The Lost Memories

28. negative thoughts

Since it's now the baby shower tomorrow morning, I realised that I have to do something that I dread. I've already tipped out everything from my wardrobe onto the floor, and now our room looks like the aftermath of some kind of explosion.

I'm spiralling, I'm stressed, and thinking about even trying to fit into one of these dresses is only making things worse.

I'm not the same size four, petite girl that I was when I bought all of these clothes, and it hurts to admit that. And, because it bothers me so much, I find myself avoiding mirrors at all costs.

Emily then walks into the room, witnessing the mess that I've caused.

"Michelle... what the hell is all this?"

I sigh, "There's nothing I can wear for tomorrow! I'm fucked!"

"Did you really have to make this much mess?" She looks around in disbelief.

"I'm stressed, okay?" I admit, "I didn't want to do this in the first place, and now that I've started, I really wish that I'd cancelled this baby shower when I was going to."

"You don't mean that." She says, "Anyway, I'm sure that you'll find something in all of this destruction."

"I bet I won't."

And then she decides to irritate me further when she says, "Anyway, if you can't, then I'm sure I can ask my mom if you can borrow something of hers."

I look at her in disbelief. "Is that really supposed to make me feel better?!"

"Oh..." she realises.

I then find my way through all of the clothes before knocking into Emily as I make my way towards the mirror that we have in our room.

"I guess I'm gonna have to start trying all this stuff on or I'm gonna get nowhere."

She throws herself onto the bed, sitting on the edge as she smiles at me.

"I'll be here to give my opinion if you want." She offers.

I'd rather she wasn't here to observe my hideous body, but I'm realising that she has no plans to leave anytime soon. She has her laptop set up on the bed, a plate of food on the side, and it seems like she's set to stay for the night.

"Yeah, whatever." I say, letting her stay.

I then begin to take off my clothes, trying my hardest so that Emily doesn't see the bad angles of my body. I realise that she's not paying that much attention, though, and for the first time, I'm not that bothered by it.

I'd rather she doesn't see the cellulite on my legs, the extra fat that I've accumulated in certain places, or even the stretch marks that were bound to show up at some point during my pregnancy.

I wish I was like Emily. Because, despite everything, her body is still almost perfect.

I put on the first dress, instantly feeling disgusted by what I see in the mirror. I'm then unmotivated to even continue doing this.

"That looks good." I hear Emily's voice.

I shake my head. "No! No it doesn't!"

"What do you mean? It does!" She says, "I'd say you just wear that one."

I turn around, looking at her in disbelief. How can she want me to be seen looking this hideous?!

"Are you kidding?! How am I supposed to see your parents looking like this?!"

"Michelle... you look fine."

I start to point out everything that I hate about myself wearing this dress: "Em, you can literally see all of my extra fat! Plus, the zipper doesn't even go all the way up; I'm embarrassing! And, how the fuck am I supposed to show my legs? They're so swollen!"

I watch as she looks closer to try to see what I'm talking about.

She shrugs, "I think you look fine."

"H- how could you say that?! You must be blind to think that I look fine!"

She shakes her head. "I don't see the problem, honestly."

I then turn around to face the mirror as I say, "You know, pregnant women are meant to look really elegant and pretty. Me, on the other hand, I just look like I've gained too many extra pounds! I- I don't even look pregnant; I just look overweight!"

Emily then gets up off of the bed, and I know that she can see that I'm getting myself worked up. She walks directly over to me, putting her hands on my shoulders and looking into my eyes deeply. She starts to try to change my mind, but nothing will work.

"Michelle... you look fine." She makes eye contact with me, "You don't look overweight, you don't look like you've just gained too many pounds; you look pregnant... and extremely pretty."

I look at the floor. "You don't mean that."

"I do." She says, before taking her hands off of my shoulders. "Seriously, everything that you're saying is just your mind convincing you that. To me, and to everyone else, you look great."

We stand in silence for a few seconds and I take a moment to process the fact that Emily is actually complimenting me. It's been a while since she's done that. I then wonder if maybe we're having a moment here.

I then decide to lean in to kiss her, but she sees it coming and decides not to let it happen.

"Why don't I clean up all of this mess and you can take that dress off and we can see if there's something good on Netflix?" She dodges the kiss.

I sigh, feeling disappointed. "Y- yeah, sure. Sounds good."

"Good." She says, "Well, I better get started now or I'll be here all night."

She begins gathering my clothes whilst saying, "You know, next time you think you're going to talk negatively about yourself, please don't trash our bedroom first. It really makes things hard for me."

"Noted."

I then look at myself one last time as I pull down the zipper on my dress. I start to forget about my negative thoughts as Emily's behaviour takes over my mind.

Why would she not even want to kiss me? What the hell is going on?

"Ugh! This is going to take forever!" She complains, "We might be forgetting about watching anything on TV at this point."

"It's fine." I say, even though it isn't.