The Lost Memories

20. worries

"Here, I got you some photos." I rummage through my bag to find the pictures from my recent ultrasound. "There's not many; I need to keep most of them myself."

I then hand over the photos, immediately seeing a smile appearing on his face as he admires them.

"These are great. Thanks, Michelle." Jones thanks me for them.

Even though we're not together, I promised myself that I would allow him to have as much involvement in our baby's life as he wants. I know that it would crush me if I couldn't see my child just because of relationship problems. It's not fair to drag that into this.

"Look!" I lean in closer to him, now pointing at a certain part of the photo: "The doctor said that she was waving."

"Waving?"

"Well, obviously she wasn't, but she reached her hand out and it just looked like she was doing it." I say.

"No, it's cute! And, yeah, it does look like that."

Things are quite awkward between us, and right now it's so evident. We had something really special, but it all came crashing down when I chose to be with Emily. And then things just escalated when I broke the news to him that I was pregnant...

Just when he thought he could move on, I told him something that changed his life.

"They say she's healthy. They checked her, and they haven't seen anything that could indicate that she's sick or not growing correctly." I try to fill him in because it's what I've promised.

"That's great to hear! I'm sure she's gonna be perfect, Michelle."

"Yeah, well she does have me as her mother, so I wouldn't expect anything less." I decide to make a joke to hopefully ease the tension.

"You're right." He laughs slightly.

And then I decide to stop the small talk. "Look, I know this isn't ideal, and I'm so aware of the fact that we both have completely different lives, but I was speaking to your father-."

He interrupts me, a serious look on his face. "You were speaking to my father?"

"Yeah, I was just filling him in on a few things. He's actually wanting to be involved in the baby's life."

"Why are you speaking to my father, Michelle?"

"I'm carrying his granddaughter, that's why." I'm beginning to get confused. "Why? Is it a problem? Should I not be speaking to him?"

"Just be careful around him, okay? I know that you're just trying to be nice,  but he always takes advantage of people that do that."

"I know how to handle myself," I tell him.

"I know, I know. But I just don't want anything to happen to you or the baby. He's my father, and I love him, but I certainly don't trust the man."

"Yeah, I don't exactly trust him either, but I have to at least be nice when he speaks to me."

He nods, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."

One thing that I quickly realised when getting involved with Jones is that his family cannot be trusted. They're all manipulative and carry a lot of secrets around with them. His brother Julian is a dickhead, and his father is a straight-up madman.

I really do despise men.

"How's your brother?" I then decide to ask him, as I kind of want the gossip.

"Which one? I have a few of them."

"Julian."

"You mean, you want to know if my dad still has him locked up, banging his head against the wall, crying that he's heart will never mend?" He reminds me of what happened.

"And?"

He nods, "He's doing a little better, but he's still fucked up after that girl got out."

I instantly feel an uneasy feeling when he mentions her. It brings back a lot of bad memories from my past, ones that I'm trying hard to move past. But how am I supposed to move on when I'm living in fear of a person that shouldn't even exist?

"Do- do you think she's dead?" I ask anxiously.

"I don't know." He shakes his head slightly. "My father said that she has no hope out there on her own. He says that she has the mind of a young child. She doesn't have any survival skills, and her social skills are practically non-existent too."

He continues, "I mean, that's what you probably get being locked up, treated like you're some lab rat."

I take a moment to process it all before asking him another question. "So you don't think there's even a small chance that she still could be out there?"

"I don't know." He says, "And actually, I don't really care. Things have been so much better since she left. And maybe with time, my brother can actually move on. I told him that if he wants a relationship, then he needs to have a girl that isn't mentally insane. He's already fucked up enough himself."

"I guess you're right." I decide to agree with him despite thinking differently about the situation.

And then he decides to change the topic of our conversation to myself and Emily. "Anyway, how've things been at home, with Emily?"

I take a second to think about his question. Things haven't exactly been smooth sailing recently in our relationship, and we find ourselves engaging in small arguments very often nowadays. Truthfully, I hate fighting with her because it's not normal for us.

When we first started our relationship, Emily looked to me to be protected, and she respected me. Now, I feel like I'm just irritating to her.

"They've been okay, I guess." I tell him the truth: "I mean, she's so distant now, and I can't really figure out what's going on. She tells me that she loves and cares about me, but her actions never show it."

"She just seems so lost," I admit.

"What do you think's going on with her?"

"I- I don't know. Maybe she's just struggling at the moment. She's been stressing out about her medication, and she's always worrying about things. I just wish that she would talk to me though! It's like she just can't open up to me, not like she used to."

And because I'm clearly getting emotional, I feel Jones's hand on my thigh, and I can tell that he's trying to comfort me.

"Hey, it's all gonna be okay." He tries to reassure me but I'm having a hard time believing it at the moment.

"How can you be sure?" I ask him.

"I don't know; I just know." He says, "You just gotta trust me on this one."

"I don't know. I just have this bad feeling that something is just gonna implode."

And I can't help but stare into his eyes longingly as he says, "Well, if it does, I'll be here to pick up the pieces for you."