The Lost Memories

7. guilt

"What is it that you actually want?" Summer asks me, instantly sending me deep in thought.

I've never actually thought about what I want. I usually just like to please others, not wanting to step out of line, and I've never truly just followed by heart. I made a decision to be with Michelle but is it really what I want? Is it what I need?

"I- I don't know." I stutter.

"Come on, I mean, you must've thought about it." She says, "If you don't want to be with Michelle, then what is it that you actually want in your life."

I want her. Fuck, I just want to scream it so loud that the whole world hears, and I'm finally free to do whatever I want.

"I- I don't know." I repeat, trying my best to get myself out of confessing my feelings.

Instead, I feel her hands on both sides of my face, forcing me to look into her eyes.

She stares deeply into mine as she softly says, "It's okay; you can tell me. Whatever it is, I won't judge."

And there we are, staring into each other's eyes longingly, and I'm so close to having what I truly want, what I desire. I look down at her plump lips, thinking about how good they'd feel against mine.

"I- I want-." I begin to speak, but I don't give myself chance to finish my sentence.

Instead, I give in to my temptations, quickly moving in closer to her and pressing my lips against her own. I feel the soft, buttery feel of them, and I feel like I'm drowning in the feeling of her.

But then it all stops when she pulls away, looking at me with a confused look on her face as she asks me this, "W- what- what are we doing?"

"I don't know but it feels good." I tell her, being met by her lips once again.

Passionately, I kiss her. I'm surprised when she doesn't pull away this time. Instead, she slips her tongue into my mouth whilst playing with my own. My hands end up deep inside her brunette curls, and I make sure to pull on them so that she ends up closer to me.

I then focus on the feeling of her hands reaching for my ass and squeezing it tightly. It makes me gasp a little, as I certainly didn't expect it. But instead of the feeling that I usually get when Michelle does that, I feel a sense of excitement when it comes from her.

"T- touch me." I say between kisses.

"What?"

"I mean it, please, just touch me." I let her know that I'm serious. "I want you to."

She then seems unsure. "I don't know; you're drunk, and I- I don't want to take advantage of you."

"Y- you're not." I push a piece of her hair behind her ear "I promise, you're definitely not. I want this, Summer; I'm serious."

She pauses for a second before nodding, "Okay. Okay."

I look below the covers as I watch her pull down my shorts, which is quickly followed by my underwear. I look away for a second, feeling slightly nervous as the only person who's ever seen this part of me is Michelle. She's judgmental though, and she refuses to have sex if I don't shave.

I then watch as she brings two fingers up towards her mouth before licking them.

I immediately stop her. "No, no."

"Is everything okay?" She asks me "I thought you said you wanted to."

"No, I do. It's just– Just put your hand down there, okay?"

"Oh, okay." She doesn't ask any questions.

As soon as I feel her reach between my legs, I rest my head on her chest, immediately grinding my clit against her hand. I don't bother to look at her, as I'm too immersed in focusing on getting myself off.

I know that she's probably wondering what I'm doing, as I know it's not common for girls to enjoy this sort of thing. Michelle always just gives me head. Yes, I enjoy it, but it's not what I crave.

I moan into her chest, closing my eyes as I begin to quicken up the pace. My cheeks burn as I work up a sweat. And, after a while, I begin to feel a warm, tingly sensation in my stomach as I get myself closer and closer. And when it does eventually happen, it's almost like I've been hit by lighting.

I feel Summer's hand in my hair as I come, and I can't help but notice how safe I feel for once in my life. And, for a while, we just lay in silence, and I find myself feeling comforted by the sound of her heartbeat.

"A- are you okay?" Is the first thing I hear her say after a few minutes of silence.

I don't lift my head "Y- yeah, I- I'm okay."

And then I hear her say, "I don't really know what to say right now. I mean, shouldn't we talk about what just happened?"

"No. I don't want to right now." I tell her.

She doesn't stop "But I think we should definitely talk about this. You're in a relationship, yet I just helped you get yourself off-."

I lift my head off of her chest, not wanting to hear her voice right now. "Summer, I said I don't want to talk about it right now. Can't I just have a moment of silence? I mean, I have to process this myself too; you're not the only one."

"Em, this is serious..." she says, irritating me slightly.

I just don't want to think about anything right now. I'm so tired, and I need at least one night before I process the fact that I've just cheated on the girl that I've known since I was a little kid.

"Yeah, and we can talk about this tomorrow." I say, clearly annoyed with her, "I'm tired, alright? I need to just go to sleep. I don't need to be reminded that I've fucked things up for myself."

I then turn away from her, pulling up my underwear in the process. I immediately feel the guilt wash over me as I lay in complete darkness, thinking about Michelle and the baby that I said I would be there for.

Fuck, Michelle would kill me if she were to find out about this! She's not the type of person to take things lightly...

I then hear Summer's voice once again, "Em..."

"Tomorrow." I remind her, "Just- just go to sleep."