Beyond Destiny ~ A Saga Of Timeless Love

64 ~ Letting Go

"We loved with a love that was more than love."

Ruhanika

I have the impression that I am becoming entangled in a web and have no way out. My feelings are scattered everywhere. It is unclear to me what actions are appropriate and inappropriate. I believe that I am the worst person for giving Dev hope; instead of maintaining my distance, I invaded his personal space.

After that incident, I did not really know how to react to anyone when I woke up a few days ago. Despite Dev's best efforts to convince me otherwise, I was not a fool to think it was an accident. I am aware that the man was the one behind this and that it was a well-thought-out attempt at murder.

The fact that I was the cause and the reason Dev could have—yet again—makes me feel even worse.

The idea that I could be the cause of something happening to him once more makes my heart race. All I can hope for is that he stays content and healthy with his loved ones, even if I am not included in that picture.

It is true that I felt happy when he confessed to me. I wanted him to be by my side, to take care of me, to console me, to spoil me, and above all, I wanted him to love me despite the fact that I knew it would have negative effects.

Why am I like this? How come I am so self-centered? Why am I so resistant to letting go of him? I hated myself for sticking with him and giving him ideas when I knew we could not be together. I knew that holding on to him would only hurt me and him, but I did it anyway.

I allowed myself to be affected by him and to experience his love for me. Although I knew things would not turn out well, I allowed myself to believe that everything would be alright.

Had anything bad happened to him that day, I could never have forgiven myself. I will never forget his willingness to give his life once more in order to save mine. He told me to jump out of the car, but how could I?

During these days, he was constantly trying to get me to speak; he was gentle and caring, but it did not make me feel better. I was so overwhelmed by guilt. Had I not taken the actions that I did, he would not have to worry about his life. I feel like I am going crazy from the guilt, and it gets worse every minute.

The scene in which Dev was lying in my lap, covered in blood, played out in front of my eyes on repeat. I could force myself to speak with them despite everyone's best efforts to divert my attention.

I felt like a killer, and I could see his blood on my hands. I was becoming more and more insane by the moment; why must they do that? What have we done to anyone? We felt content in our small world, right? Why did they kill him? How come they took my Dev away?

When Kiran and Suhani came to see me, they tried to get me to talk; I tried to tell them the truth but couldn't. It was as if my mouth would not open; they were talking about anything and everything, but my mind was not present; I simply could not respond.

"Could you do something for me?" I turned to face Kiran, who appeared startled to hear me speak—possibly because I had not spoken since they arrived.

"Of course, Ruhi; please tell us what you want." Suhani nodded in agreement as she calmly responded.

"I need my passport, money, a phone with a sim card, some clothes, and a plane ticket arranged. You are aware of my home's password and my card's pin; withdraw cash from the ATM." They looked at me bewildered as I said that.

"Ruhi, why would you want that?" My eyes darted out the window as Suhani asked.

It was not like I did not think they were trustworthy enough to know my secret. It was just that I was not prepared. I was not prepared to talk about the thing that was hurting me more than any physical discomfort could ever be.