Dangerously Close (Aris x Reader)

87) Mama's Words

I don't know how my life ended up here. One day, I was stuck in the Scorch. I was murdering people and doing horrible things.

Now I’m here. I’m alive but surrounded by people that suck in a way I never experienced, I have a lover who's full of survivor's guilt, and I feel like just as I dodge a rock someone throws a boulder.

I do not want to go to work today. I don't want to pretend everything's fine when I could stand in the shower and think about questions I know the answer to. I don't want her to ask me anything, because then it’ll all come spilling out. I don't want to already be very aware I’m probably going to tell her the truth anyway.

She was alone when I came in, wiping down a bed to start the day. I stood there for a moment, watching her brunette hair that was getting longer and encouraging hands work.

After she finished, she looked up at me like she already knew I would be standing there.

“I see you're back,”she said simply, a soft smile on her face as she stood up.

Back doesn't seem like the right phrase. My head is somewhere else, anywhere else but here right now.

Without a word, I walked into her arms, standing there limply as she hugged me. She rubbed my back as I thought about whether to just die right then and there. Too much has happened this week, and it's not even over.

“You want to talk about it?”

“I got black out drunk for the first time,”I mumbled, closing my eyes as my face flooded with heat. She simply kept me in that safe hug, waiting for me to continue if I needed to. “I know I wasn't nice about it. I’m already a wreck and have way too many experiences, and there ain't no way I didn't do somethin’ bad.”

“Do you remember it?”

“No. Just wakin’ up to a bunch of people tryin’ to help.”

“Your friends?”she clarified.

“Yeah. Them.”

“Okay. Well, if your friends were all willing to be there when you woke up, it couldn't have done as much damage as you think,”she reasoned.

“Aris won’t tell me nothin’. I ask, and he just brushes past it like it's no big deal.”

“Maybe it's not.”

“I already know myself. I did somethin’ bad, and I can't even say sorry for it.”

“Well, he knows you already. Knows about what happened and why you are the way you are. If you did do something, it seems he already knows you weren't in your right mind. It's not something he thinks you need to beat yourself up over.”

I let out a groan at her answer that made too much sense for a person who was losing her mind more and more each day.

“I know, I know. Life is hard.”

“Aris ain't doin’ well either. I’m tryin’ to help, but,”I sighed, burying my head further in her shirt to escape reality.

“What happened?”

“Rachel died yesterday. It's why I didn't come in. It didn't feel right to make him grieve alone.”

“How’d that feel? Staying behind like that?”

“I don't know. Bad? Like, he’s just sufferin’, and I can't do nothin’ ‘bout it. I try, but ya’ can’t bring back the dead, and ya’ can't make someone stop missin’ ‘em.”

“So all you can do is be there for them then?”

“I tried. I just,”I trailed off, closing my eyes. She smells warm. She smells like medicine and water and comfort. She smells like nights I really missed and the future I didn't let myself hope for. She smells like she’d know what to do.

“I had to run this mornin’, Mama. I’m makin’ sure I’m still strong. I can't let myself go weak, I just can't,”I defended, finding it in me to hug her back.

“That's okay. It can be good for you as long you don't overdo it,”she assured me, gently running her thumb back and forth on my shoulder.

“He had a dream while I was gone. That I finally left for good. And there ain't much I can say to that. Can't promise it’ll never happen, can't say nothin’ will tear us apart, none of that. That's not true. He knows it, I know it, and it's really affectin’ him now. ‘Specially with her passin’,”I ranted, taking a deep breath as it was finally all out there. No more lying, no more deceiving, none of that. The last few days have really sucked, and that's the plain truth. That sometimes things just suck.

“I know that. And I know you don't want that to happen, I do. It's why we just have to treasure every moment with you here, even if it's something negative. Because everyone would much rather you be here while things are hard than not have you at all. Just like we’d rather not have you forever than not have you at all.”