It Doesn't Even Matter

Always have, always will

I stop talking, looking at Oliver it's clear I've made a mistake. I watch him whimper pulling his feet up to his chest in the compact area between the wheel and him. Shoving himself into the space he's clearly too big for. Pressing his head into his knees tight, crying silently to himself. I'm not sure what to do. I was hoping my statement would bring him some peace. I should have seen it before, he wasn't ready for all of this. Oliver couldn't handle it, we were at completely different stages of our grief and I'd neglected that until now, that's abundantly clear to me in this moment. I've pushed him and it wasn't fair of me to do that. I watch his body shake next to me and am still at a loss for how I should be comforting him or what might just push him even further over the edge. But I have to do something to fix this.

I think back to a different day I had to try to comfort him and I can't remember what I did then. He'd stormed into my mom's apartment beat to shit and crying. His mom was working a double again. Blood still falling from his wounds, refusing to tell either of us what happened until finally he let out that he had to jump out of a moving car. He could have died that day.

My mom just got up and left after that. I don't know what she was thinking. Maybe she thought he wouldn't talk about it with her in the room or maybe she just thought she shouldn't get involved in whatever was going on. Both ideas enrage me, she was the adult. She was always the adult. Stop, focus on Oliver, what happened next? What did I do then to help him? Nothing. I wince at the thought.

Oliver left after that too, he wouldn't tell me- fuck no that not right. He had started to and, the memory gets clearer. I hadn't thought anything of it until now and there's a chance it's nothing only this didn't feel like nothing. Lincoln had walked in. Lincoln had walked into our apartment and that's when he left. Now I might seriously hurl. Stop, not now, I have to be here for him now. "Oliver... It's ok. We can leave, you don't have to say anything." My comment doesn't really make any sense because he definitely can't drive like this. Now look who's avoiding, he hasn't even said he needs or wants to leave. I just don't know if I'm ready to hear what he has to say myself anymore. "Oliver I'm here for you if-"

"I'm so sorry," his words come off loud and abrasive even with his face still fully buried in his knees. "I'm so, so, so sorry man." He gasps out the words just trying to breathe them into the air at all.

"Hey," I place my hand on his knee and pull him out of himself forcing him into my chest instead. "He forgives you ok. He didn't blame you for the place we all ended up, he wanted you to go be free of all of this and start again. He never even blamed you to begin with ok." I say desperately trying to get him to believe the truth. Even still he just keeps sobbing now horrendously loud broken cries into me. My words having no effect. "There was nothing there to forgive anyway, ok. He didn't see it that way. You're forgiven alright, it was never your fault and he never saw it that way. I never saw it that way. We both forgive you ok?"

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."

"It's ok. You-"

"I just got so messed up after my dad died and he seemed, I mean he took an interest in me like no one- things just- I can't- I mean-," he trips over his words leaving them not fully understandable throughout his cries. "and-" he tries to pull away again to hide himself in his legs only I grip onto him tighter. "that's no excuse for any of it and I'm so fucking sorry man, I'm- I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so, I'm so, I'm-" I watch him hardly taking in air, his whole body trembling and I know what's happening immediately. He's starting to have a panic attack.

"Hey, it's ok, just breathe with me ok? It's ok. We both forgive you alright."

"Max I'm, I'm-"

"It's ok, I've got you. Follow my breathing ok? Here." I pull on one of his balled up hands and make him press it to my chest so he can feel my breathing and my heart rate. "Feel what I'm doing and do as I say alright. Deep breath in." He ignores me and keeps dry heaving attempted apologies like I haven't said a word. I'm sure at this point he has pushed himself back deep into his own mind, his own hell. This wasn't good. "No Oliver please, take a deep breath for me." I pull his face away from my body trying to get him to look me in the eyes. He tries to squirm away so I tighten my hold on his jaw forcing him to face me. Finally he stops moving, so I loosen my grip. "Follow me alright." he doesn't say anything plummeting back so his face is in my chest again still panicking instead of breathing. "Oliver you-" I feel him trying to take in a slower breath than he was a second ago and some of the weight in this car lightens. He was going to be ok, he wasn't going to pass out or start hurting himself like I did. He was going to be ok. "Ok, good, deep breath in, now again, follow me."