ACATALEPSY ➺ loki

31 , danger

Our game had gone on for at least an hour longer, the questions thankfully moving into less meaningful stuff as we progressed—meaning I didn't have to think as much with my answers, which was always a plus. I still did manage to learn quite a few interesting things about Loki through the game, and now we were at the last question. He seemed to be adamant on thinking of something important to ask me for it, and made me wait at least five minutes as he thought about it. Finally, Loki turned to look at me—an almost nervous look in his eyes as he started speaking. "Forgive me if I am prying too deep into your personal life with this one, and feel free to ask me to change the question if you feel uncomfortable answering it, but... it is no secret that you hold some sort of... well, secret, from all of us. And... I do understand that you would have told someone about it if it really posed any danger to your avengers, but if you don't mind me asking... I can't help but be a little curious as to what it is you have chosen to keep such a mystery."

I knew exactly what Loki was talking about, but... as much as my first instinct would have been to immediately say no to him even a few days before... I realised I didn't despise the idea of letting Loki know about my past, for some reason. "You'd be right in saying that it really doesn't concern the rest of the team at all, but I can tell you. All I ask is you don't tell anyone else unless I tell you to or something." I took in a deep breath, Loki's undivided attention on my suddenly making me very nervous. "Sometimes... mortals struggle with-with their health and stuff. I know you gods don't get ill and all, but thats not what I'm talking about. More... mental health wise. Humans get-they get sad sometimes. Maybe because of something upsetting that happened in their life, or somethings for no reason at all. That... thats what happened to me. I wasn't happy, with life in general. It wasn't like something traumatic had happened to me for me to start feeling that way, I just... I never fit in with people around me even when I was younger. I barely had a friend or two back home in London, and in the two years that I went to school here in new york, I had to shift them six times. I didn't make a single friend, and eventually my parents gave up after two years and pulled me out of school completely. That was when... that was when I was at my lowest, I'm pretty sure. I... I wouldn't see people in days, wouldn't leave my room unless my parents forced me to do that. I... I hated my life—really hated it. Thats when my parents got me my cat, Marley. He helped me a lot though some of the hardest days, but then just as I was starting to relearn how to live, he got hurt. We had to take him to the vet, and I was so worried about him I didn't even think twice before agreeing to go with my mum to take him. Now, in my world, everything went alright. The vet gave him some meds and he was fine, but I wasn't. When I got home that night... I-I tried to kill myself. My mum found me on my bedroom floor before I died. I... I got better, slowly. It's not like I still don't get sad some days—I don't think it ever really goes away completely, but... I'm happier a lot more days now. Anyway, I wasn't talking about that world. When I woke up in this universe... my parents seemed distraught to see me in my room, and it took me a while to figure out why, but... apparently that day that we had to take Marley to the vet, a lot of things went differently. He escaped from his carrier as we were taking him back home due to an avengers chase going on in that area, meaning when I got back home I was a lot more upset than I had been in my universe. Marley was found and brought back home safely the next morning, but I didn't know that. I tried to take my life, but... I was a lot more sure about what I was doing. I succeeded."

I could see the pain in Loki's eyes as he listened to my story, the way he was clenching his jaw. It made me look away, as sympathy from others was the last thing I ever wanted. "I'm very sorry. I... I didn't realise. I don't know what to say other than, I-I'm glad you're still here, at least."

I smiled softly, knowing that Loki would never understand how much those words really meant to me. "It's really not a big deal—okay, maybe it is. But... I don't like talking about it much, and... its a matter of the past. At least, I thought it was, until I got here. I wish I could help my parents here.... thats a huge reason why I'm so-so tentative to start looking for a way to go back to my world. On one hand, my parents back home have no idea where I am—Tony thought that there was a good chance that the me from this universe had ended up there with them, but... that was only because I hadn't told him about what really happened to her-me, I still don't know what to call who, but you understand what I'm saying. And then... on the other hand, I know that when I leave this universe, it will me the last time my parents here get to see their daughter. It's bloody horrible, Loki. I don't want to choose—I can't choose! And I... I have no idea what to do. I also don't know why I'm ranting to you about this—sorry." I couldn't explain how good it felt to have gotten all of that off of my chest, but I also couldn't explain why in the world I had chosen Loki out of all the people I could have gone to to talk to about it.