ACATALEPSY ➺ loki

37 , the aftermath

"NO!" Was the last strangled scream I heard tear out of Thor's throat before there was a blinding light all around us and I had to shield my eyes for a few seconds before I could open them again to what may have been one of the worst scenes I had ever laid sight on. "What have you done?" Thor went on in a voice barely above a whisper, but that could still be heard loud and clear in the midst of the absolute silence that had fallen on what felt like the whole of Wakanda for those few seconds. "What did you do?" But Thanos didn't answer, disappearing into some sort of portal seconds later leaving the rest of the group to just stand around in more silence... until the first bodies started dropping.

I had had the advantage, or, disadvantage, of having already watched this exact scene play out too many times to count, so I recovered the first out of everyone, a few seconds before Steve started questioning Thor on where Thanos had vanished to. I spotted Wanda first, who had followed the rest of the avengers into the forest area after our make believe fight, the woman stumbling closer to where Vision was now also standing, looking normal once again. "I'm sorry." Was all I could whisper to her before she fell back into dust, Vision calling out her name repeatedly in a way that broke my heart. Bucky was calling out for Steve, and I barely got to turn to the man in time to see him vanish. T'Challa was next. Then I heard Rocket crying out Groot's name from somewhere in the distance, and I knew he was gone as well. Quill. Sam. Mantis. Drax. I knew that we had lost Strange as well, even though he wasn't present for the battle. Same with Peter, though in his case I was glad he was hopefully with May when he left.

I knew that there would be Wakandan soldiers falling all around the battlefield, but there was one person who'd fate I in fact did not know. Someone who I realised was standing not far at all from where I was, looking directly at me. "Loki?" I called out in a shaky voice, practically sprinting over to the god as fast as I could, but I could tell that there was something wrong just from the look on his face. "Hey, hey, Loki, you're fine. Come on, you're okay. Please? You're not leaving. You can't leave me." I didn't even know what half the words were that left my lips in the next few moments. All I knew was that I was still there, clutching onto Loki's arm, and I could already see the first specs of dust start to form around his feet.

"I'm sorry, my lady, I don't think I can do that. But don't worry, I trust you." And with those last words, the god that I had grown so fond of over the past few weeks fell to the ground in a pile of ash, leaving me to crumple to the ground next to where he had been seconds later, no longer having anything to hold onto. Why did it have to have been him? Why was I still here, yet Loki gone? It wasn't fair. And why did I care so damn much about him? I had known there was a chance he would dust with the others—I had just lost almost half of the others as well, so why was I still on the ground, hardly able to breath at the thought of having just watching Loki die in front of my very own eyes? It was very clear that I cared about the man... a lot. But why was I feeling the way I was?

I didn't have time to think about it any longer as the rest of the team rushed up to where Thor was standing, still in shock. I tried to collect myself and get Loki out of my mind, but I couldn't help a few tears from streaking down my cheeks as the moment he had vanished replayed over and over and over in my head—and I realised I was unable to get it out of my mind, even as Natasha helped me up from the ground, asking if what had just happened was indeed the snap, but I didn't have it in me to reply as I took in my surroundings. I tried to remember how the movie had played out, even though I had kind of forgotten why any of this was even important anymore for some reason. Vision was still alive, good. Tony was on earth, we could get working on the time machine as soon as we got Scott out of the Quantum Realm, also good. I knew I had to snap out of it—we were going to get him back, we were going to save all of them. But I couldn't help the pain that had bloomed across my whole body at even the thought of having lost Loki. I thought for a split second that maybe I was going as well—maybe it was just a delayed reaction like Peter had had. But the longer I stood there, being basically held up by Natasha, the clearer it became that I had in fact survived the snap. All I was feeling was pain. And I hated it.