Wait for You (wlw) (Bitter spin-off)

twenty

Mei's pov

I'd spent the whole summer convincing myself that maybe I wasn't a horrible person after all, just to end it even more convinced of it.

I couldn't deny I'd caught feelings for Vic after basically spending a whole month together, during which I'd felt happier than I had in a long time. I felt like time moved faster than usual when I was with her, and I could have listened to her talk for hours. Being with her just felt right.

But I also knew that I didn't want anything more than a friends with benefits situation, although I definitely gave her a different impression. I was so drawn to her that my selfishness had prevailed, and I didn't even try to refrain myself from giving her that impression. I should have been more clear about it, but I didn't want to hurt her and didn't even know if I would have been able to avoid physical contact with her afterwards, as I knew well that she wasn't keen on anything close to what I wanted.

So once I got back to New York, not only I was miserable because I had to leave my hometown and friends and life and soon start college again, but also because I felt too guilty about what I'd done to Vic to get through a day without thinking about her.

I missed her smile, her contagious laugh, the feeling of her lips on mine, the way she always gently rubbed my skin with her thumb when we were holding hands, her expression whenever she was attentively listening to something I was telling her, the fun we'd have when I taught her to skate, the enthusiasm in her voice whenever she talked about philosophy or art, and many other things.

But I had to go and ruin it all because of my fear of commitment and because I couldn't trust myself. If we'd ever started dating, I knew I would have just ruined it at some point. Although maybe I already had before it even started.

I wasn't too surprised when Ellie asked to meet up once she was back in New York too, we were going to have to see each other sooner or later anyway. And I obviously couldn't start avoiding her too since we were still going to take most of the same classes, but mostly because I didn't want to. I didn't want to lose my friendship with her because of my stubbornness.

But I also knew she was going to ask about Vic, so once I got to our usual coffee shop, I was mentally prepared to hear about her.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened with Vic?" she asked after a while of small talk.

"Do I have to?" I sighed.

"Not if you don't want to. I just wanted to know both sides of whatever's going on" she shrugged, taking a sip of her tea. I wanted to make a joke about her getting British drinking habits from her girlfriend, but maybe that wasn't the right moment.

"It's not as if we argued or anything... I'm just a horrible person"

"You're not. But Vic is pretty upset, and you seem upset too"

"You can kind of imagine what happened" I tried to shrug it off.

"Well, from Vic told me you started sleeping together again which escalated into getting more serious which escalated into you giving her mixed signals about it and getting scared and ignoring her"

"See? That makes me seem like a horrible person"

"So that actually happened?" she asked.

"I mean..." I said, a feeling of guilt and sadness creeping up on me. "I guess I didn't think of the consequences of leading her on until it was too late. And I didn't even do it on purpose, I didn't realize. I was selfish, I know"

"Why do you get so scared, though? If you both like each other, why not give it a try?"

"Because I'd end up getting scared and running away from her at some point anyway" I said, looking down at my coffee I didn't feel like drinking anymore. "I'd rather do this now than do something I'd regret later"