The Lost Memories

18. pushing everyone away

Sex is like a distraction for me. I have sex, and my problems disappear for some time, and it's sort of addicting. I think I like it as it's the only time that I'm not judged for my performance. Because, when I'm dancing, I feel the ultimate pressure to succeed.

"S- Sum- Summer!" I hear her voice as I suck on her clit.

I feel her legs tremble as my tongue works effortlessly over her sensitive spot. I hold onto her thighs tightly, and I find myself feeling suffocated by her body against my face. She doesn't even try to give me enough room to breathe.

Let's just say, I like when girls are willing to sit on my face– I should be grateful for it.

"Fuck, you really know how to get me off." I hear her say breathlessly as she climbs off of me.

"I mean, it would be weird if I didn't by now. We have been fucking for over a year..."

"Yeah, and you still won't make me your girlfriend." She says to me, and I can't decide if she's joking.

"Gabby, we've already talked about this." I shake my head.

"Stop. I don't want to hear the same speech again from you." She isn't pleased with me. "I get it; you're not ready to be in a relationship."

I sigh, "No, it's not that. I just don't want to make you my girlfriend... It doesn't feel right."

She sits up, a look of confusion written on her face. "Why?! I don't get it; you've never said this to me before."

"That's because I knew how you would react! I'm not stupid, Gab; I know that you want something serious with me. You have to see that I just don't want what you want."

I continue, "Anyway, it's not a big deal; you have Ryan."

"It's not a big deal!" She snaps at me, "How is it not a big fucking deal?! I don't know if you've forgotten, but he treated me like shit! He made me feel invisible, and you were the only person that fucking didn't! I started fucking around with you because it meant that I actually had someone that cared about me!"

Gabby came to me one day, mascaras dripping down her pretty face and a sad look in her eyes. She told me about her dickhead boyfriend and how he treated her, and somehow we just clicked. Unfortunately, I just didn't want a relationship with her. Sex is my only priority.

It was obvious to me that she wanted more despite being deeply locked inside the closet. I'm starting to think that these types of girls are just drawn to me.

"You're acting like you're in love with me or something." I scoff, rolling my eyes at the thought of that.

She pauses for a few seconds and I can tell that she's thinking of what to say.

"What if I am?" She surprises me with, "I mean, would that be such a bad thing?"

I can't help but laugh. "Uhm, yeah! I don't do love. Love is stupid."

"Oh my god, Summer!" She starts to act like a whiny child. "Why are you such a cunt?!"

"I'm a cunt?"

She nods, "Yeah! You treat girls like objects. You get them into your bed, and once you're done fucking with them, you dump them like a piece of garbage!"

The truth is that I'm scared of being in love. I feel love; I feel it all the time, but actually admitting it is terrifying. Because once I do that, then I'll be vulnerable, and I'll be able to get my heart broken. Because, at the end of the day, girls will always break my heart...

"Can you just shut up?" I try to show her that I'm not willing to listen to her lecturing me right now.

"You're unbelievable." She shakes her head, a look of disappointment on her face.

"Thanks." I pull out my phone from my pocket.

I scroll through my messages, hoping that Emily would've reached out to me. Unfortunately, she hasn't, and it only makes me feel lonelier. I really did like Emily. She's probably the only girl I've actually truly cared for, yet she's the only one that doesn't want me.

I have Gabriella and a few other flings, but no one compares to what Emily and I have. Because it's not just about sex with her; it's so much more, and I guess that kind of scares me a little.

"Anyway, can you pass me that?" I ask her, talking about the tin I keep all of my weed locked inside.

Her face displays just how irritated she is right now. "You're really gonna smoke weed right now?"

"Yeah. I mean, you can have some if you want. I've always said that everything here is yours too."

"This is fucking hilarious." She rests her head in her hands before looking back up at me. "You tell me that I'm no more than a quick fuck, and then you offer me a joint?! Are you actually insane?!"

I start to rummage through my supply, rolling weed inside a joint before grabbing my lighter. I don't bother to make eye contact with her. Actually, I find myself pretending that she's not even here. I really can't deal with crying in front of her right now ,despite that being what I'm desperate to do.

But I then notice her getting up off of my bed before saying, "You know, I should've listened to everyone when they warned me about you."

She continues, "They were right when they said that you were a heartless piece of shit!"

I realise that I need to fix this "Oh, come on, Gab. I just-."

"No, I don't want to hear any more of your bullshit!"

I notice that she's grabbing her jacket. "Where are you going?"

"Home... I need to be as far away from you as possible."

I attempt to get up off the bed to comfort her. "Don't be like th-."

"No! J- just leave me the fuck alone!" She raises her voice whilst heading towards my door. "Oh, and before you say that you'll call me later, just don't!"

I watch as slams my door, a deafening thud travelling throughout the house. And it takes me until I hear the back door close before I realise that she didn't deserve for me to treat her that way.

"For fuck sake." I say, quietly, slamming my head into my duvet in shame.

"Ugh!" I groan, "I'm such an asshole!"

Now I haven't just lost Emily; I've lost Gabby too. It seems like all I do is push the people I care about away. I could've tried to convince Emily to give me another chance, yet I let my attitude get in the way of that. Maybe I am too immature to deserve to be in a relationship.

I then decide to fuel my addiction by picking up my phone and dialling Emily's number. Unsurprisingly, it goes straight to voicemail. I'm sure she's too busy fucking Michelle to answer.

But, even though I'm such a mess, I decide to leave a message.

"Hey, can you call me back? I don't care if you're busy; we just really need to talk. Look, I know you don't want to talk about what happened between us, but I really miss spending time with you. Please, just- just call me as soon as you get this, okay."