Dangerously Close (Aris x Reader)

32) Different

It was getting hot again. Just like that. The nightly weather had switched from its chills to uncomfortably warm. It always fluctuates like this for no damn reason.

I would usually spend this night alone, maybe reading or just staring at the tent until I fell asleep.

Tonight is different though. The mission that was supposed to be impossible, something I had wanted to do my entire life, was done. There was no purpose for me now. Everything had changed.

I should try and do something about that. I should try and acknowledge how different life was. I should join the others outside. Maybe socialize or just watch and celebrate life. Because life was finally worth celebrating. It's supposed to be.

I had worked myself up over it. Do I stay? Do I go? So I silently read and wait for the bruises to heal? Do I ignore them? Do I ignore humanity for a while?

I never ask questions like this. When I’m going to do something, I don't argue with myself. I don't have to encourage myself to do something so simple.

Have I ever had to do anything simple though? Anything that isn't for survival?

Happiness isn't a necessity, but I could have it anyways. Things can just be for leisure. I can just do things in my life because they're fun and worth doing. Because they’ll make me and people I care about happy. And I have people to care about. People who wouldn't insult me for not wanting to be on something or the things I’ve done. For being repulsed at the thought of all I am.

This is worth doing then? This would truly be facing my fears, even if it would hurt in more ways than one?

Stepping out of the tent, I glanced at the glowing fire. Taking a breath, I tried to calm my racing heart as I approached, the laughter and conversations merging into one and getting louder. It was intense, but it didn't have to be bad. It wasn't bad. The bad things already happened. This is good.

Making my way there, I stood in the very back, my eyes scanning the area. I searched for some free spot to sit. By that, I know I actually meant the spot with the least amount of people. It’s probably best not to dive head first. I barely even want to get wet in the first place.

I found it quickly. A little to my left and coincidentally (and thankfully) by the person who means the most.

I was still nervous but not as much. Not really.

Walking over, I didn't say a word as I sat between him and some rescued kid. I just nodded to acknowledge his existence before looking at the growing fire, telling myself it's okay.

It’s so different. Everyone just looked happy, content, complete. Nobody seemed ready to do something callous, and I could actually believe it if I actually tried to.

It's still weird. It's an adjustment, but I've always been able to adapt to anything. If I couldn't, I’d be dead.

I guess this is supposed to be something good to adapt to. People are agreeable, and nobody’s tried to stab me. Everyone seems calm, relaxed even.

“You're not gonna go be with Sonya and Harriet?”I quietly spoke, looking over at Aris.

“I was actually hoping you’d show up.”

“That was a pretty bold thing to assume I would.”

“You're here though, aren't you?”

“Yeah. It looks like it.”

“So why the change of heart then?”

“I don't know. I guess I just needed a change for once,”I shrugged.

“You mean for the first time.”

“For the first time, on my free will,”I corrected.

“Close enough.”

I found myself smiling as I talked to him, my mind seeming more at ease the longer I was with him. It does that a lot. I stopped questioning it a while ago.

“So I know you said not to-”
“No, no, no. I don't need any more books,”I said firmly.

“I like giving you things though. I found you a rock too.”

“A rock?”

“Mhm. A really nice one,”He promised.

“I’m sure it's great. Can you just wait up so I can get you something too?”

“Don't worry about it.”

“It just drives-”
“Why do your arms look like that?”

“What?”I asked quickly, snapping my head towards the stranger, his words seeming unreal. I had to have misheard. I just had to.

“Your arms are all freaky. Why do they look like that?”

“None of your damn business,”I glared, pressing them to my sides, despite the way it hurt the fresh injuries, as I turned my head back to the fire. Just like that, just like before, reality came crashing down. I’m still a freak, and I look all freaky, and nothing I do will ever matter. I'm always gonna be like this. Always.

“If you didn't want anyone to ask, why’d you wear a tank top?”

“Because half the world we live in is called the Scorch, dipshit.”

“You could still just wear a jacket or something.”

“And you can fuck off, you ungrateful little bitch,”I scowled, stepping over the log and leaving.

I hate everything. I hate it again. I hate people. I hate life. Everything fucking sucks. I did something I had wanted to do for almost my entire life, something selfless, something for others, and the burden of survival is still there.

I hate it here.