City Lights & Country Hearts (SS #1)

Chapter 45: City Lights

Thank you for waiting, Love.
———

A week had passed since the confrontation and the last time I saw him. It's good that things were cleared up between us—a week of silence, of replaying every word, every glance, and every breath we exchanged.

That night we bid our goodbyes, naging magaan ang aking pakiramdam. He was able to explain his side, they're all valid. Pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang isipin na... Kaya naman namin, eh. Kaya naman namin na iraos ang aming relasyon sa kabila ng mga pangyayari. Yet, we missed a lot of opportunities to resolve things together, since both of us feared for each other's safety.

I should feel lighter—like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. But instead, it felt that every step that I take is heavier. There's a strange emptiness in knowing that after all these months, all the missed chances, we spoke our truths.

Hindi mawala sa aking isipan ang mga tanong: What if we fought harder? What if we opened up to each other? What if hindi kami pinangunahan ng takot? Naglalaro ang mga iyan sa aking isipan sa loob ng isang lingoo matapos ko siyang makausap. Maraming what if's, maraming we could/should have. Parang isang teleserye ang aking buhay, tang ina.

Isang lingoo man ang lumipas, ngunit parang kahapon lang. Paulit-ulit akong bumabalik sa eksenang p'wede naming baguhin, pero hindi namin nagawa. Dahilan para magtapos ang aming kabanata nang may paghihinayang.

But I guess this is a fate's way of forcing me to feel it all—the love, the pain, and the regret. We loved each other deeply, but we didn't know how to make each other whole. We tore ourselves apart trying to hold onto something that slipping through our fingers.

We both wanted it, we wanted us. But we were too caught up with our own fears, struggles, and assumptions that we'd hurt each other more along the way. He was afraid to be a burden for me, that by staying, he'd only add to the weight I was carrying. And me? I was too oblivious to not know that he also needed me.

It's quite ironic, how love can the thing that saves you and destroys you in the end.

Akala ko maililigtas ko si Tyson sa paraang alam ko. Akala ko mas magiging okay ang lahat para sa aming dalawa. I thought that if I'd just choose him, he'd choose us. But I realized that love isn't about saving someone... it's about fighting alongside them, and we... it scared us.

Tyson doesn't want to drag me down with him, to watch me give up everything that I worked hard for just to fix the broken pieces of his life.

Nakakagago lang isipin, na kaya naman naming ipaglaban pero napangunahan kami ng takot para sa isa't isa. Gano'n namin kamahal ang isa't isa that we ended up letting go to not hurt each other more.

That's the saddest part... we let go not because we didn't love each other but because we loved each other too much. We loved each other so much that we couldn't bear the thought of being each other's burden and of being the cause of each other's pain.

"Lucian..." My eyes drifted from the cup that I had been staring at to the person I am expecting to come.

"Mama."

She stood in front of me, her expression's soft and loving. Umupo siya sa bakanteng upuan across me. I watched as she placed her bag in a quiet manner, nakita kong nanginginig ang kaniyang kamay. She seems excited upon seeing me after five months.

"Anak, kamusta ka?" She started, her voice's soft, as if she could soothe the situation. Her eyes tells me how much she missed me. I felt a tug in my heart upon seeing her today and hearing her voice, but...

Gusto kong maging klaro na ang lahat, once and for all. It has been a long time coming, but I have to let go of everything that's keeping me to move forward.