed impossible at the time; I felt like someone was choking me. I gasped loudly for air. This cannot be happening. I cannot have a panic attack.

I attempted to regulate my breathing by taking deep breaths. I looked around. The day was bright, and I could see a small window and the small trunk that held my clothes. I leapt out of bed and grabbed my backpack as soon as I saw it. I swiftly took out my diary from the zip pouch and opened it. I could see the smiling faces of my parents.

I am not sure how long I sat there silently, looking at the picture, letting their smile comfort me. I was able to breathe again. It worked.

                                 🫅

It's been a week since I had a panic attack, and nothing changed after that. I was still trying to wrap my mind around that incident. There were thousands of queries in my mind, but no one was there to exonerate them.

Maya and Janki Amma were continuously asking me questions. My demeanor was the main reason for these inquiries. I was not able to think or articulate anything. My mind was stuck there at the temple.