Clean

swan lake

❀ ʚɞ Adeline ʚɞ ❀

"Bet you wish you never even met me"

May 20, 2005

It was performance day. The day I'd spent countless hours preparing for and several nights losing sleep over.

Grace was taking selfies in the mirror of the dressing room, presumably to send to my brother, while I nervously stretched in the middle of the room.

I had each step of my routine rehearsed to perfection. The steps would tumble out of me in perfect precision, each point of my toe and stretch of my leg was flawless. I had no reason to be nervous but I was.

It was a right of passage. No matter how well I knew the steps, the same flutter in my chest and twist of my stomach were bound to happen. I knew there would be scouts in the audience, writing down names on their clipboards for future reference. And I knew my name would be one of them.

It wasn't conceited, it was a fact. I poured my heart and soul into every performance. I spent hours rehearsing, studying and perfecting every step and facial expression. That was what separated me from the other girls—my dedication.

Ballet wasn't just a secondary school pastime, it was my future. Since before I had concrete memories my passion had been ballet. The second I put on my slippers I was transformed. I was made to dance, a part of me was sure it was my purpose.

I'd fought for every solo and every leading role I'd been given. My dedication was palpable, my skill was proof of that. My older brothers were both dedicated to their sports in the same way I was dedicated to mine. The only difference was they were taken seriously. To most people ballet was just an extracurricular activity for young girls. But it was my career, my purpose and my sole reason for breathing.

"I look fucking amazing," Grace squealed, admiring her makeup that had just been done.

"Yes you do," I laughed, my eyes trailing to the door when a familiar blonde walked past.

My heart slammed against my ribs and my body begged me to chase after him.

Let him go.

My conscious was as screaming at me to stay put, to focus on stretching. But my heart was screaming the opposite. I stood up and headed straight for the door, my heart pulling me towards Gerard.

"I'm..." I cleared my throat, "I need some air."

"Do you want me to come with?" Grace offered, "I know you get super nervous, babe."

"No, it's grand," I pushed a smile onto my face. "I'll only be a minute."

Leaving my sanity in the room, I stepped into the hallway. I was still in my sweats with only a leotard on top and for some reason I felt completely exposed. Maybe because I knew my heart was on my sleeve for this boy.

"Hi," I called out, and he immediately froze.

I knew he knew it was me. I was sure he could pick me out of a crowd based solely on the scent of my perfume, that's how engraved we were in each other's souls.

He turned around, his eyes meeting mine and my heart catching in my throat.

"I miss you. I miss us." The confession flew out of my mouth like the air I was breathing. It was so true. It was all I could think about.