Forbidden Love

Chapter 29

Becky is sitting on her therapist couch, playing with a folded piece of paper in her hands. She keeps her eyes on the paper, not looking at Charlotte, her therapist. That doesn’t help her though, because Charlotte still tries to get her to talk.

“How are you today?”

“I’m...I’m okay. I mean, if I don’t stop to think about it - him - I feel...fine.” She says hesitantly, still keeping her gaze down on the paper.

“Are you still bringing that paper everywhere you go?” Charlotte asks.

Becky takes a few moments to answer; she knows that there’s no point in lying. She stopped trying to do that a long time ago during her sessions.

“Yes.” Her voice is low and sad.

“You know, you could try to stop holding on to that. Put it in your nightstand, keep it somewhere safe. You’ll still have it, just not on you all the time.”

“I know. It’s just...” Becky pauses, feeling a sudden lump in her throat. She hasn’t cried in a while now, but she certainly can’t do it now. “I just feel...like I will forget him if I don’t keep it with me.”

“But you won’t forget him. It will just help you to move on. And moving on it’s not something you should feel guilty about.” Charlotte says gently.

“I just don’t think it’s right to move on.”

Becky's fingers hold tightly on the paper. It’s actually really wrinkled, Charlotte notices. Becky must have thought to rip it and throw it away many times in her moments of anger, but she never really could.

“He would want you to. You’re still alive, Becky. Freen is still alive. Your brother and your friends are still alive. You’re not supposed to feel like you have to stop living because he’s not here anymore.”

“He was my friend. I...I loved him. We understood each other. He was kind. And funny. And awkward,” She scoffs a laugh, “and he was always there for me.”

At that point, she starts crying, unable to keep herself from breaking every time the same question came bumping in her head. “Why couldn’t I be there for him?” She sniffles, “Why couldn’t I save him?”

“You know it’s not your fault.”

“Still, he should be here. Somehow this piece of paper it’s the only thing that makes me really feel like he’s still here. But then I look around, and he’s not. Then what am I supposed to do with it? These are his wishes, not mine.”

“You could do those things for him. Have you thought about it?”

Becky lowers her gaze again and exhales deeply.

She has thought about it. She just can’t bring herself to do them by herself. William wrote these down for himself and not for her. It's his wishes. Whose stupid idea was it to tell him to write these down? If not he wouldn't have given it to her and she wouldn't have to keep holding onto it.

Even if she didn't lose the love of her life that day she still lost her best friend. No matter how hard she tried, a part of her can't move past it. Even though it was Freen who got shot, it was Becky who was still stuck in that trauma.

************************************

Freen has been walking most of the day around the hospital with a crew of cameras and new interns visiting the hospital and documenting the myth that had become Bangkok General.

Not really the publicity the hospital needed, surely that wasn’t going to bring more patients, but hopefully the changes that were being made could be of use.