| | Indefinite Hiatus | |
I hope to return to this project someday, but it isn't feasible with my current health issues and life circumstances. I have to cut things from my workload so I can breathe. However, I still intend to complete my current li...
Source: Gardenia: A Review Shop by -Chrysalis_Realm Genre: Fantasy Subgenre: Mystery Mature: Y (moderate profanity, violence) LGBTQIAP+: N Status: Ongoing First impressions: 30/40 Digging deeper: 59/100 Final thoughts: Complete Note: Chapter 8 was the last available chapter as of the publishing of this review.
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First impressions: 30/40
Title: 10/10
Ooh, I love this title. It's very mysterious, and it definitely works with a fantasy story, too, since it conjures up thoughts of magic. Pun unintended, but I like it. 😉
Story description: 5/10
My first observation here is that the story excerpts break up the actual blurb, dulling its hook. I'm not a person who likes story excerpts in blurbs anyway, but normally, I'll see a single excerpt set apart in its own section. Here, you're doing a little blurb, then an excerpt, then a section diver, and repeat. But the blurb is how you sell the story to potential readers, not the excerpts. They want to know the who, what, when, where, why of the story, and you want to strike a balance of giving away enough to interest them while holding back enough to draw them into the story in search of the answers. So, I typed up your blurb without the excerpts so I could better see what you have to work with (here and elsewhere, I'm eliminating spaces between paragraphs and italicizing to keep examples distinct from my feedback):
This is the story of oblivion. Explore the enigmatic journey of a girl who radiates cheerfulness and excellence outwardly, yet with each passing moment, she quietly withers within. She's a diamond in the rough, but it's as if everyone's wielding hammers, ready to shatter her brilliance. Will the haven she finds in magic eventually become another source of betrayal? Could it instead lead her down a path of darkness and change her for the worse? Will someone like her alter her course, or will that someone walk alongside her? While everyone battles their own demons, what happens when someone embodies that demon itself? Tune in to find out!
Okay. So this is good. You've introduced your main character, although you haven't named her, but that's okay. While the plot and setting aren't clear, there's a general sense that everything revolves around her and magic, possibly in a scenario where she's learning how to use it. Your grammar is pretty solid, and the use of questions at the end of the blurb is a good way to get the reader wondering, thus prompting them to start reading. However, having too many questions dulls the effect, and detailed questions about specific events that occur later in the course of the story aren't helpful, because the reader doesn't even know the basics yet.
