It Doesn't Even Matter

Coloring book

We pull apart more and look back into each other's eyes not saying anything. Letting each other feel the emotions we both know we are feeling, it's comfort. Just knowing, not even guessing that she feels the same as me. I want to hold onto this moment as long as I can but reality crashes back into me hard when her uncle asks me if I have a ride home and then insists on giving me one when I say I don't. This was going to be bad.

It's quiet and uncomfortable in his car. I thought someone must have driven with him except when we got outside everyone piled into his wife's car and it became just the two of us. I shift in my seat trying to find something to say, an opener to an apology maybe. Some explanation of where I've been the last few years and how I've changed. Nothing comes out of my mouth, nothing in my head seems like the right way to jump into having this conversation. I need to have it, I need him to know that Brit will be fine with me. That I will keep her safe and never hurt her. I need him to know, I desperately need him to know that I'm different now. "I-" He glances over at me and everything I thought I'd say vanishes from my head. I shift again in my seat looking away from him and out the window, praying that this LA traffic storm we are in clears up quickly.

"How's your mom?"

"Oh." His question catches me so off guard my body tightens up. A familiar feeling to a familiar question from him. "Fine," I clear my throat shifting again, now obviously uncomfortable.

"That's good."

"Yeah, um she got engaged so that's why we moved." He doesn't reply for a moment finally sighing like this was to be expected and I hate it. Conversations from the past all come back to me now. Hey, so my mom got another boyfriend. Did you see that on the form you sent home for her to sign and some random man did instead? I hope that's ok, I can still go on this field trip right? Look I know you were expecting my mom last night at parent-teacher night and I'm sorry he showed up late, sort of drunk too, I get it. But he's a good guy! I just forgot to remind him, he showed didn't he! That's good right? Things are fine at home really, I've just been tired, I won't fall asleep in class again I swear. Shit, I'm going to sound like a stereo stuck on repeat. Even if it is the truth this time. "He's a really good guy, so it's been better."

"That's good."

"Ye-"

"And how are you?" My heart speeds up, racing away from me like it wants to find a way out of this car just as much as I do. It's frantic and panicky, I'm panicky, afraid whatever I say won't be enough. Knowing it won't be.

"Better, a lot better."

"I'm happy to hear that."

"Thanks, I really mean it, I'm not just saying it."

"You look better."

"Probably yeah the food's better here." I mean for it to lighten the mood and it doesn't. "I just mean, yeah it's, I'm... I'm really sorry about everything. I know this is sort of a weird situation. But I just need you to know that I have changed and that I'd never-"

"Honestly Max, I'm just happy to see that you're still alive." I flinch at his comment wincing because that is actually the bar I had reached and a very realistic goal for myself a few years ago. Just stay alive, just keep going. I remember the mantra I used to chant to myself lying on our old faded brown couch trying to convince myself not to end it. Half in withdrawal, half out of it, half alive, half dead inside anyway.

"I know. I was in a really bad, no I mean that too but I was in a really dangerous place also. I know that. I wasn't good to myself or the people around me. I'm sorry for the way that I treated you. Things are different now though, I've worked hard to make sure they are and I work hard to make sure they stay that way. I'm clean and sober now, two years and counting. So this isn't an excuse and it's not really an explanation either, but I was messed up in the head back then. There was a lot going on that I wasn't good at talking about even though you offered. Things were bad in my head already and then-" I trail off, it's harder to mention him here, much harder. I think back to the last time I saw the man sitting next to me in this car, it was at what was meant to be my intervention, one that Lucas planned and never got to. "But I'm different now." He doesn't push for me to continue and I know it's only because he's waiting for me to add more.