Dangerously Close (Aris x Reader)

36) A New Life

I took as long of a shower as I could, avoiding looking down. I still remember what that was like after a kill. Blood would flow down the drain turning a light pink as it washed from my skin. Some of it was mine, most of it was others.

No matter how hard I scrubbed, how long I was there, how hot I made the water, the blood from my hands can never be erased. Even when steam rises off my flesh, I'll always be stained.

I don't want to do anything. I just want to do what I always do after and lay down on the ground, keeping out of the sun. No food, barely any water, only sleep that wasn't on purpose. I just want to bathe in the guilt and try not to think about how much I wish life was different.

It is. It's very different now. I don't have to worry about when the next time I'll eat or drink is. I don't have to constantly look over my shoulder, though that habit hasn't left me. There's someone that could just help if I was sick or hurt. I'm someone's grumpy black cat girlfriend. I found a pure hearted sunshine boyfriend who even knows my accent and brushes my hair when I can't.

What the fuck is going on? I just have clothes? I can do things for fun? I can go into a forest or beach without having to worry about being slaughtered? I can talk to basically anyone I want?

This has to be a dream. That's not my life. I'm supposed to be survival and instincts. Not leisure and love.

This is gonna make me vomit. It's too sweet. It's too much. It's nothing that I know, and I still have to make it work.

Turning the water off, I sighed as I grabbed my towel.

Mine.

Things are mine.

Things belong to me.

My things won't get stolen while I'm sleeping.

This is a lot. It's too much in too little time. It kind of makes me want to run away again. The safety. The peace. The joy.

There's nothing for me out there though. Even in the city, I'd be a breathing target. This is the only place that will actually keep me alive.

Quickly drying myself, I threw on my clothes before putting my hair in its usual ponytail, pocket knife and all. Even though it's a hell of a pain when it scrapes the bump, it seems to be the only thing to remind me that I'm me. That even though I stopped pretending to be heartless and apathetic, I'm still rough around the edges. I'm not like anyone here. My life and experiences are different from others.

I accept that. That's my price.

Walking out, I stared at the things around me. Things being set up, people talking, sounds of soft laughter. There's just so much happening. Too much.

And I have to deal with it anyway.

I can't explain it to anyone. Well, maybe to Aris, but even then, there isn't much that could be said to make the feeling better.

I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful for the opportunity to live a life without constant fear. I'm grateful to live a life where I have the chance to make friends and discover more of who I am. I'm grateful to have the necessities to live and so much more. I'm grateful to be here.

But I'm damaged. Really, really damaged in ways people don't relate to. My past will always haunt me. I'll always feel like a monster because of the things I've done. When I was on the run, there wasn't time to think too much into them. Not if I wanted to live.

"Hey, there you are."

Quickly turning around, I backed away a few feet, my hands reaching for my hair.