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The sense of self as a system

Kind of an informational/ramble type post here. Because I don't see people talk much about this, but it happens a lot. First I'm just gonna list some words and their meanings to make it easier though.

Host - the alter out the most, not the leader per se, although can sometimes fall into a leadership position depending on the situation at hand.
Core - the "original" person born with the body. Some people have an issue with the idea of a core given kids brains are underdeveloped and several parts of the child brain aren't even connected until roughly age 10. So when splits happen before that age, it's hard to really determine who or if there even was an "original". But for some, there definitely was an original, they were developed enough to have a sense of identity before the splitting started.

So, I'm the host. And I'm also the core. I've been here since birth and while I can't say for sure if there were splits prior to 2009, I do know at the earliest known split, I would have been 6. So I was definitely old enough to be a person. Like I had my own opinions, likes and dislikes, I was juuust old enough to start gaining a sense of self. That being said, I was also undiagnosed autistic, and didn't know what gender dysphoria was yet. So while I had a sense of self, there was still a lot I didn't fully understand about who I was as a person. I didn't like being a girl, but I didn't have the words to describe that yet. I didn't know why the other kids avoided me and bullied me, and the few friends I did have all kind of had the same or similar symptoms as me. Now I know it's because my exactly 2 friends were ALSO undiagnosed autistics and one was ALSO closet trans. What are the chances? But at the time I really didn't understand why I was 'different' from other people, nor did I really even realise I was 'different'. I just knew that people TREATED me differently. And that there was something about being a girl that felt icky.

So I wasn't quite at the age and understanding where I knew myself, but I knew a fair few chunks of it. I knew what I liked, disliked, was indifferent on etc. I knew what I WANTED to be like and what I didn't want to grow up to be. And there were a handful of traits and characteristics that stuck around to this day.

Love for merfolk/water nymphs, the colour purple, history and mythology, pasta and watermelon. They've always been a constant. Hatred for meat, big crowds and public speaking, egotistical people and the cold. Always hated them. And I've always been a creative brained person. I always had to decorate my stuff, I was always picked to write short stories in school programs, I did after school art for years, I was obsessed with fashion design and clothes, costumes etc. If I owned it, there'd be stickers and drawings on it in a matter of minutes. I have old notebooks full of poorly written stories 6 year old me thought was a masterpiece. My mum still has my art portfolios from primary school, and I even have a printed tea towel with Echo from the Echo and Narcissus myth I made in school in year 4. There's always been some stone solid pillars of who I was as a person from childhood, pre splits.

Given I'm the core, these traits have stayed consistent my whole life. But if I ever went dormant and someone else took over as host, those traits would be gone. Sure, some alters may share those traits, but me, the original person that began in this body, would be gone. And that's something that's happened to a lot of systems out there. The "original" person goes dormant, or fuses with another alter and fundamentally changes as a person. Some aspects of the original may still be there, but they're an entirely new person.

And then there's headspaces, and while everyone's headspace works differently and forms to best suit their system, it's not uncommon for headspaces to develop aspects of familiar places or places perceived as safe and happy. I'd describe our headspace as stuck in roughly 2009-12. The decor, technology, general vibe of it all. Lots of childhood locations and things child me really wanted irl were put into the headspace. And even before I physically came out and transitioned the body, I appeared in the headspace looking much more androgynous than the body was. It was like the brain knew who I ACTUALLY was, and that the body wasn't a direct mirror of myself. I do look similar to the body in terms of frame, skin and hair colour etc. but even before I cut the bodies hair, it was short in the headspace. For some odd reason, I have glasses in the headspace even though the body doesn't need them. I'd assume it's because child me saw all my other family members had glasses and assumed I'd also need them one day. The version of me that appears in the headspace is the more accurate version of myself, the brain knows what is and isn't true to me as a person and reflects that in the headspace.

So there very much is a sense of self for a core/host, even if it doesn't entirely match the body. That being said it can be difficult to determine what is 'you' and what is an alter sometimes. When the system is blurry or there's lots of people near the front, it can be hard to tell if YOU want this thing or another alter does. If YOU had this thought or if it was an alter. If YOU have this craving or if it's an alter. Which can make your sense of self kind of hard to understand sometimes. Sometimes you don't really know who you are, and what 'you' even is. Which can be frustrating or even scary sometimes, especially if it goes on for a long period of time. You kind of just feel like a melting pot of random traits all slapped together and you're not even sure if it's your own thoughts and opinions or not. I think this is why it's not uncommon for hosts/cores to have a bit of an identity crisis at times. When you're the one in the body the most, doing all the heavy lifting leading a system or have been there from the very beginning and watched all these other people split off you, it can be hard to understand where 'you' starts and ends and where another alter starts and ends.

But at the end of the day there'll always be at least a handful of core aspects of yourself that have always been there. A favourite food or colour, a writing quirk or art style, the way you pronounce a word or organise a space. There's always going to be something that's inherently a YOU thing, and even if that's all you can think of at the moment, it's proof that YOU do exist and do have a self. You're just a bit blurry right now, or need to do some internal work to separate yourself from other alters bleeding into you.

Ok that's all, I just wanted to ramble for a hot second. Because I see people get anxious about who THEY really are compared to their alters all the time, but no one really seems to talk about why that happens or how to go about it. To there's my thoughts on the matter. And hey, if you're also a system and have some identity issues regarding who you truly are amongst the melting pot of alters, know that you are an individual person. There will always be foundations of who you are, aspects may change over time, but those foundational pillars will always be there.