The Lost Memories

16. bad memories

"Isn't she adorable, Em?" I ask Emily, who's sitting on a chair beside my hospital bed.

"Yeah, she is." is all I hear from her.

Today is my scheduled check-up, and I'm always so excited to get to see the baby again. I also love hearing her little heartbeat, as it makes me feel so warm and loved. It's crazy to think that I'm actually growing a human inside of me. I honestly don't know what I did to deserve it.

"Oh my god, look at her toes!" I find myself admiring the little things.

"Does she have all ten?" I decide to ask the doctor, as I worry a lot.

"I'm sure she does." She giggles in response to my question.

"And fingers? She has all of them?"

Another laugh leaves her mouth. "She definitely does."

I reach out to grab Emily's hand, wanting to feel her support as this is such a big deal to me. I grip her hand tightly, squeezing it slightly in hopes of grabbing her attention.

"Isn't this the most beautiful thing?" I turn my head to look at Emily.

But the only thing she can say to me is "Oh, uhm, uh-huh."

What the fuck is wrong with her?

I try to ignore it, but it's all that I can think about. She's seemed distracted all day, and when we arrived at the hospital, I couldn't help but notice that her mind seemed elsewhere. I know that hospitals bring back some dark memories for her, but it's not fair to act this way on such an important day.

I decide to turn my attention back onto my baby. "And she's definitely a she, right?"

"She's definitely, definitely a she!"

"Like one hundred percent?" I get carried away. "There's no way you could've missed something?"

"Michelle, your baby is probably the only one that hasn't made it hard for me to tell." She talks about the fact she wasn't shy when letting us have a peek. "I definitely haven't missed anything."

I look down at my stomach, thinking about how there's a tiny little human in there that's going to rely on me.

"And does she look okay? I mean, is she healthy? There's nothing wrong with her right?"

The doctor shakes her head as she takes another look at the ultrasound. "No, everything seems okay from what I can see."

"Phew, I'm so relieved to hear that!" I rest my head against the bed. "I couldn't sleep last night; I was worrying so much!"

"That's normal for first-time mothers." She reassures me, "You could try to find some ways to help you relax. Are you quite active?"

"I run sometimes." I tell her, "But not recently. I mean, I find it hard getting out of bed these days, so running would feel like a nightmare."

"You should try to do more exercise to help your brain focus on other things."

"I'll try."

I look over at Em once again. She's staring at the wall with a blank look on her face, her fingers relentlessly picking away at the dry skin on her hands. I roll my eyes immediately, not impressed with her behaviour. I don't know why she can't just be happy for me.

And then I hear the doctor say, "I'm just going to collect some photos for you to take home."

"Thanks." I smile, trying to put Emily out of my mind.

After the photographs are ready, Emily and I both make our way out of the hospital. She still won't talk to me though, and I find it infuriating. And because I've had enough, I decide to do something that'll instantly grab her attention.

I begin to light up a cigarette, and I watch as Emily's eyes widen in shock.

"What- what the hell do you think you're doing?!"She asks me, not believing the sight in front of her.

"What does it look like?" I pretend that I'm being careless. "I'm allowed to smoke, aren't I? I mean, if you don't care about the baby, then why should I?"

She's clearly embarrassed. "We're outside a hospital, Michelle. People are gonna talk. Y- you shouldn't be smoking!"

"But why?"

"Because you're pregnant, Michelle! This isn't right!" She raises her voice, a look of panic not leaving her face.

I decide to talk to her about the way she was acting during my appointment because if I don't bring it up, it'll just seem like it was okay. I've always been there for her through difficult times, and now that I'm pregnant, she should want to support me.

"Em, what the hell is wrong with you today?" I decide to just get it over with, "First, you sleep past your alarm, and then you proceed to act like you couldn't give a shit the entire day! This is such an important time for me, and the least you could do is pretend like you actually give a fuck!"

"I do care! I really, really do!" She admits to me, trying her best to convince me, "It's just that it's hard for me to enjoy this baby when I don't have my own children..."

"Plus, hospitals just bring back a lot of memories that I've hidden away for a long time." She admits, "I hope you're able to understand that."

I can tell that she's being honest with me. Truthfully, I did expect that this was the case anyway. I just wish that she would be more open with me about these things.

"I'm sorry, Em. I do understand. You know I do."I tell her whilst putting the cigarette out with my foot, confirming that I won't be smoking it 

And then I say, "But from now on, can you just talk to me about this sort of stuff? I honestly thought that I'd done something wrong."

"No, you haven't." She shakes her head. "You couldn't."

I walk closer to her, pushing a blonde lock behind her ear, before whispering "I know. I'm perfect." 

She smiles weakly before looking around to find our car. It's obvious that she wants to be as far away from here as possible. I don't blame her though; hospitals sort of give me the creeps too. I don't think she remembers clearly that I also experienced what she did...

"Anyway, can we go now?" She asks me "Even just being outside makes me uncomfortable."

"Emily's uncomfortable?" I decide to joke around, "The same Emily that stayed overnight when Piper was here?"

"Stop! I was desperate! I needed to make sure she was okay!"

"I'm kidding!" I wrap my arm around her.

"Let's go to the car." I say, seeing the relief on her face instantly, "Plus, I wanna show you these photos since you were so distracted at the appointment."