Dangerously Close (Aris x Reader)

72) Nameless's Judgement

Aris’s P.O.V

I was a jerk. I don't have to be told twice. She doesn't want to be alone. Not really. She's just terrible at dealing with her emotions sometimes.

And I don't want to leave her alone. Not really.

It's just . . . hard. I mean yeah. Being with her is all I’ve ever wanted. There's so much comfort and care and sweetness in being together. In loud laughter and watching her read and deep conversations and long hugs and gentle kisses and bright smiles and the combination of worlds.

But it's hard sometimes. It's scary and confusing and impossible to explain. She wants to handle everything by herself even when she can't, she pulls away when she's worried, she has nightmares that hurt so much to witness, I could wake up without her, she doesn't always read people the best, she worries so much about making up for a past she didn't have a choice over, and a lot more.

She's great. She really is my everything, but that doesn't change the fact that the Scorch and being an assassin impacted her in ways nobody here can relate to. Sure. You can sympathize with it. You can empathize with her. You can understand why she does the things she does and is the way she is if you listen.

But it feels so surface level sometimes. I want so badly to just take away all the terrible things that have ever happened and make her all better, but I can’t. Sometimes I just have to listen to her tell me how these awful things have ruined parts of life for her, and all I can do is ask to hold her or promise it's better now. And even then, one day it could just not be. And I feel so useless knowing that. Knowing she has all these scars that I can't erase. As the cherry on top, I’m still deeply afraid of being abandoned thanks to what I’ve gone through and fell in love with the one person here who wouldn't hesitate to leave out of necessity to save my life. It's a match made in hell.

But she's my heaven. She's my sun. She's my light. She's my stars. She's my everything.

Sonya and Harriet were kind enough to let me sleep on their floor. They gave me a big blanket and pillow and told me to get some rest (and that I have to talk to Y/N in the morning and figure this all out).

I can't sleep. I didn't expect to be able to. For one, I don't have anyone to cuddle. I can't wrap my arms around someone and bury my face in their back or neck or chest as I take in their body heat. I don't have anyone's hand to hold as our cat sleeps between us. I don't have anyone to run their hands through my hair and rub my back and trace my freckles. I don't have anyone to talk to and laugh with until I can't keep my eyes open.

What really pushed me over the edge though, is my mind racing as every bad scenario flashes through my head. Her crying herself to sleep. Her being angry about it all. Her having a nightmare and nobody to wake her up. Her leaving.

Finch, her leaving. She's so good at that and does it so quickly. By the time the sun’s up, she’ll be miles away, as good as unfindable.

Sitting up, I threw the blankets off as I crept out of their home as fast as possible. Going between canopies, I ignored the underlying feeling of something watching. It's probably just the fact that the image of her somewhere that isn't here won't go away. Not until I see her for myself. I have to see her for myself.

Slipping past another, I basically stumbled into our home, my heart beating out of my chest. Even as I saw her laying there, curled up in a ball, it didn't feel better. I just froze, staring at her like she would run off like a scared fawn at the slightest movement.

She's still a deer. Even if she doesn't run anymore, even if she's okay being seen, she’s always in fight or flight.

Slowly, cautious not to wake her, I walked over, looking over her. Nameless was there, cuddled in her arms. As she looked at me, I swear she was glaring. And it was sure as hell a strong one.

“Yeah. I know,”I promised, taking a seat beside her. With my presence offending her, she wiggled her way out of Y/N’s arms, going to the pillow. Spinning in a circle, when she was satisfied, she laid back down, closing her eyes.

Looking back at Y/N, I felt my chest ache at her tear stained face. Her cheeks were streaked as her nose was still red. Her entire face was puffy as her hair was a wreck.

“I’m sorry,”I whispered, grabbing only her hand. With her having had bruises already and now knowing where they're from (while also praying in some messed up way that there's no other reason for them), I didn't want to risk touching any. I don't want to hurt her more than she already is. Besides, it looks like I already did a great job at that.

“I love you. You're the most amazing person I've had the pleasure of meeting. You’re strong and caring and protective. You're so incredible, and I’m sorry anyone hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I just. . . I want you to feel better. You deserve to feel nothing but love and happiness. And you haven't been. I don't want you to save yourself again. I’ll save you, no matter what. But please? Please tell me what from?”I pleaded.

She didn't wake up. She was still laying there, softly breathing.

“I love you,”I whispered, leaning down to kiss her temple. She mumbled something incoherent before pulling her arms to her chest.

As slowly as possible, I got on the other side, having to keep my hands by her head for a second as I held my breath. Internally begging she wouldn't wake up, I moved behind her, falling on my back. Letting out a sigh, I looked over to see her still dead asleep and Nameless still judging me, shaking her head before going back to Y/N’s arms.

Great. The cat’s upset at me too.

Turning on my side, I lightly wrapped my arm around her before moving as close as I could without physically touching her. Seeing as she was still thankfully out, it was obvious she had been exhausted lately. Then again, I don't blame her.

“I’m sorry.”