It Doesn't Even Matter

Dance detectives

"Nervous?" Oliver asks as we pull up in front of Brit's house to get her with Sofie. It's not really a question though because he knows the answer already. I'm terrified. I knew homecoming was a thing I just didn't realize how much of a "thing" thing it was. Not until Brit asked about a color scheme and I was letting Mark buy me a suit with mom asking for pictures.

"Petrified. Do you think it looks extra bad if I chicken out of pictures and just call her to come out?"

"Well considering you said her mom is the person you still have to win over the most, yeah I would say it would look pretty bad. Come on you can do it you just need to smile like you're actually happy." Sofie chastises me over the frantic look on my face.

"I am happy I just-" there's a rushed knock on the window and then Oliver's unlocking the car to a frantic Brit.

"Drive, DRIVE! Please just drive! I can't do another minute with my mom and grandma fussing over me." Everyone laughs and Oliver starts the car but something in me hurts a little irrationally. Did she not want pictures with me? No. I stop the thought as soon as I have it knowing it's not true and recognizing the unhealthy pattern of me being self-deprecating. Still, I would have sort of liked the normalcy that comes with the act of taking photos with the family, even if I was scared shitless. Normalcy is something I've been craving maybe my entire life, and now that fragments of it have finally started showing up I only want it even more. I want to just be. Be my age, have friends, laugh at jokes again, be happy. It's weird the way things have changed so much in less than a year. The way dinners with Mark and the twins feel less strained. The way mom stops to have long conversations with me and asks about my day. The way Oliver is back and I'm starting to feel like myself again. Like things matter, they're starting to matter. It's skyrocketed my nerves sure but the urge to experience the day-to-day is back and that's been pretty great so far.

"Really dodged a bullet there Max, pictures with her mom and grandma, oh man name a more intimidating combo." Oliver seems sure of himself in a way I haven't felt yet tonight. He has experience on his side and I'd imagine that's helping. There's also an easy eagerness to him I wish was as simple for me to have as it is for him. It's still there I just also have a deep pit in my stomach shadowing me with insecurity that only seems to be growing.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Don't worry we'll take gorgeous photos together at the dance with an actual trained photographer and not just my dad getting bossed around."

"I don't know it would have been sort of funny to watch your dad get bossed around." I try easing myself into the night with some humor, not sure if it really works through my tone.

"I'll let him know you think so." Brit smiles at me and my nerves fade a little. She is right here with me and that makes everything else suddenly feel so uncomplicated.

It's incredibly loud in here. I wasn't expecting such an extreme explosion of noise as soon as we entered and from looking around I immediately get the idea that talking to your date isn't exactly people's first priority anyway. "Do you want something to drink?" Oliver half yells over to Sofie who just nods. "Great I'll go get you something." He lingers after he says it and I quickly realize he's waiting for me to ask Brit the same thing.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Yeah, some punch would be great. Thanks." I follow Oliver through the crowd over to the table with food on it and wonder if this is the type of event we should be leaving them alone at.

"Do you think one of us should have stayed with them?"

"Dude, it's a school dance, relax a little. This is supposed to be fun." I smile at him and it wavers. I watch him try some of the punch he's putting in Sofie's cup and then his face does too. "Yeah, figured it would be, you can't give any of this to Brit."