On That Same Year

Chapter 44

N/A: I recommend you playing One Last Time // Ariana Grande in the background while reading this part. (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

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After that day, wala na akong maayos na tulog sa mga sumunod na araw. Nangangati ang utak kong malaman kung anong rason niya para bumalik pa rito gayong may girlfriend naman na pala siya?

Alam ko namang sobrang bigat ng ginawa ko sa kaniya pero talagang sumama ang loob ko ng malamang kasama niya si Bianca tapos tinawag pa siyang bae pero hindi niya man lang sinuway.

Ayoko mang paniwalaan pero alam kung iyon ang totoo, iyon ang nakikita ko kaya sapat na 'yon bilang ebidensyang hindi na nga kami puwedeng bumalik sa dati.

Pero naman, may sinabi siya at pinanghawakan ko 'yon. Kahit tinaboy ko siya noon, handa na akong magmakaawa para lang tanggapin niya ako ulit pero parang binibigyan lang niya ako ng rason para tumigil.

Alam kong hinihintay ko ang pagbabalik niya, hinihintay ko yung panahong ngingiti ulit siya sa'ken, yung okay na kami ulit. But, I guess my thoughts were far beyond what I want to happen to us in real life.

If the fate is teasing me right now, its doing a good job.

I sighed deeply as the load of thoughts about Ruzh filled up my mind.

“Are you okay?” tanong ni Steve na nakapagpabalik sa aking ulirat.

Parang gusto ko tuloy'ng murahin ang sarili ko ng mapagtantong nawawala na naman ako sa sarili dahil sa kakaisip kay Ruzh gayong nandito ako at pumayag na makipag dinner kay Steve.

I saw how he puffed an air.

“I'm sorry, Steve.” I uttered and put my spoon down.

“For what?” tanong niya, napabuntong hininga naman ako.

“Alam mo namang bumalik na siya 'di ba?” panimula ko, he lowered his gaze and drop the spoon he's holding just right now too.

He meet my eyes and smiled sadly towards me.

“I know . . . ” humina ang boses niya pero sapat na 'yon para marinig ko.

“I'm sorry, alam mo namang ganoon pa rin ang magiging sagot ko sa'yo simula no'ng nag desisyon kang ligawan ako 'di ba?” mahabang litanya ko.

“I'm aware of that Iris, at nirerespeto ko ang nararamdaman mo sa kaniya.” he pause for a moment.

“But, even though I knew there's still no chance for me to have you. Know that, I tried my hardest just to prove to you that I can also love you more than he did.” lumungkot ang boses niya pero imbis na tanggapin ang sinabi niya ay nakaramdam ako ng labis na inis dahil parang minamanipula niya ako, trying to make me feel guilty.

I gritted my teeth at the thought of it, how dare he compare his love to Ruzh's like he's the reason why we broke up?

Ruzh loved me right, took care of me and he gave me his all and even after doing something so unforgivable to him, he never questions my love for him nor doubt it. In the end, he still doesn't want to believe me and chooses to give me his words even though I am not sure if it's true now.

Pero alam ko sa aming dalawa ni Ruzh, it's me, who doesn't deserve his love in the first place. So he doesn't have the right to tell me something like that when his statement is far beyond what truly happened.

“Hindi naman ako pumayag na ligawan mo ako, you did it on your own.” mariin at diretsong sabi ko and I saw how my words made him taken a back.

He shifted his gaze and let out a deep sigh.

“Right, it's true. I'm sorry, what I meant to say is I'm also trying to push my luck . . . ” he replied.

I puffed an air. I know that from the very first place, he's trying to shift my feelings to him. And for the kindness he showed me, from the supports the small gestures of helping me all throughout the rough road when Ruzh isn't here with me. I knew deep down I felt so lucky, thankful and grateful for having someone like him in my life.

But what could I do if I only still loved that one person? What to do if you're still devoted to that one specific person no matter how many years came by, it just doesn't change nor disappear in your heart?

Even if I wanted to forget this feeling I had for my Ruzh, I knew I just couldn't. And, I don't want to forget these feelings I have for him.

All I know is just, if we will never got the chance to be together again in this life time. In another life, I would still choose him as the love of my life. And it will never be change by anyone.

“You can stop now.” prangka ko sa lalaki, kaagad na namalagi ang lungkot sa kaniyang mga mata pero sa kabila noon ay kinaya niya pa ring ngumiti sa akin at tumango.

“F-for myself, I'll do it Iris.” he stutter. “In the end, I knew you would still choose him than me. But, now that you've clarify some things with me especially for what you've felt. Alam kong, makakatulog na rin ako ng mahimbing.” he added as I saw the tears in his eyes slowly forming.

I smiled at him genuinely.

“Thank you for your deep understanding. I also wanted you to know that I'm very lucky to have someone like you in my life and I was really thankful and grateful for that forever. Let's be a good friends in the future, Steve.” pagkasabi ko noon ay tumayo na ako at nilisan ang mamahaling restaurant.

Naglakad lang ako papalayo roon habang dala-dala ang hand bag sa kanang kamay ko.

Natagpuan ko nalang ang sarili kong nasa tapat ng cinema kung saan kami unang nag date ng biglaan noon ni Ruzh.

I didn't try to enter the cinema building nor I attempted to. Instead, I just stood there and let my long black hair dances as the wind through the air.

I shivered a little as it brushes through my skin but for some unknown nostalgic feeling, I shed a tear remembering the good times I had with Ruzh before.

I still blame myself but I did not regret my decision back then. Maybe, it is also the thing we needed. To grow, to test our love for each other although I am not sure if he still loves me after all those years.

I felt relieved and heartbroken at the same time. Relief for I made a clarity for someone to make them quit for the love they have for me and heartbroken for the love I still have for Ruzh.

He loved me dearly but I push him away, I shattered his heart into a million pieces yet he still give me reassurance the day I decided to let him go.

I hate how I still hold his promises kahit alam ko namang hindi dapat. But, up until now, I'll admit that I wanted him to be here with me again. To be here beside me again, I want him to love me again. I want him back in my life again.

But, I know before I could wish something like that I still need to earn his forgiveness first.

As I felt my tears slowly streaming down my cheeks, hindi ko na mapigilang hindi mapahikbi.

After all these years, I kept it hidden and buried it somewhere deep inside my heart that only I knew, and this is the first shed of tear I ever did after what happened to us that day, that month and that year.

I tried to fix myself but failed, I just cried and cried and there I know . . .

In that same familiar alley where we used to go to together, I saw a familiar posture walking straight towards my direction.

My visions were blurry because of my tears so I cannot see him clearly but I'm sure I knew who it was. And in that very same familiar post of the flickering lights of this street, I found myself running towards his direction and as soon as I face him I quickly encircled my arms in his body.

I don't care if he'll get mad at me after this basta malaman niya lang kung gaano ko pa rin siya ka mahal, kung gaano ko pa rin kagustong bumalik sa mga bisig niya, sapat na 'yon sa'ken. Madama niya lang.

Wala akong pakealam kahit may iba, kahit may bago na.