It Doesn't Even Matter

Painting a new portrait

We dance for a long time. Dancing is loud and cramped but it's nice to have Brit so close to me and then to have her pull me even closer. She's pretty when she spins around or jumps so excited about a song that her hair falls into her eyes. She's always pretty. I like this feeling, this adrenaline that I haven't felt in so long. This thing that makes me feel like I'm not out of place, just exactly where I should be. This is it I think the high I was chasing that night she invited me to that party. It was her. The wave of feelings that churned in my stomach like adrenaline. It was always her, and now I have her right here in my arms dancing to a song I don't even know. Mouthing the words with all the carefreeness and warmth she always projected. The song ends and then she's pulling me off of the dance floor. "Let's go somewhere we can talk for a bit?"

"Yeah ok." My heart pounds helplessly in my ears as I follow her, thinking about earlier in the night and officially knowing that I'm ready to tell her that I love her.

The cold out here is such a sharp contrast from the sticky hot condensed feeling inside. This wall is slightly damp feeling too, not from any rain but from the condensation in the air. We sit on it anyway though, feet kicking in silence, holding one another's hands. "This has been fun. I've never been to a school dance before." Brit turns to me softly, looking far more shocked by my confession than I expected her to be.

"Really?"

"Yeah, no never really had the money for it before." I wish I had, it would have been nice to have gone with Lucas. The thought hits unexpectedly and I try to leave it where it is and focus on the now. To not let myself be pulled in by the past when I am so appreciative of the now and so in love with Brit. It's just us, and we patch all the cracks I thought I'd be walking on forever. Jumping across them like I did with him. Like I never thought I would again. I squeeze her hand feeling the kind warmth of the touch heating up my heart as well.

"Oh. I wish I knew I would have tried to make this more special somehow."

"Are you kidding me? You're wearing a dress for me and apparently you've never done that before. That's very special."

"Good, I'm glad it feels special. I just sort of felt like it, I don't know." She pauses resting her head on my shoulder and I'm reminded of all the time it's spent there over the last few months and how well it seems to fit. God I love her. "I didn't really give it that much thought until I was asking my mom to take me shopping for one and she like freaked out over it. Honesty I feel sort of bad about it because I'm her only daughter and I didn't know she felt like that until now... maybe like she's missing something."

"I don't think she feels that way. She really loves you you know. She totally cornered me coming back from the bathroom last time I was over to ask me a bunch of questions about you."

"Wait really, like what?"

"Hmm let's see, if you really care about my daughter what is her favorite color, yellow. What is her favorite food, sausage pizza. What's her favorite animal, a snow leopard." Brit grins at me her whole face having turned bright red from where she's resting looking up. "What's her-"

"Oh god Max I'm so sorry, that's so embarrassing. Super sweet but also mortifying." I watch her momentarily cover her face with her hands and shake her head. "I can't believe you remember all of that I don't even know when I mentioned my favorite animal to you."

"What, the basics? We started with those remember, way back when I was afraid of all of this, of course I know all that. You're important to me." I admit having been afraid out loud without thinking not actually feeling embarrassed by it now that I've said it. I was afraid but who cares now, it feels sort of silly looking back. I can't remember why I ever thought letting her in would hurt. She's so...wonderful. She's just wonderful.