Especially you

Baby are you okay?

Chapter 66. "Baby are you okay?"
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Kinda a deep chapter today, Red is going back to what she was experiencing in the beginning of the book
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Reds pov

I really didn't know where this feeling of loneliness came from, I literally had the best girlfriend in the world, new friends. But I was still fighting the feeling of loneliness.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that everybody hated me, that not a single person could ever love me. But I tried my best to always push that feeling away, especially now when I was in college, and made actual relationships.

In the past, I didn't even have friends like this. I felt like I couldn't keep them. I felt like some of that stuff were still there, in the back of my mind, gnawing in my stomach. How could anyone possibly like me?

I felt like I always messed up, that I was in the way. That I said something wired and people would hate me for it. That I had such a big mouth and couldn't keep a secret.

Right now I felt like I was betraying both Gabby and Zack by telling Chloe about their thing. Sure, she'd not tell anyone, but I felt like I was fifteen years old again. With no friends, cause I couldn't keep them.

I had so many thoughts, always circling around in my head. It drove me crazy.

The only time I had a peace of mind was when I was with Chloe, she was my comfort. But what if I lost her like I recently did? What if I mess up again, causing us to loose our relationship?

This feeling made me mad, it made my throat hurt from anxiety. I put my walls up, and acted rude when all I wanted was to be loved. But I couldn't form the words. I was just feeling... Well anger. Why did I turn out this way?

Look at literally any other person, they're normal! They don't think about the stuff I think about, daily. They don't worry as much. They have great families, with a dad that's present. They don't overthink every interaction. They don't act like a total bitch because they couldn't handle their anxiety.

I had to say, it had been a lot better since I started school. But the feeling was still there. I just shoved it down.

But I couldn't anymore.

- Baby are you okay? Chloe asked, snapping me back into reality.

- Yes, I muttered, not being able to let her in. I was to mad, too mad at myself.

We sat in the school library, studying. I didn't think the Gabby situation would make me feel this way, but it did.

I tried to look down at my computer in front of me with the homework on the screen, but all I could see was blur. It irritated me even more.

I looked over at Chloe who sat disturbingly cute in front of me, with her nose in a book. She wrote down all the things she read to remember it. She fought hard for her grades, not letting anything stop her.

And here I sat, overthinking to the point it made me nauseous.

Every single day since the breakup I had a panic attack, some lighter and some that drained me completely. I felt like I was loosing my mind. And I didn't feel like reaching out for help, I couldn't find the right thing to say. Not even to Chloe.

I just felt anger.

I saw Chloe in the corner of my eye, taking off her headphones and giving me a worried look.

- Baby are you sure you're okay? She asked again, this time a little more concerned.

- I said I was fine! I snapped, and instantly regretted it. But I was just so tired of feeling this way. This kind of pain.

Chloe looked shocked at me, but swallowed the next words and looked down at her book again.

I felt my stomach drop, I was really hurting her by acting like this.

Just a few moments later she glanced up at me again, staring for a few seconds before she spoke up.
- Are you hungry? We can swing by the cafeteria and grab a sandwich?

The questions lingered in the air, her eyes never leaving mine. That concern in her voice, leaving a mark, making me feel almost more anxious.

- No, but you can go if you're hungry... I simply muttered before looking down, pretending to read something off the computer.

I felt her eyes on me the entire time, she didn't know what to say, or what to do.

I spotted Zack from across the room, making his way over. It made my heart race a little, feeling the panic creeping up on me.

Chloe handled the whole "acting innocent" much better than me. I couldn't handle it. Especially when Ryan walked in shortly after, also sitting down.

I tried to ignore it, and just focus on my homework but I had a hard time breathing.

I was so scared of Zack finding out, and being mad at me for telling Chloe. Or that Ryan found out, and it would all be my fault. He'd never trust me again. Gabby neither, she would make my life a living hell.

But most of all, I'd loose my relationship with Zack. And I couldn't afford it.

- Sorry guys I'm- eh- I'm gonna- go! I stammered, having a hard time breathing. I stood up and collected my things. All three of them looked at me confused.

- You okay bestie? Zack asked, looking at me with worry in his eyes.

- I'm fine! Just need to- Eh- go- now! I panicked, as I rushed out.

I had a panic attack yet again. I needed to stop the overthinking or I'd never get rid of this.

I flew inside the door of the dorm, feeling like everything I saw was unnatural. Like it wasn't reality. What was even reality?

I stumbled across the room, feeling dizzy. I flew down on the bed, Flyfly rushing over to my side to see what was wrong.

My hands were shaking as I petted her fur a little, making my heart slow down bit by bit. Flyfly had some type of superpowers, she couldn't even talk but yet she always found a way to calm me down.

She curled into a ball and laid down beside me, close to my chest so she could feel the warmth of my body radiating towards her.

I took a deep breath before closing my eyes, trying to shut the world out for a moment.

All of the sudden I was asleep, not even realizing that Chloe walked in and laid down behind me, holding me tightly in her arms. Flyfly didn't move positions either, and all three of us drifted off into a deep sleep.

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Poor Red

Can you relate to what she's feeling? I definitely can!

I hate overthinking.