A year on Venus

51: Feelings

Adams's POV

We had a little breakdown with Jasmine. And even though she said she wanted to make things right, I felt like it was my responsibility to actually make things right. I just wanted her to be happy. She'd helped me in so many aspects. I no longer miss my prayers, and it's as result of competing with her when it comes to that. Ever since the day she said she never misses her prayers and asked me to pray even once consistently, I knew I had to work. Just that these days a lot been going on with her, because she always appeared to be going through a lot. I hate that she wasn't opening up about it. And I can't force her to, either. It doesn't feel right! I have to give her some privacy. But I just wanted something to get her mind free of things.

So I found myself pulling up by her house. I alighted the car and reached to her door. I rang the bell. And few minutes after she appeared.

"Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah." I salamed. She kept smiling shyly at me. Her eyes looked red though. I wonder if she cried. But I don't think so. Maybe it's stress. I hope whatever it was, was allowing her to sleep at night.

"Waalaikumussalam warahmatullah ya Mufti Adams!" She teased.

"What's that?" I asked.

She just shrugged. "Something related to sheikh! A scholar. I don't know. People often say it."

"But i'm not that, if that's the meaning."

"One day. Inshaa Allah. And you have no idea how you're trying." She said with a shrug. Automatically my mouth stretched in to a smile. One of the good reasons I like Jasmine. Always encouraging! That's a good trait to have!

"Alright those clothes doesn't look great though." I said pointing to what she was wearing with my pointing finger.

"You can't be picky even with people's looks. I'm not changing anything. If you don't like it leave me here!" She said as she finally got out of the house, closing the door behind her.

"And look at the girl wanting to make things better." I teased.

"Whatever!" She said with a smile as she tried damping her hands on her gown.

"Look I forgot a sweater. Gotta go back grab one!" She quickly said and turned towards the door.

"No, please! I promise to turn on heater for you in the car, even if that means killing myself." It's funny how little amount of cold Jasmine would be acting like it's the world coldest day on earth, she claimed Africa is so much warm and the right place to be. Well, i've never been there. So i won't know.

As crazy as she looked, or rather as weird as she looked I can't afford going around with her in a sweater, she already looked super worst! And she wanted to add up a sweater! I don't know why she never cares about her dressing! Oh my lord! Even when tons of people wanted my fashion style, I still had to look for some help from my sister some times, being her in the fashion industry major, even now that I've moved out of the house and got my own apartment I still face time her up sometimes, but Jasmine, I doubt she ever look for help from anyone as far as dressing sense is concerned. I just pray she won't keep on doing this to herself. Surely dressing like a forty year old won't do her any good. When she reach forty what would she do? Start looking like a century old racked faced woman? Oh God! Or maybe it's because she's always feeling cold.  But I know she would adjust to the weather here pretty soon.

"I got flowers for you." I finally said, as I handed her the roses I've been holding at the back of my hand.

"Awww! Thank you." She said as she inhaled the scent.

I wanted to ask why her eyes were so red, but I decided against that.

"Please tell me the truth, is it that my dressing looks awkward or you're just being you?" She said stressing on her last word.

I couldn't believe what she just said. I used to believe if you dress up horribly you knew it yourself, till now! How can one have such a horrible taste in dress and never realised? But I would just play along.

I gathered up the best possible fake smile — that would atleast looked real— I got before saying, "guess I was just being me. You look pretty!"

I watched as she let out a sigh. "I knew it." She said heading to the car.

I could only gape at her and shook my head. Ya Allah she looked so horrible!

***
We arrived at our destination and i alighted the car, before going to open the door for Jasmine. The first thing she said after i held the door open for her was, "where's this place?"

I watched as she tried taking the view of the place. I found myself smiling at that. The place was quite dark.

"It's beautiful." She said, as she glanced at me and then turned back to looking round the place.

We finally got a seat, then the waiter there brought a hot chocolate for us each.

"How many pounds can I add from finishing it up?" She said as she was jiggling with her hands, as if being scared of touching the mug lest she ended up tasting it and not being able to stop.

"That doesn't even suit you. Please just finish it up," I voiced out laughing.

"If you say so." She shrugged and said out her bismillah before she started digging in her hot chocolate.

I didn't even touch mine yet. I was feeling nervous. I was only watching as she enjoyed hers.

She got some of it atop her pointed nose and it's quite funny. It made her look like a little cute Teddy with pointy-ball-brown nose.

She was about to take a spoonful of chocolate when I found myself kneeling on one knee. I brought my other hand I kept hiding in my back and smiled widely at her, before opening the box, and the diamond ring shone bright in the dark room.

With the aid of the light from the ring I saw her expression fell. And she put the spoon back in the chocolate mug. She didn't have to voice anything out. I understood what was going on with her. Her mouth kept trembling as a lone tear cascaded down her face, it broke my heart to see her that way. It hurt me to see her crying, seeing her struggling over saying no. So I saved her the trouble, because that was the only way to make her pain go away!

It hurt me so bad to say it out. But I needed to. I had to. For Jasmine's sake.

"I was kidding. Just a mere joke! Just like how I read that later out to you in the beach!" I said before finally getting up, I watched as her face quickly brightened up and spliced in to a grin. Finally she looked happy.

She gently let out a chuckle, "please don't joke like that again!" She was still smiling as she cleared away her tears.

Something formed in my throat, I forcefully swallowed down saliva. My heart was afire! It pained so hard behind my ribcage. I wanted to scream out all the pain. But instead I forced out a smile. "Hey jasmine give me some minutes, I wanna make a call outside!" I finally said. She smiled back and nodded at me.

The moment I got out I kept whispering dua and taking deep breath and letting it out. My eyes were moisty, and I knew crying right now was the huge mistake I would ever make! So I settled on calling my sister instead. We talked for a while, she kept asking what was wrong with me, I refused to tell and finally she groaned before saying, "be lucky I ain't seeing your face expression right now, if not I would have long-since find out. Take care of yourself, whatever it is don't let it get to you too much, and when you're ready to talk about it, i'll be there!"

With a sad smile I finally shook my head before ending the call.

I knew I made the greatest mistake when I allowed myself to fall for Jasmine. I know we had few awesome moments together, and I ended up falling for her, and this was the thing I've been hoping to never happen. I've been hoping to be contented with just being friends. I never wanted more. But today I found myself that way. I know in order to forgive myself I have to promise myself to never talk to her about it again. If it's making her scared and sad, then I rather let her be! Some things are not meant to happen.