HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

64. The finale: reflection

MISSY
November of 2005

After a long Halloween night after Hughie's party, the school break had fully started.

A lot of things happened that night, most of which I don't have the credibility for to explain, but it started with us walking out, finding Lizzie, Hughie and Mark Allen, Gibsie's stepbrother.

I don't know why, but it felt like a turning point for a lot of things. It felt like our friend group was going to change drastically.

As more of an outsider, I guess I sensed that a lot of heavy dark rain clouds were hanging above all of them, and lightning was about to crash. The school dance was coming up and I already knew shit would go down there.

They all had such a long and deep history with each other that I felt like I couldn't ever catch up to why they hated or loved each other. For example, Lizzie and Gibsie.

That meant it was none of my business, and I liked to keep it that way. I didn't need friendship drama on my plate.

Then, I thought of Mam. How I told her I hated her. I spent hours and hours contemplating on what I should've said. Then I thought about whether I could somehow send a message to her in the afterlife, and tell her I love her.

But she knew. She absolutely knew.

On the other hand, it wasn't like I didn't belong in the group. I felt like I'd keep these friends for a long time. They were good people, and good people make tons of mistakes, my psychiatrist said.

Shannon was my sister. My built-in from birth soulmate. We understood each other without saying anything. There was no more to say about that. I'd have her to lean on forever.

Claire was the sweetest and most accepting girl I'd met, which was endearing but also concerning. I worried that one day, she'd carry too many of other people's burdens and crack. She cared so much, almost too much.

Lizzie and I weren't close by any means but she didn't ask unneeded questions and that was enough for me. Besides, she reminded me a lot of myself when I was still trapped with Taggart Brady.

Gibsie was the one consistency throughout my recovery. Back at that party, he hadn't ever met me before, but he helped me escape the hole I was stuck in. Now, he motivated me to speak up for myself every day. It was because of him that I didn't let myself be a doormat any longer.

Patrick and I weren't close either, but he protected me once, and that coaxed me to trust him with my life. He was reliable and loyal. I knew for sure I could come to him if anything or anyone was fucking with my head.

Johnny... There were no words in any language to describe how deeply grateful I was for him. The closest I ever came to being religious was because I genuinely believed he was a blessing from the angels. He was a saint. Heaven-sent to save my siblings and I from hell on earth.

He took everything bad in my life and turned it into happiness. I was going to spend my entire life trying to give him the same amount of love.

For now, I was just protecting my peace by taking friendships slow.

•

December 27th, 2005

As I brushed my teeth, Johnny walked into the bathroom. "Hey, baby."

"Morning," I greeted him after rinsing my mouth. "How was the gym?"

"Same as always." He shrugged.

"Hmm," I hummed, leaning in for a kiss.

"You seem happy," He chuckled, happily obliging and kissing me, still smiling.

"It's because I'm medicated," I giggled.

He rolled his eyes. "You're just happy."

"Yes." I turned around and brought my arms around him. "I think I am."

He rubbed my back. We walked downstairs to find nobody.

"Everyone's probably outside," I cleared up. "Snow days get Tadhg and Ollie all riled up."

Johnny laughed. "We should join." He pointed to my siblings and his parents.

I smiled. "We should."

Only a minute later, we sneak-attacked Ollie with a fairly big snowball. Johnny and I were adorned with thick puffer jackets and knitted hats, with matching mittens on our hands. Shannon made us those for Christmas.

Ollie returned his own attack, deciding to try and jump our bones, but he wasn't nearly strong enough to knock both of us over. Somehow, Johnny and I both knew to let Olls live out his fantasy and we let ourselves fall over with my little brother rolling on top of us.

I couldn't stop belly-laughing, when Tadhg helped me up only to stuff a snowball inside the back of my jacket. I squealed and started chasing him when he ran for it.

Shannon played with Cupcake, while Johnny taught Ollie how to make a snow angel. Tadhg and I were making some type of snowman who had rocks for eyes and oval shaped body parts.

"You're doing it wrong," He complained.

And I purposefully messed up again, unlocking this new controlling, perfectionistic side of my brother.

I surprised him by gathering snow and throwing it at him, though it was nowhere near the shape of a snowball, it threw him off long enough for me to hurry off and hide behind my boyfriend.

As we all played in the snow, finally not having it be coloured red, I reflected upon the difference between December of 2004 and December of 2005.

A year ago, I didn't even think I'd ever see Johnny from the party again, let alone be living in his house, adopted by his parents along with all my siblings.

A lot can change in a year. Including me.

I was definitely not that girl anymore. I wasn't Lynch Vicious. Lizzie had even made it a point to call me 'Lynch Precious', because I tried my best to be positive these days.

Worse news, to change the subject, I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder and was being lightly medicated. It was only a precaution in case I was 'triggered' by anything.

I wasn't set on the whole treatment thing, but I had positive forecasts about my life.

I was doing okay.

ONE MORE NOTE

And so it ends. </3

After nearly 2 years of working on this book, I now have two dead friends, I faced a thousand obstacles, I have written on two phones, a laptop and even a school Chromebook.

I've poured my heart into Melissa's character and hopefully her realistic development, while also evolving in real life, as myself.

The writer's curse must be real though, because the past couple of months haven't been easy. I didn't want to leave this page unturned, so I decided last night that I had to close the book.

I'd been putting off writing the ending for so long—this may sound dramatic over a Wattpad fanfiction—because this book and the comments have been a constant in my life since September of 2024, when I published the first chapter.

Excited to tell all of you that I'm working on four different ideas at the same time, but also not sure if any of those will ever work out, so don't get your hopes up.

The most important message I wanted to convey in this story is that there's other answers than the end. Don't surrender.

There's pain and suffering and some things that feel very close to dying, but one day, there is happiness. It comes.

Love,
Rhiannon. X