Beyond Destiny ~ A Saga Of Timeless Love

64 ~ Letting Go

"We loved with a love that was more than love."

Ruhanika

I feel as though I am trapped in an intricate web, with no way out. My thoughts and emotions are scattered everywhere, pulling me in every possible direction. I can no longer distinguish between what is appropriate and what is wrong. I feel like the worst kind of person for giving Dev hope when I should have kept my distance. Instead of drawing a line, I crossed it. I invaded his personal space, knowing full well the consequences it could bring.

After that fateful incident, I woke up a few days ago feeling lost and confused. I couldn’t face anyone, nor could I find the courage to face myself. Despite Dev's efforts to reassure me, I am not naive enough to believe it was a mere accident. I know it was deliberate—an intricately planned attempt at murder. And deep down, I know that I was the cause of it all.

The thought that Dev could have died because of me, yet again, is unbearable. The weight of it crushes me more with every passing moment. The idea that I could be the reason for his pain, for his suffering, tears me apart. All I want now is for him to stay happy and healthy with those who genuinely love him—even if I am not part of that picture.

But I cannot deny the truth. When he confessed his feelings to me, I felt a moment of unbridled joy. I wanted him by my side. I wanted him to care for me, to console me, to spoil me with his affection. Above all, I wanted him to love me. Even though I knew, deep down, that it would only bring heartache, I selfishly let myself dream.

Why am I like this? Why am I so self-centered? Why can’t I let go of him, even when I know it’s the right thing to do? I despise myself for holding on to him, for planting hope where none should exist. I knew our love was destined to fail, yet I allowed myself to sink deeper into it. I let his love touch my heart, and I reveled in it. I let myself believe, even for a fleeting moment, that everything could somehow turn out fine.

The guilt is consuming me now. Had something happened to him that day, I could never have forgiven myself. The scene of Dev lying in my lap, covered in blood, replays in my mind relentlessly, as though on an endless loop. His voice echoes in my ears, urging me to jump from the car and save myself. But how could I? How could I abandon him like that?

In the days that followed, Dev tried tirelessly to get me to talk, to open up. His gentleness and care should have soothed me, but they only added to my torment. His presence reminded me of what could have been lost, of what almost was. Guilt claws at me, suffocating me, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. If only I had chosen differently, he wouldn’t have to risk his life for me.

No matter how much everyone tried to distract me, I couldn’t shake the memory of that day. His blood—warm and vivid—still feels as though it stains my hands. I see it in my mind every time I close my eyes. I feel like a killer, haunted by what I caused. Why did this happen to us? What did we ever do to deserve such cruelty? We were happy in our little world. Why did they have to destroy it?

Why did they take my Dev away from me?

When Kiran and Suhani came to see me, they were determined to get me to talk. I could see their concern in the way they lingered near me, their voices carefully light as they spoke about anything and everything, trying to fill the suffocating silence. But my mind wasn’t there. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, my emotions a storm that I couldn’t seem to calm. No matter how much I wanted to, I simply couldn’t respond.

At one point, I tried. I opened my mouth to tell them everything, but the words refused to come out. It was as if my mouth was sealed shut, and the weight of my secrets pressed harder on my chest. They kept talking, unaware of my inner turmoil, while I sat there, a silent prisoner of my own mind.