second chances ~ ollie bearman (2)

part 80

angel's pov:

i walk out of the shower, changed into ollie's clothes again and see him still sat on the bed, so i decide to go and sit beside him.

"hey baby." he says, kissing the top of my head and putting his arm around me.

"hey." i reply, leaning into his touch.

"you know all i want to do is help you, right?"

"i know that ol, what have you done?" i ask nervously.

"nothing, nothing. i just... i don't think you understand the danger of what your doing to yourself." he says softly.

i didn't know what to say, how to reply. i shake my head, not knowing what ollie was about to say. and the truth was, i was scared. all i wanted to do, was become a bit prettier, loose weight, hopefully look better in the media. and all i knew is that i just need to keep going, and i would get there eventually.

"ang, you won't be able to have kids. i know you want too, i know how much you think about it. but if you keep going, if you keep doing this to yourself, you won't be able too."

it was like being hit by a truck, having kids one day was my biggest dream. little teddy and avery. i had to get better, for them. for my future. for ollie.

"i'm sorry ollie, im so sorry. i will try to get better, i really will. for teddy and avery, right?" i say quietly.

"you mean it?"

"i do, no more lies."

"ang, im so proud of you." ollie says, smiling down at me.

"there's not much to be proud of, i'm still a mess."

"you've said you want too, that's a start."

"do you think jules can get me out of any unnecessary media this weekend? i just want to stay hidden this weekend, as much as i can be." i say, a few moments later.

"yeah, i'm sure he can... do you want me to order food? we can order breakfast to here and eat before we leave." ollie replies, stroking my back with his hand gently.

you shouldn't be eating. you can finally loose more weight, just lie.

"ang?" ollie asks, after i don't reply for a few seconds.

"uhm i don't know, what food?"

"i can get you eggs? yoghurt? what do you want baby?"

nothing. you want nothing you pig.

"could you choose for me?" i reply, trying so desperately to ignore the thoughts running through my mind.

"of course i will, why don't you start getting ready? it might take your mind off it." he suggests.

"and do you think we could go in to the paddock the quiet way? without the fans?"

"whatever's best for you baby."

i leave the bed, sadly leaving ollie's arms, and head over to the vanity to plug in my hair dryer. it didn't take long to dry my hair, so twenty minutes later i was done. just as i put it back in the drawer, there was a knock at the door.

"foods here." ollie says, walking over to the door to take the food he had ordered.

make up a lie, you don't really want to eat it, do you? no. you don't.

"do you want to eat on the bed?" ollie asks, and i nod, taking a seat opposite him, crossing my legs.

"i ordered you a yoghurt bowl." he says, handing me the food, and then the utensils to eat.

"thanks." i reply, staring down at the food in front of me.

don't eat that, you can't eat that.

"come on baby, you need to eat." ollie says, rising hold of my free hand, the other holding the spoon.

"i know. i know that." i say, before taking a bite.

"it will get easier." ollie says, and i nod.

"how is it?" he asks, taking a bite of his own food, which was most definitely a lot more than what i was eating.

"it's.. good." i say, taking another bite as he smiles back at me. god, i love him.

why are you doing this? are you begging to be uglier? fatter?

i take another bite, and another, and another. the thoughts in my head only got louder as i tried to block them out. it was hard. i wanted to give in. i wanted to leave, hide in the bathroom behind a locked door and cry. but i couldn't do that. i had to get better. for ollie, i couldn't do this to him anymore. i just can't.

"im so proud of you baby." ollie says, kissing my hand as i hand him the empty bowl to put in the rubbish.

"thank you." i reply, smiling back at him, before lying backwards on the bed.

"how long do i have until we leave?" i ask.

"we can leave in about an hour?" he replies, looking at his watch.

"okay, are you going for a shower?" i ask.

"yeah, i will do in a few minutes. are you going to stay there hm?" he asks, sitting beside where i was lying.

"yep, im going to sleep, and im not listening to any of my thinking." i say, closing my eyes.

"... does it get worse afterwards?" he asks, i open my eyes, and sit up beside him.

"it's a lot worse afterwards, all of the guilt comes in at once. and it's hard to block it out, especially at these times." i reply.

"what are you thinking now?"

"that i shouldn't have eaten, i hate myself, im ugly, fat. i should go to the gym, stay longer because i ate, i don't deserve it." i say, looking away from ollie's eyes.

"ang... no. none of that is true. everyone needs to eat, especially when we do what we do." ollie says, gently moving my face to look at him.

"you shouldn't hate yourself, but you know i love you."

"i love you too."

|| authors note ~ hope you enjoy 🫶🏼