Both things feel horrible in their distinctive ways. But overthinking of whether or not I'll fail by doing either of them isn't the solution...
—
I think, I'm reflecting on it now because of the words, "you must be aware of your next love".
Those words have me thinking, because, I have a strong feeling Matias will be the next love. And every time I have a feeling like that it's almost always right. But I shouldn't rely on what I feel. I should rely on my gut. Thing is that both my gut and feelings point in the same direction...
And I find it weird because... it didn't come out of me, like, I didn't get this idea. His best friend put the idea onto my head. Like, the more he talked about him, the more I liked him. I started building a mix of respect, envy, and annoyance at the same time. And then I wanted to know more and so on. Some days, part of me was like, "no this guy is not for me", and in others I was like, "but if this and this improve, this could work". And even I was aware of both of our own immaturity. Like, I knew of our differences in thought, but I thought, even if our minds don't work the same way or we don't think the same, we agree on the fundamental things. And some of his views are things I learn, and my views are things he could learn too. So I thought, as long as there's a mutual exchange it could work.
Point is, I didn't even want this. Nor even thought of it until a couple years ago. Like, we grew up together right? We grew in the same congregation. We went out on service together a couple times, we spent time together with all the other young ones. I got to know him when we were younger just a little. His family. I had a little crush on him at 16 but it went away fast... and I didn't think of him ever again. We went our own ways.
And then, out of nowhere, his best friend talks about him, and I get interested. And I pray to Jehovah to get to know him and he grants it, cause we spend 2022 going out on service a couple times or going to coffees after, and I observe him closer. Or his parents tell me things of him or my own parents tell me, "you should date someone like Matias".
But when I take the idea seriously, months later, they say: "we put him as an example, we didn't mean literally him". So I do my best not to idealize, because I tend to fantasize about people and it's immature and unrealistic, so I stop...
And then more coincidences happen at work, and then the market, but that one wasn't a coincidence because I evidently found him and fixed my face before talking to him... and then at the sisters place when I massage from his hand to his neck... And after when we had another conversation, he stepped out of the movie theatre to respond to my text... like, he could of waited but didn't because he wanted to know what I was gonna say. And he smiled a lot... Sigh... it's stupid because, I read into the conversations or in person situations, but at the same time they're obvious. It's not that he loves me, he may not even have a crush on me, but I do know he likes me, or respects me. And even I prayed to Jehovah before talking to him and he said "thank you" like 3 or 4 times for texting him. Like, that was Jehovah's way of calming me down and telling me I didn't mess up for texting him. On the contrary he was thankful that I did. So now, in this exact moment I'm confused and curious at the same time, wondering if all this thinking and writing will be worth it in the future. If the random thoughts I get, that he could be my next love and possibly the person I end up with, are wrong, and that I shouldn't keep my hopes up in case it doesn't work, or, that he is indeed the person I'll fall in love with next, and that I'll marry, and that Jehovah is just waiting for the right moment to join us, and he doesn't want me to give the idea up???
I'm I crazy, right, or right and wrong?
